Notes

[b]Part 2: The Finale[/b]

Shadow checked another item off his list. After unleashing the Bubonic plague against some shithole village in some shithole third world country, he had almost committed every war crime under the Geneva Convention. Next, he was going to set off some Rottweilers against that annoying emo kid down the street who wouldn't stop playing Evanescence at full volume. That was the last item on his list before he could become the UN's most wanted criminal.
Before he could do that, however, he got another phone call. "What is it, Luka you bitch? Can't you see I'm fucking busy? Unless it's something about those Rottweilers, I'd like you to eat shit, fuck off and die of Leprosy, you motherfucking bitch," said Shadow in a mildly irritated voice. He didn't have time for her bullshit. Besides, he still had a hardon from meeting Shrek. He couldn't afford any more distractions at a time like this.
"Shut your little bitch mouth, you son of a bitch! This shit is important! It's that fucker, Medallion Man! He's almost obtained that fucking sixth-" her voice was cut short and Shadow panicked. Medallion Man! After Shadow had burned his house down sometime a few years ago, he was sure that fucker was gone for good. How could he still be alive? Medallion Man was Shadow's greatest nemesis, an occultist employed by the FBI to defeat Shadow at any cost. He was sure their long ang bloody rivalry had finally come to an end when Shadow doused that son of a bitch in gasoline.
Yet he lived! More than that, he was now within reach of that fucking sixth medallion! Despite his unathletic build, Medallion Man was still powerful enough to take on multiple shitbag store employees, his strength was mostly gained through his knowledge of the occult - with the powers granted to him by those fucking medallions, he could reach beyond the realm of the living and draw upon the otherworldly powers of other dimensions, even going so far as to detach his soul from his body for maximum destruction. That motherfucker could not be allowed to live any longer!
With this in mind, Shadow panicked even further. He started to focus, which was already quite difficult for him. He calmed his hardon by imagining Luka naked, then calmed himself further by going on a shooting spree in the nearest shithole village, bringing his total kill count to around two thousand. He hijacked a truck and raced back to Edgelord HQ at maximum speed, breaking half a dozen speed limits along the way and adding another two dozen to his kill count.
When he arrived, Luka had been killed. God fucking dammit! Medallion Man had arrived too soon, shit, Shadow wanted to be the one to kill Luka! He looked around and noticed Reisen was gone and Neo was tied up. Neo had always been Shadow's favourite. As he slowly walked towards Neo, he felt a sharp pain in the back of his neck. Before he went unconscious, his last though was, "god fucking damn son of a bitch Medallion Man, this is all that fucker's fault."
When he woke up, he found himself handcuffed to a rusty pipe with Shrek also handcuffed to a rusty pipe on the other end of the room. Both were naked. As they had now both been reunited, they gazed longingly at each other with deep lust in their eyes. Shadow blushed. "Sh-Shrek-sama~" uttered Shadow. "Sh-Shadow-sama~" growled Shrek in Scottish. Before they could embrace, they remembered they were tied up in some shithole bathroom. "Fucking son of a bitch," retaliated Shadow.
They both noticed the TV in the room as it flickered on and the disgusted visage of a 37-year-old manchild filled the screen. "Ay, it's Chris-Chan, ya bastard!" shouted Shrek. Chris chuckled. "H-hello, uh, Shadow... Shrek, too." stuttered Chris. "I, well, yeah. Uh, wanna play a g-game? I mean, I want to, uh, play a game." The manchild just then noticed they could see his face so he put on a crudely-made clown mask and put a distortion effect over his voice so he sounded like a black metal vocalist on drugs.
"For a while, a f-few years, it's a long time, you've been giving in. Uh, to b-basic desires, that is. Lust and wrath, I think. It's not g-good. So I made this, yeah, a game. I put some f-flamethrowers in your, uh, ducks. I injected you with water. You will need to urinate soon, perhaps, a-and when you do, your urine will burn flames through the other of, yeah, you two. It's like a m-metaphor for how you always r- re- uh, use your ducks for your selfish desires, or something. Live or d-die, make your... uh, choice." The TV screen blinked off.
"Ah! That son of a bitch!" whined Shadow. "I'll rip onions outta his rectum!" spoke Shrek. They looked back at each other, again, longingly. "Shrek... I don't know if we'll meet again, so I'd like to tell you-" "I know." replied Shrek. Shadow blushed. Just then, filled with lustful thoughts, their phalluses rose up high, aimed at each other like some strangely erotic Mexican standoff. "Aye, Shadow, there's somethin' Ah gots ta tell ya as well..." Shadow's heart skipped a beat. "What is it, my dear?" "Ah really gots ta piss." Shadow's felt a terrible sense of dread.
"No! Stay strong! We'll get out of this together, and then we'll-" Shadow could not finished his sentence as, halfway through, Shrek emitted a powerful stream of fire from his crotch, burning Shadow into ashes instantly. "Ah'm sorry, Shadow... Ah loved ya," cried Shrek. Just then, his handcuffs unlocked, and Chris-Chan rode in on a tricycle which was ten sizes too small for him. He looked absolutely ridiculous.
"Woah, that's good, like, some people are s-so ungrateful to be-" Shrek ripped onions out of his rectum, killed Chris. He then stood there in silence for a few minutes before falling to his knees and crying heavily. "Ah didn't mean it, Ah never wanted it to end this way... Shadow! Ah'm sorry, Ah'm so sorry..." He continued crying for a few hours until his tear ducts dried completely.
A few weeks later, Shrek went into the local bar. "Same as usual?" asked the bartender. "Aye," replied Shrek. As he took his drink he stared down into it, depressed. The confrontation with Chris-Chan had made him depressed. He could no longer feel any happiness and joy, the only person who could comfort him was now dead. Shrek felt no will to live, now all he did was come down to the bar every day and drown his sorrows with intoxication. Life, to Shrek, was suffering.

And then Shrek went on a magical journey of vengeance against some local hippies, but that's a story for another day.