Notes

I wish things had never gone so difficult for me in finding a SO. Numerous crushes have passed through and I still feel devasted. I was told to get over it again and again but I cannot. I just tend to fuck things up so badly and miss everything. Now I just have a crush on Sam. Having a crush on Era previously already made me a clown, but now I am a whole goddamn circus. The guys in Cannon encourage me but yet I still think I mess up in a heartbeat. No matter how I think, Sam is just so out of my league. Teasing her was like a natural response and I may go too far. Sam is such a pure and wonderful person. She...has such a great smile that just brightens days like spring bloomings. The way she often fixes her hair is elegant. And especially, she is a very fun person to be with and I have never dreamt of being this close to her. I have been around her so much and my feelings grow more intense that I start thinking about her a lot. This has become...a bit unhealthy for me now. This isn't what Sam expects me to be. This is why I am never taken seriously as a grown person. After all, maybe it is right that I am still a kid. I am so immature and I don't feel like Sam deserves to bear with me.
My love life has always been this shitty. I am not nice at all because I hurt and disturb people quite often. I have always believed in myself since my dream about being with a SO. Now it is all illusion, who seriously wants to see me as a grown and reliable person? Who?
Maybe once again, my crush is unfounded. Sam deserves a better person than me. Yet I...cling to my feelings too tightly. I just cannot rid of my feelings for her when she doesn't seem to...care much. I really want to tell this to those people but I am...afraid. They are seriously not gonna like that. Worse, they might never want to talk to me again.
I'm sitting in the library right now and I cannot help but to imagine Sam sitting at the front desk. I seriously got to the point of unhealthy feelings now. Should I bury my feelings or try as usual? If I try, will she be as comfortable with me as usual? I honestly don't know now...Fall Fling is coming and I'm just so nervous. Will it be just like my last two proms? When I left with the hollow feelings inside?
I am a mess
I am a clown
I am a goddamn circus
I am a miserable person