Notes

im so scared of being judged that its making me downgrade myself even more then i would. i mean im already self conscious about a shit ton of things and im trying to be more confident but its really hard because i feel like if i show up confident ill be called a hoe or some shit. like lately ive been wearing the sweatshirts over the shorts and ive had so many people tell me that i "better not be turning into the slutty tik tok hoes" bc it covers my shorts. and then im always terrified that people are talking about me even though i dont know why they would. and anna's constantly making fun of me by saying how i "don't know how to get a guy" or other shit like that. its constantly happening. and i got in trouble a while ago and i have to write this long ass sentence 100 times and my mom expects me to waste over an hour of my time doing that when its the end of the fucking year with finals and all of that. my mom got back a few hours ago but my dad keeps telling me how i need to be senstivie with her about the house. thats when i realized how much they dont know me. i mean its not like i give anyone the chance to know me. but ya know they've seen me grow up for almost 15 years know i would expect them to understand that im not that fucking innocent. this whole divorce thing has made me even less innocent. i guess im just great at hiding my emotions and shit but i dont really know what im doing or what im supposed to do with my life. im constantly pressured to get good grades and clear my skin and lose weight and because i have the image of the smart perfect skinny girl when im the farthest from that. every little thing that people have judged me for comes back at random times and all of the confidence i might have spent two or three days building up would just be gone. im pressured to pay back the debts and get a job. im paying back debts at 15. i dont need that kind of stress. but i feel like maybe i want a guy because we're clearly getting furtherish apart. by further i mean we fight over dumb shit more and we are constantly hiding stuff or keeping things from other person. i listen to sad music bc sometimes its the only thing i can relate to. i mean we're both broken but we're broken in different ways. i read all these books where the broken girl falls in love with the sweet guy who helps her though the shit and protects her and you have no idea how badly i want that. i want to get some sort of summer thing but i know with my heart its not like it works like that. i cant ever have just a "thing" because i feel too deeply. which kinda sucks sometimes. but i hate how i treat myself bc i know i can be so much more and so much better than what i constantly say but theres always something im self conscious about that holds me back and i dont know what im doing. i was only in the hospital for a week and it wasnt even for that bad of a reason. but im still scarred from it and i hate the hospital more than anything. and the smells of the hospital are the worst. the nurse and docotrs offices smell like a hospital and i dont like it. ok thats completely irrelevant but it relates to the point that all of these little things are making me scared to be more then a holed up child who cant handle her own problems. actually its not like i cant handle them i just choose not to. i hate how high my walls are because compared to other people's shit ive got a great life. i mean sure my parents are getting divorced and my mom and my sister are depressed and im barely holding on and i keep making shitty decisions that force people away from me and its bad and i dont know what to do. im constantly pressured to go back to tkd but i hate it there bc when i was there my life was ok. but its not like i can tell my family that. i asked my dad for anxiety medication and he told me that medication was only for people who had actual anxiety not just worrying. i didnt even know what to say to that. i sit in the bath for hours because its the closest thing i can get to the beach or the pool or away from that house and this family and all of it. im scared that if i ever do get a guy they'll be scared away but how much of a burden i am. there are times when im like what the fuck am i doing with my entire life why do i sit here and downgrade myself like im nothing and then theres the times where i sit there and im like i actually an worth a little bit more than shit huh