Notes

killing myself:
PROS: CONS:
-no more school work -my cat would miss me
-no more friend drama -i wouldn't get to experience driving, college, adulthood
-no more being "the fat one" -i would go to hell (not heaven. . .because i'm a bad child)
-i won't be a bitch to anyone
-i won't have to worry about not having
any REAL friends
-i won't be a money suck to my parents anymore
-i won't have to cry every night to make myself
feel better
-my parents wouldn't have to worry about me not
doing my chores
-no one could tell me i'm "useless" and that i "do nothing all day"
-i wouldn't be the abnoxious one in the friend group anymore
-0% stress level (nothing to worry about)
-NO MORE FEELING LIKE CRAP ALL THE TIME!
-the world would just be a better place without me in it because
i wouldn't be able to fuck everything up anymore


really, like who honestly cares if i kill myself? My friends think i'm loud and annoying, my parents think i'm useless, and i'm just a fat blob taking up valuable space in this world that someone else could have. i honestly should've killed myself years ago. . .i wouldn't be surprised if my parents told me i was a mistake. They are always telling me how if i came before my brother then they would've never had two kids, only one because of how much 'harder' i was than my brother. You know, they like my brother so much that he deserves to be an only child. He has vaped, bought and delt vape under my mothers name, and lied about it AND went to the hospital because he lied about vaping and they still like him more than me. Me, yeah for me, godforbid i forget to do a single one of my chores and they will have my head on a stick they second they walk through the door after work at night. Also, I don't know why but I've never been able to have really close friends on my sports teams like most people do. Like all of my friends, or at least i thought they were my friends, always hang out and have sleepovers without me and post all about it on their snapchats and instagrams. Like, "i'm sorry, i thought we were friends, how come everyone else on the team was invited except for me? is it because i'm the only fat one? because thats honestly what i think it is. either the fact that i'm fat or the fact that i really am a bitch to everyone. And the sad thing is that i've tried to not be such a bitch to everyone, for example, my best friends in school, but yet they still think i'm loud, annoying, abnoxious, and the list of adjectives continues. They tell me that i'm annoying but in a good, friendly way but they don't realize that it still hurts to hear that. The last thing you want to hear from your friends is that you are "annoying, but in a good way" because we all know there is no such thing as a "good kind of annoying". Also, i don't know why i've never been able to find a best friend. like everyone i know has a best friend that they text everyday, have sleepovers with, go shopping with, etc and then there is me over here just trying to find anyone who wants to be my friend. i've always tried to be nice to everyone i meet but idk, there is just something about me that people don't like i guess. maybe i really am as big of a bitch as my friends and parents tell me i am. but anyway, since my parents just think of me as a money suck, useless, person and my own friends even think i'm annoying, i think it would be best if i just left for good. No more bitchy ali to worry about in the world means everyone could be happy. so i think the pros of killing myself definitely outweigh the cons and idk when or how, but i think i'm gonna kill myself eventually.