Notes

i don't know when i first started falling for you. i know it was before hoco--you know at pat amato my stomach sank when i saw you encouraging jacob to come ask me out. i had wanted it to be you. and i remember how i kept getting my friends to move closer to yours at the dance. i could see you, right there next to me, but i didn't do anything. i've never been the type to just go for it.
did you notice how i talked louder in the hallways when i knew you were around me? i wanted you to be listening to me. even if it was just me complaining about my grades or joking around with sarah. i didn't want to like you. i knew it wouldn't work out, we weren't even friends! but that didn't stop me, of course. that's not how feelings work. if it was, i wouldn't be writing this right now.
i can still feel that day when i found out. tess stopped me in the hallway and said "you have to like ethan carpenter now." i got lightheaded. i freaked out. how did she know? i don't think i had told anyone at that point. i was freaking out, following her and begging for more than one sentence of information. she told me she had been guessing who he liked and said me, and you turned bright red and couldn't answer. i was floating. i didn't know what to do about it. i walked home that day with a stupid grin on my face, high on seratonin and maybe adrenaline, a little bit. obviously it took quite a while for us to actually get anywhere. we really were awkward huh? we still are. that's why i'm writing this on a freaking computer program instead of just texting you.
well, there's a little bit more than that.
i don't think i ever told you why i was dumping you. i just said "hey this isn't going to work" and we hugged and walked away and even right in that moment my stomach had dropped away again. i knew i had made the right decision but it felt wrong walking away from you.
but i had to.
we didn't work. it was timing, it was who we were, it was how we got together and how we talked. there are two things that i really say are why we broke up, and i've never told anyone the real reasons. always just, "oh it wasn't right" or "we weren't meant to be together like that."
when we really started dating--like REALLY REALLY where we'd tell each other how much we cared for one another and all that--i was in the worst mental health state i have been in my whole life. freshman year broke me down so bad it took a summer of redefining myself to fix. you ever wonder why i'm so insistent on you trying to change your mindset? because when i finally overrode myself on hating myself, on worrying about what other people think, and forcing myself through things i hated, i got better. but anyway. this is going off on a tangent. this whole thing is just one big tangent, really.
my mental state had fallen apart. i couldn't motivate myself to do anything. i didn't put effort into anything because it was just too fucking exhausting, and i didn't want to be that needy person who tries too hard or get judged for the things i wanted to do to have fun. and you were so far on the opposite end of the spectrum. you put every piece of yourself into the thing i wasn't able to muster up any energy for--us. you brought me gifts all the time, were always telling me how i made your life better, and being the absolute most perfect image of a boyfriend a girl could have. and i was sitting there, taking it, not giving anything back, feeling like i was using you, and hating myself. so this was the biggest reason why i broke up with you--you were too good for me. i could feel myself becoming a terrible person and i refused to rope you into that. i managed to convince myself i was over you, and maybe i was for a little bit, but i don't regret ending it when i did. we were on a road to failure and broken hearts. at least this way they were only a little cracked.
so 98% of it was my fault. i know that. but there was something else.
we were so, so bad at communicating, especially when it came to anything uncomfortable. we couldn't make plans to hang out and i don't know about you, but on my part the reason i couldn't suggest anything was because i was scared of you thinking it was dumb. we weren't open enough with each other--we're actually a little better about that now, although not all the way. but the biggest issue this created, and god you know we haven't fixed this enough because i'm embarrassed just typing this--we never moved forward in our relationship because we were too scared to try. we never talked about where it was going. more than anything, i wanted to just hold your hand comfortably while we walked together, be flirty around our friends, i wanted you to kiss me. i wanted you to kiss me so much but you never did and that's because we never figured out what was ok and what wasn't.
when i broke up with you, you sent me a text later--god i don't remember the exact numbers--but it said, basically, "thank you for the best four months and x days of my life." i cried. i cried so much. everyone i talked to i pretended i was fine, i was relieved i had ended it, but i cried so much that day, and every once in a while i think of it and want to cry again.

summer, ish. we became friends again. i think i really was over you then, or maybe if i wasn't, it was out of sight out of mind, yknow? when you started talking i would tell all my friends "omg why is he texting me i do NOT want to get back together!!!" they all knew i was NOT going to date you again. we were JUST friends. and somehow, as we texted more and more again and we still freaking ignored each other in person, those feelings came back. and i think i was scared of that because even more than when we first started talking again, i would tell all of my friends, and my sister, and my parents, "no we are just friends! i definitely do not want anything more!" i don't know when that became a lie. my friends all said "he likes you again" and i thought, well, i'm an awful person for leading him on then. and i should have stopped then. and when i didn't stop, that's when it clicked and it was too late to go back.
too late to go back and undo all the times i talked about how i absolutely did not want to date you again. too late to go back and leave you on delivered so this didn't happen in the first place. too late to go back and make myself braver, or maybe a lot less brave, so that we met just a little sooner or just a little later and we could have just worked the first time.
so yeah. i like you again. surprise! hopefully, i haven't been overanalyzing your messages and you actually like me back. not that it matters because we can't get back together.

and so we begin part three of my essay. thanks for reading my twenty eight page ramblings.
i broke up with you because i couldn't be as dedicated as you were and we weren't good enough at communication to be an actual relationship beyond just flirty friends. the first part? we're almost there. i think once cross country is over i can be so much better--i'm ready to not close off a part of myself, and not hold people at an arm's length. but we still have at least four weeks until i'll even have the time to actually act on that. so if this was the only problem, then i would be very hopeful.
but that second part--we're still bad. we don't talk in person EVER. i feel like this should be a simple fix, though, and that's why i can't let these feelings go because i know i could really make this work if i tried. all i need to do it get us to start talking in person, and that starts with me--i need to open up to my friends and admit i want you back in my life. and i think that's the biggest thing i'm scared of, that they'll judge me for going back to you when i was over you so completely so recently (i wasn't, of course, just trying to overcompensate because i have a bad tendency to ruin good things that i'm scared of). i need the time to slowwwwwwwly get them to see it, to understand, without them just thinking i like the attention. i want to talk about you to them. all the time. but i'm scared they don't want to listen and i need to get myself to say "hey? i'm falling for him again, and i just want to talk to you about it." if i can do that, i can feel like i can talk to you without them thinking i'm leading you on. if i can talk to you, we can communicate. if we can communicate, then we can figure this all out, and maybe we'll work again. better, this time. because that's the biggest thing for me--if i think getting back together with you will end with me losing you, i will not do it no matter how much i want to. because i will not lose my best friend over feelings as dumb and stupid and so fucking wonderful as what i feel when i'm with you.
i've written about 2000 words now about what could be said in three sentences. i'm sorry. good thing you'll never read this.
i don't want to say the L word, but right here, it's all that feels right.
love,
mia.