Notes

my ex i lived with for over a year (we dated near 1.5) broke up with me/left me for a dad in his 30s about 3 monthss ago (p sure she cheated 4 or 5mo ago w him 2 when we were abouta breakup.. she met him at a restaurant she served at for the last few months of our relationship n lied ((came clean when drunk and shortly after told me she was moving in w him and never wanted contact from me again)) to me saying she was babysitting(true) for him n not fucking him(never true). we both had broken each others trust, but she was treating me like a gf after we broke up right up until this dude took her and unfortunately i have a predisposition towards being jealous and even more so, mistrusting, so we ended up being toxic for one another in a myriad of ways before this, to say the least. now im seeing why shes been saying its impossible for us to be friends after what we had...

it was the most intense relationship ive ever been in. she showed me a poem she wrote abt missing me 4 her poetry course to basically say she loved me before i came out to see her and it made me cry then because it was filled with her sorrow and now bc she thought i could help her to be happy she loved me and thought i was a good person or some other bs positive trait i know and she clearly knows now i dont have. we wanted to marry each other before moving in together officially and it was real and i fuc.king.betrayed.her. i was manipulative and controlling and all sorts of jealous crazy bad and i dont deserve a wonderful girl like her. she got an A on the poem it rly was great :*. i was already falling in love with her romantically and wanted nothing more than the idea of soothing one anothers sorrows with our love and touch. i had been entranced by her sexually since i laid eyes on her 4 years ago, but after i read her poem and realized i didnt just think about her naked and i she consumed my thoughts, i knew. we literally spent all our time together the first 3 months of it when i came out to see her at college like were actly living/sleeping 2gethr cuz we were friends for 2yr salrdy (she had slept in my bed 2 years before this freshman year once when she had a diff bf but just "passed out there" cuz she was waiting to see me...i had so much hate for my body and self that i couldnt even see the obvious. she had to p much suck my dick and tell me she loves me over n over to get thru my self-defeating shell and let me know i am capable of being romantically loved ) n i was recovering from a lotof dissociative abuse mainly mxe/k. she took care of me like an angel i stayed in her dorm and i never asked for all the things shed do for me and it was lot. it made her happy, too. id never gotten that from anyone. it freaked me out how genuinely empathetic she was of me bcuz she 2 was an addict and fuck shes the only girl thats ever understood me and all she wanted to do was help and live and love w me. now she hates me. she never complained. even tho i was never hopeful about the future or proactive about my issues and i gave her shit for things that dont matter she still treated me with love and repsect.

i was in pain and having trouble readjusting back to the physical world after all the dissocia i didnt feel human and all she gave me was love care and compassion. she wanted to make me feel like a god. she knew i worshipped her body (it rly is divine) and gave me full reign of it. we watched sasha together n she even got into pet play and other kinks just cuz she wanted 2 please me and asked what porn i was into...wtf girl does that?? she rly could be a model 2 like i am a jackass. she is the only person on the planet to make me feel beautiful. i felt like a king w her. i had long periods of hikikomori/recluse behavior with MMOs n just generally not ever socializing w peers and i have had a bit of agorophobia n more social phobia for a long time, but now than ever. w her its like i was normal. i could go to crowded malls or grocery stores and not give a fuck abt anything but the tall beautiful girl paying attention and walking around w me making me feel super confident.

she wanted to make me feel wanted and loved and handsome (she made me feel sexy and strong and masculine n so much more), which i had trouble feeling my whole life. i still do. i didnt feel like i was worth anything because no one showed me interest. because i was different withdrawn and anxious, i didnt have many friends and equated that to being unworthy of love/friendship or especially romance. eva helped that a bit :,) this girl wanted me not just to be worthy of existence and love, but to feel as though i was her source of existence of love, as her mine. she breathed life into me and i could tell my love was important to her. we ascended, both from lower points than others, struggling w drugs, eating disorders, depression, among others, to the highest points of shared experience. it was magical and poetic and there is nothing more intimate than being in love and making it in a dom/sub fashion. i had never talked dirty or been rough or choked a girl andwe were fucking in her car, study rooms, and straight up couches at 4am fucked up in public common rooms in the basement of dorms (no one coming thru *fingers crossed*) like pornstars in love like i was plowing her into couches i had sat on at different times throughout college and she was super into me and giving me control of her.

it was unbelievable doing things i fantasized about or saw in porn and having it be better than anything thought possible. i was exerting similar or more energy than a wrestling match or intense period of hockey most times and i would be gasping for air and sore from thrusting. we both got toner from fucking, which was funny cuz it was our only form of excercise. ive never had a girl claim double digit orgasms in a session or thought i would fuck near 500 times by now, let alone with the same girl in a year n want more every time (her conclusion..she said well over 1000 if making one another cum/watching+helping the other masturbate counts). i never even had any sexual "sessions" with another girl. just pretty basic shit. now i had a girl that was down to fuck and play all the time. not just regular sex either she always wanted to be submissive and please and i would reward her well ;) even when she didnt wanna fuck or was sore shed let me beat off to n grope her n usually wud get so turned on shed start humping my leg n make herself get all wet n cum like ????? wtf girl does that or is down to please 24/7 and gets off on it?? i last inappropriately long after a decade of internet porn abuse n it never bothered her like if she was too sore shed always give or be supportive til she ate me. i am still astounded thinking about what we did together and some of the videos i still have . they dont even seem real. i shud v much delete em if im ever gonna "get over" her but they are fucking art and better than any porn ive ever seen and i have seen a fucking lot ive had a porn addiction since i was 12lol.

we were together p much all the time possible in our 2 places together, also. we are both hypersexual addicts of dif substnces n were desperately in love iit was the best time of my life we rly had an amazing ability to feed off one another and merge and the way we got together seemed destined, but s somehow i still sunk back into dpression and again devloped an addict mindset with sex, weed n escapism. we were spending all our time together but we needed space and seperate social lives. i definitely began to take her for granted and not reciprocate the emotionl support she gave me. she is the kindest, smartest, sexiest, most easy going gem of a person ive ever known n when i went home for xmas after 3mo at our old college it was like missing my daemon across the country from MA to OH. i sound lame af but ive never been in love like this before didnt kno it existed or making rough love and achieving divine/transcendental states thru play time wtas anything but a cool idea or that someones smell can makeu feel like youre entering heaven i rly still love the girl 2

this is so much text i am speeding v hard but i wrote all this cuz i needa fucking vent and maybe my blogs changed a bit since we broke up ..i scrolled thru the last few months cuz i created this tumblr mainly as a space i could look at on drugs i like(favs:mxe, k, 2cb, nitrous, hash) mainly because i was sick of milkdrop writing anime videogames all the time alone n tumblr felt like a community that i missed from playing MMOs when i was a loner teen. like i was living with my parents after dropping out of college with no friends in the same states n thats when we fell in love talking 2each other online chat n skype whtever - but SHE SHOWED ME TUMBLR. like i listened 2 lots of my fav music n watched choice movies n shows w her but simply being on this site reminds me of her cuz i saw it on her screen for the first time ever n like wtf shes blocked me :((

i had a girl that treated me with love and respect even tho i was a depressed recovering drug addict dropout w a part time pizza job. she would get dressed up in tights n heals n put on cat eyes n lipstick just waiting to please me when i came in the door most days from work. she might be tipsy drinkin a bottle of red wine listening to britney spears on tape or hella faded rappin along to big L or ugly mane on tumblr, but seeing her when i came thru that door was like heaven. and what other girl raps along to old nas, biggie, n big l? wants to fuck on molly listening to Lone and The Field. wants to rapalong to illfightyou for the blunt cruise then do kinky shit to each other high af? i am just realizing i had it made i had my literal dream girl and i dont think theres more than 1 of those for ppl


DONT READ THIS IM SPEEDING AND NEED TO VENT RLY BAD AND SUCK SO I DONT HAVE MANY FRIENDS