Notes

I..don’t know how to say what I am trying to say. And I’m scared to death of saying, and losing you altogether. I know you’re not my ex, and I would never, ever even imagine that you’re anything like him in any way, shape or form - so I hope you don’t take it as such. But..I care about you too much to not bare my heart to you in its utter entirety.

Firstly I want to get out of the way that I wasn’t lying to you, and I have not been. I truly do think you’re absolutely and utterly incredible. Your heart truly has shown me no bounds, and the amount of care and compassion, patience and passion, tenacity and determination, absolute dedication you have poured into this server, into the people in it, into me.. the sheer amount and kind of character you have and portray, daily, it. It blows me away, and truly touches my heart. I never want you to believe I believe otherwise. I knew the moment I began to get to know you, I was absolutely doomed to get emotionally invested and attached. It’s been such a short time, but you’ve become so incredibly important to me - I wasn’t lying when I said I liked you, I wasn’t lying when I said I think about you so very often, and want to talk to you so much. Because all of those things are truer than I know what to do with.

But I have to be just as honest with you on the other, much darker side of the coin, as the shiny lucky penny side. The reason I wanted to talk to you yesterday, was talk about the PTSD and depression/anxiety struggle I have been dealing with recently, especially the night before and yesterday morning, in regards to my ex and the situation(s) involved, and some recent situations going on in my life. I’ve been struggling a *lot* recently, likely from the trigger of emotions and events with you (not at your fault, of course, please don’t think otherwise). And it’s triggered a lot of thoughts, feelings, questions, searching... just a lot of pain and confusion. I’ve been scared to death of it all.

And I wanted to talk to you about it, because it was such an intense situation and I wanted you to know and to be able to talk to you about it, talk through it, maybe even be comforted as selfish and possibly counter productive as that is. But I felt like..you were safe. And then, maybe, I could sort out all of these feelings and emotions, and no one would get hurt.

But then..last night happened. And it felt like I was on cloud 9, and the 7th circle of hell, all at once. Because it was like the feeling of “the person you like, likes you back” just like high school - but it was also the worst realistic thing, because then it felt like everything was crashing around me at once.

And that was in no way your fault, and it was and is in every way my fault. I didn’t know what to say because you had just bared your vulnerable heart out to me in complete honesty, and I couldn’t lie to you and say that I hadn’t fallen just as equally - especially because you put me on the spot. I wanted to be completely honest with you, and just deal with the consequences afterwards, in the morning or tomorrow at least. And in rolling with the situation and my heart beating outside of my chest and my emotions, and just our usual flavor of banter, I...did the *same fucking thing* I did with Richard, and let my emotions run instead of focusing on the logic of the moment. And I thought that it would be..calm, for the time being. Just our usual banter, as it had been. Things started skirting around ptsd levels when they got more intensely..hmm. I don’t know what to call it. Digitally physically affectionate? It’s why I kind of joked about one step at a time, because I didn’t want it to get too involved or invested, before I could talk to you, and I didn’t want to hurt you, and I didn’t know what to do.

I..fucked up though. As..usual. And I truly didn’t mean to. Because I didn’t stop myself or things then and there, and then you did the last thing that you did. And..it’s like my world shut down. All the sirens, all the spirals, everything. I was just..at war with myself. Because of the amount of PTSD it triggered, and the amount of guilt it triggered.

And I cried. For..a long, long time. Because there were these..sides, raging against each other. On one hand, I was flattered, and emotional, and my face couldn’t stop being beet red for anything in the world. I had this single moment where I could pretend everything was alright in the world. But on another, I was infinitely and absolutely disgusted with myself in every single aspect, I felt so incredibly guilty that I had somehow tricked you into this, that I had emotionally manipulated you, turned into Richard or my family, that I had used you. I was so afraid that you would feel like I used you. Or that I had. And then on another hand, a million sirens of panic and fear raged in my head, that you had turned into him, and you had used me, and you just wanted me to do things or be things, and not care about me or our friendship once you had me where you wanted, and you were going to keep pressing, just as he did, and didn’t want my friendship at all. And then that triggered yet another hand, where I felt like the lowest scum of the earth, for even *daring* let those kinds of panic induced thoughts slip into my head about *you*. You were nothing like that, and I was exactly what Richard had said. A useless, manipulative whore with victim mindset, cowardice, and commitment issues. And most of all, that I was a liar.

A lot of this absolute and utter panic attack went on for hours. not knowing how to react to the new dynamic and action comments from you made me panic a lot, and it was really upsetting because I wasn’t *angry* and I wasn’t *upset at you* and I *didnt even know fully why I was like this* because it was so innocent and genuinely meant to be so flattering and it made my heart skip a beat..but..it’s just..it reflected him *so much*. He..used to be really obsessive and aggressive in regards to textual role play. like..extremely so. and while i pat/hug and do other minor platonic or humor actions, i..have never really been big on that sort of thing, but the amount of anxiety triggers and utter fear interlaced in the concept at this point is..extremely overwhelming.

But most of all, out of any of this, after that part of the panic attack calmed down, I still felt utter guilt and panic, as I continued to think. I know that I am a manipulative whore and I fucked up so badly in this situation, because now I realize the situation in its entirety - and I don’t know what to do, whatsoever. Because as much as I do like you, truly, i..

I am not..ready. For it to push further, beyond that. And I don’t know if that’s what you are aiming for, or hoping for, or intend to act on, accordingly. I don’t know if that’s what I’ve caused, and what consequence or punishment comes after. I don’t know if this is where you get angry and leave my life, or I leave the server. I don’t know if this is where I fear. I don’t know if this is where things change, or I need to change. I don’t know if you get angry for my panic inferring negative things about you, even though I swear up and down they aren’t true.

I just..I can’t handle the rollercoaster and utter loneliness that is something based out of my phone/computer, again..especially not when it’s entirely based on those two things, alone. And I know that, if I’m being logical and mature, and caring about you just as much, if not obviously more than me, is that I’m definitely not in a place in my life where I’m ready for *anything* - much less something long distance - much less something online. I can’t..really actively get involved in that kind of situation, because it so drastically conflicts with my current situation and life path - and it does yours, as well.

I know that I am in such a tight, and tense life situation. That the majority of my current and upcoming situations and goals thereof, involve me being stateside, or at the very least, my most current situation keeps me pretty..trapped here, at least for another solid year and a half. Maybe two. And that’s without all the abuse and eggshelling around my family, and the atomic bomb that would ensue at any given moment. my..life is not my own, at least, not for a few years yet. Despite being an adult, and the caretaker most times.

If anything did actively progress, later on, it would have to be you actively making these giant life changes, uprooting yourself from your home, on a whim - and I just. absolutely wouldn’t allow it. I couldn’t. It would break my heart to know it all happened that way, and I just. I couldn’t let you. And then, if it were me, I would have to figure out how to attend international university, and pay for it, and find somewhere to live, and uproot, and.. it would be such a big step. for either of us, and I simply.. couldn’t do that to you. And I don’t know if I could do it, myself - not because you aren’t worth it, but because I..quite literally am living barely above poverty, and barely have the means to manage as it is. I..genuinely would have no way to uproot. and even if I did, completely abandoning my family like that..as toxic as they are and can be, I don’t know if I could just. Slap them in the face like that.

So..this is where I feel trapped, and uncertain as to where to go, or what to do, or what happens. And even more so, whether or not I..completely blew this entirely out of proportions, and made a *complete and literal idiot of myself*, which is..completely humiliating, and I’m so very sorry for. Honestly I..feel I’ve done that regardless, though.

I don’t..want to lose you. You’re so incredibly important to me and the idea that I’ve messed up *this badly* just..I don’t know how to forgive myself. I don’t want things to *change*. Not dynamically. But..at this point, I’ve been selfish enough. Way too much so, in fact. I.. just want to do what is best for you, now. If you want things to stay the same, and the banter continue, and us just..accept the feeling and fate thereof, then they will. If you’re angry and want to tear me apart, I wouldn’t blame you whatsoever. If you want to destaff me, or even if you want me to leave the server..I would be more than complicit. If you would just like a break from me, you wouldn’t be bothered whatsoever. If you hate me..again. I wouldn’t blame you at all. Maybe you can see what Richard saw, now. I..i wouldn’t be mad at all. It would truly be understandable, and you wouldn’t have to be bothered again.

I just..care so much about you. And honestly have not hated myself more in a situation in..a very, very long time. I never slept, out of..emotion, and crying, because..the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you. Or ever screw up as badly as I have. And I..am so afraid from here. And I just want to do what’s best for you, and what you want, because I..i wasn’t lying when I said I cared so much. and at this point, as immature, and offensive, and downright awful as I have been, even in this message alone..I truly wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to talk to me again. Because I feel so awful..about everything.

I just..had to give you the utmost and raw honesty and vulnerability I had. Because no matter what happens, no matter how things change from here, you are worth that much to me. And you deserve to hear the truth, even if it means seeing me in my ugliest form. I’m just..so sorry for everything. I’m so..so very sorry.