Notes

This is when i get extremely disgusting and hypocritical. I lied to basically everyone because this is embarrassing. Everyone knows this is embarrassing. But i see it as happening to me and not my choice so this was mostly out of my control. I'm quite sad to leave his lessons. Its gross and cheesy but i really did cling on, unfortunately. My feelings have been strongly suppressed because of the obvious legal issues but it's not like i chose to have feelings anyway. Today, the last day, a.k.a graduation. I believe he saw me come in late and looked back at me a few times. As he was going to leave he stood next to me to watch the last speech before he left. He almost seemed like he wanted to say something to me the several time he turned my way but he didn't. I felt the need to tell him I appreciate the past two years since we would most likely never cross paths again. But he left and i didn't build up the courage. As the ceremony finished I saw him there again speaking to Najah. I built up the courage to go to them and said hi and he said hi and they continued speaking on the topic they were on prior to my arrival. I felt awkward for a minute. Najah left. As a segway to let him know i appreciated the time we spent I asked if he would be there on results day and he said it depended on if he was in london. He asked if i have plans for the holiday and I told him we're going on holiday at the end of August. I told him i want to thank him for the two years and that i hadn't ever met someone so enthusiastic about their subject (which is mostly true) and he chuckled. And we had a laugh about his new knowledge of the term roadman and then I said bye. And he took a card and chocolates from the bench which seemed to be where he put his gifts from students, presumably jasmin's trio. When i saw the card i felt slightly disappointed i didn't get to give him anything. I also felt slightly betrayed that jasmin hadn't told me they would give something because i told her first that we need to get something for both the teachers. Mostly i was sad that my feelings were never mutual but that's only the right way to go for a teacher towards any student. I did have a crush. That's clear now and since i started to act like i don't want to associate with him. What was that joke? It's called a crush because it crushes you. I look like an absolute fool for even trying to show my appreciation because it was driven by my romantic feelings. If it werent i wouldve made an effort to say goodbye to the other teacher. Now i am also realising i'll miss her too. But that doesnt compare to a crush. I think this is mostly because of the need for validation from guys because i've never had feelings reciprocated from the giant factor of going to a girls school during peak hormonal years during teenage-hood. I am slightly insecure but I would never admit it. He was cute and super tall no doubt. A giant smile. A beautiful smile. We shared quite a few common interests. He respectfully kept boundaries which was the biggest reason i was kept grounded to reality. Usually i twist things in my head to seem like people think i'm special. Perhaps one day it will be a reality and someone I like romantically does think i'm special. I have to remind myself it's alright to not be loved by everyone i 'crush' on. Truly, i've never fallen in love.