Notes

That day, the day I messaged your friend. That was the beginning of the end, had I never done that things would be different now. Because ever since that day I had been fighting desperately to regain what I lost that day, I caused your heart confusion and worry that day, set you on the path you’re on now.

All because of that day.

Other factors came into play, changed things for you, but ultimately it was that day. I fought and struggled to regain that relationship I was building with you, losing myself not in you, but in the struggle to regain you, to regain that growth we were doing together. I lost myself in trying to ease your overthinking mind, ease your fears.

I’m not blaming you, I’m blaming myself for losing myself. Because I only grew more desperate as time went on, and I felt you drifting away towards him. Yet I’m also the one who told you to try things with him as well, to answer your what if. So I caused all this as well.

What’s the point of me saying all this? I guess to say that my growing desperation to re gain your full love and trust from messaging your friend warped that kind spirit you saw in me. Those negative aspects you saw after that event were all me, the cruel things I said, the actions I took.

They were born from my desperation, because I lost myself in my fears, because I wanted to win you back. Because I did and still see home in your eyes. I never knew I wanted a family until i met you. As I said I didn’t lose myself being with you, i never lost who i was. That’s a first. But i did lose myself in my fears and pain of losing you.

That Friday a couple weeks ago was the climax, the inevitable outcome of my actions on that day I messaged your friend. Because I lost control. I felt broken, given up. And I knew you were falling more into him.

You were and are healthy for me, knowing you inspires growth in me, your presence was always enlightening to me, always brought the biggest smile to me. The day I first hugged you, when we laid in the grass. You were always so supportive of me. But my shortcomings as a person didn’t allow me to respect that.

I don’t want you to think that your presence is toxic for me, it is my failure to grow as an individual, being so childish and suicidal that broke what we had. My desperation in winning you back that broke it. Is it my fate? I did believe I was ready for you, but clearly I wasn’t. I never got ahold of my anxiety, my fears. And because I couldn’t you’re happier now. I have no one to blame but myself for that.

The heart is a mysterious thing, hard to understand at times. I won’t question why’s about you and him, because now I understand the heart can’t be easily explained all the time. Plus I pushed you into his arms with my words and actions. Made you find safety inhim.

The anger I hold I can only redirect it to myself, to that day I messaged your friend. Because I can’t hate you, nor can I hold a grudge against you. Leslie I love you too much to do that. And no matter how much anger I hold within myself for myself I’ll always want the best for you. As long as you TRULY are happy and at peace, no half assed peace or happiness, complacent acceptance.

Where do I go from here? I have one project, a gift to you and those who I have hurt. For Reyna and the children that my sisters will have one day. Even once you move in April/May you will be able to see it, I promise. I hope that your family with B and Rey and my sisters families will be able to remember me as a good person through it.

The project will take sometime,but no more than 2 years, once the project is done then my duty, my penance for my crimes and sins is done. I realize now that the family i desires will never come to fruition, the one I wanted with you, our beautiful kids in our cabin with the garden.

But I have nothing to lose now, I’m not afraid of death, so with the strength given to me from that I will create a peaceful, or inspire others to create a peaceful world. For Reyna, Brandon, you. For my sisters families. For my parents. Because I love all of you.

Thank you leslie, for the most beautiful summer, highs and lows, you fulfilled my heart, you gave me so much joy. I never need another, because I got to experience a love so pure and happy. Nothing could compare, nor would I try. I know I’ll never get a chance with you, not again because I know you’re on a different path now, one that makes you happy. In my heart I’ll always wish to be yours though, always wish for that cabin and garden with you with our beautiful kids. Maybe a sloth?

But anyways to repay and atone for everything I will in turn create a beautiful world for your family, and my parents and sisters.

I’ll always be the night sky in your world of stars, making them brighter with my darkness.

I love you Leslie Mata G.

I promise I’ll make the world brighter for your family, and my parents and sisters. For Reyna.