Notes

I need to stop doing this to myself. I need to pick a side; either starve or be healthy. I have to choose one or else I will keep binging and just be a complete fat blob. I will never be able to leave the house again, I can never wear a bathing suit or any cute clothes. I don't feel good or even alright in my own skin. Sometimes I think to myself, "Fuck it, just eat if you're hungry," but then immediately after I feel like complete shit. Even if I eat a little bit, I will binge because that's how I trained myself. I made myself like this and I need it to stop. It's so hard though. After I binge, I do other things to help myself cope with being fat, like cutting or taking too many pills. If I can go just one day without eating then I could go even longer without food. I will feel so much better and not feel like garbage. I'll be skinny and beautiful. I will be able to wear cute clothes and flaunt my body in bathing suits. Everyone will compliment me on my body and how much weight I lost. Maybe someone will actually like me if I am skinny. Maybe I will actually get a boyfriend and my friends will actually want to hang out with me. I need to starve and then everything will be okay. Being skinny will solve all of my problems. I will be attractive and everyone will like me unlike how I am now. Everyone just sees me as "the tall weird vegan girl" and no one actually sees me as someone to be friends with or someone to date. I'm just there and no one cares, but maybe if I lose the weight then someone will finally want to love me. I hate myself and this life and I will not be afraid to end it if I don't lose the weight.