Notes

My mind.

Why as the sun comes out does the warmth fade?

Why am I so alone in a room with friends?

Why am I sad on the inside while laughing on the outside?

Doesth though not desire to feel loved and happiness?

Why then does though not leaveth thy room?

Why suffer in the ever greater presence of loneliness

Am I built to break? If so so why fight?

Questions, always questions running through my mind, never any answers.

Why can’t I be normal? I almost slipped today and let the mask fall, we both know what happened the last time I let it fall.

Spinning, standing, am I running? Am I sitting? Where am I? Depersonalizing, disassociating, breaking apart, never being put back together for I am the toy that was forgotten and left behind after you became too old for toys.


That thousand yard stare of yours, piercing soul, as if you can see my very being, not that there’s much to see, I hope I’m not too hard too look upon, I’m so unkind, a eyesore for your sight, I’m sorry.

Racing, running, running, out of breath, scared, worried, let me go, these chains that shackle me to this dark abyss making escape impossible as being myself around you.

I call out to someone, honestly to anyone, no one answers as I am used to, maybe I deserve this, perhaps I should accept this darkness.

“Hello” I hear a voice in the distant, soft, yet confident! “Please don’t approach” I softly let croak out of my pained dry lips.

“You called for help, no?” Calls our that voice again yet this time somehow more confident and louder, as if coming closer. “I no longer wish to be helped, I’m sorry to waste your time”

“Nonsense, no need to be hard on yourself, everyone needs a pick me up every now and again” says the voice now before me a beautiful sight not of a man or woman, but simply light, a light I’ve never seen nor known of to shine so bright before me.

“Come now, now need to wallow in the dark, friend. Well get you out of here, leave this place behind, you don’t deserve this”

“I’m sorry” I call out “but I do deserve this, I hoarsely whisper, I am unable to be sympathetic towards myself, I have nothing to leave this place for. The world doesn’t need me, and I’d rather not be a waste of space”

“Stop speaking that nonsense you’ve simply fallen into the darkness and stayed past your welcome, no need to be so down on yourself chap, we can find your future and your belonging together”

“No I don’t think, we-I can, it’s best if I stay, the world doesn’t need someone who doesn’t wanna love, one who feels nothing sexually, one who’s only enjoyment is in isolation, one who has no greater purpose nor greater dream, I am simply useless to tell the fair truth. And it’s best if you stay far away kind stranger”

“I shan’t bother you any further friend but simply call again and I shall be at your side as you blink”

“Thank you....”

Scared, terrified, uncomfortable, cold, shivering, screaming my lungs out cutting the wrists of my good for nothing body, bleeding out as I feel numb to all but the cold, I am sad, I am alone, I am worthless, this is the truth of my mind.