Notes

You’ve no idea, how much I want to. How much in a million, billion, trillion words, how much I want to explain to you how unfathomable you are, to me. How absolutely beautiful and fascinating your mind is, how I could get lost in it, for hours upon hours, and have. How you never cease to draw me in with the most obscure of knowledge and statements, and then take my breath away with every expanding paragraph. How much fun it is to tease you, how much fun and maddening and face reddening and voice stealing it is to be teased back, because god you are clever and you are cute and everything you say gets me so very flustered because..so many feelings at once overrides my systems and essentially, shey.exe stops working altogether. Because oh my *god* he’s talking to/about *me* and he loves *me* and I have an *equal* who even *outdoes me* and *cares to do so*. I feel like a high school girl, again, squealing over the cute boy who winked at her in study hall. Except this boy came out of no where and said marry me before we even became official *giggles*.

My heart is so full. It’s far more full than I’ve ever felt, far more than I know what to do with. It doesn’t feel real. I keep waking up and being afraid to open my phone because I’m afraid it won’t be real when I look. I’ll go to sleep and wake up and it will have all been a dream. Do you understand, how insane it is for this to have happened? Do you understand, how insane it feels to be loved? Do you understand, how insane it is for you to love me? To even acknowledge me on a platonic level, whatsoever? I know you do, I know I do, so..why on earth? I keep asking myself this over and over, and I can’t come to any solid answer. You are absolutely and utterly insane. But you truly are the most beautiful soul that I have ever been blessed to encounter.

I have no idea what the future holds. In this moment, everything in my life feels extremely blurry. I’ve been trying to think about everything, figure out my plans, work hard to get better at life. I’m..very, very sick. to be honest with you, im in a dangerously bad place in my life and health right now, and I recognize it. but..you make me want to be a better person. Truly become everything I was meant to be, so I can be everything I want, and need, to be, with you. I don’t ever want to lose you. I just want to become better for you, so that I can become the best, with you. I have no idea what the future holds...but I’ve never been more certain, that whatever it holds, or has for me to hold, I want to hold it with you for the *rest* of my *life*.

You are...everything I have ever imagined and idealized a man to be. Honest, caring, *ambitious and intelligent on MULTIPLE realms and levels* - you have *no* idea how *much* of a prerequisite it is for me, in a partner, to have ambition and intelligence, in both knowledge, creative, and *ESPECIALLY* emotion. That where he lacks, he aspires to learn, and to achieve, and become. And where he doesn’t, he aspires to show, to share, and to develop even greater. That is my life long goal, and it is...the greatest feeling in the world, to have someone match me in wit, and in wisdom, thereof. I know you may say that your emotions have just opened, again, and that you are not “emotionally intelligent” as I say. But...I beg to differ. Not only have you shown the greatest emotional intelligence and awareness, as to respond to me the way that you have, but - you’ve shown enough both intelligence and *ambition thereof*, to want to become *far more emotionally intelligent* than you already are. And that, by far, shows greater intelligence, and heart, and character, and maturity, than I could have ever imagined..much less asked for.

You are..so incredibly smart. So very and incredibly smart. I will never *not* be able to learn from you. You are my greatest academic and intellectual sparring partner, and you have and continue to develop my intellect, my knowledge, my communication, my linguistics, my repertoire, and my discussion and debate abilities, just since I’ve met you. I feel truly seen on an equal level, discussing eye to eye at a table I had no idea I would ever be invited to, much less given a silver plated reservation plate and a chair made just for me. I have...never. Not once. Ever. Been treated as an equal. I am either, a mother figure/greater knowledge or authority thereof, or a soft, clueless child/damsel in distress. Not once have I ever been seen in such a place, or felt like I was, thereof. And then, you carved a throne, exact as yours, level to level, just for me. And you have..utterly, and absolutely, no idea how much of a compliment that truly is to me.

You have a beautiful heart. I know you don’t believe so, and you may still have some shards, sharper than others. But I promise you, nothing is more okay with me. We will work together, to sort out all of your pieces. To soften the edges you don’t want to hurt from any more, to exact the pieces that confuse you most. To get rid of the unnecessary, and to replace the missing pieces, the holes, the cracks, with exactly what they need - and hold it altogether with love.

Your humanity makes you so very beautiful, in my eyes. I know you say that you have genuinely been and done so many bad things. And I’m sure that it’s true, I’m sure you’ve been and done the most horrible of things, become the monster you hated most. But...it is okay. I need you to understand that it is okay. You fucked up, but never beyond redemption, never beyond repair. Never beyond my loving you. I became everything I hated. I destroyed people, I lied, i manipulated. I bullied people, sen. After having been bullied all my life and hating that existence the most. I hated someone so much as the dare bring that kind of despair into their lives - and for what? 15 minutes of attention by the other middle schoolers? Grow up. It was disgusting, it was vile, it was everything I swore I would never be, and swear I will never be again. But I became better. And you became better. And just because you aren’t finished becoming better, doesn’t mean you are not the best you, now. At least, in my eyes.

I truly adore the man you are, right now. You are learning, and growing, and becoming everything you are meant to become. You’re uncertain, you’re uncomfortable, you’re in new and foreign territory all at once. You are so very vulnerable. But...the most complimenting, and wonderful, and powerful thing in my eyes, and the thing that I love, and that humbles me the most, is that...in all of this. In all of this, you still choose to open up to me. You see all of your pieces, and instead of shying away and hiding them away from me, you freely give, and you show, and you share, and you bare your heart and soul, to me, because you have deemed me *safe* and *trustworthy* enough to hold them - no matter what they look like. I have..never been seen that way, in another person’s eyes before..much less a lover. not like this. And yet, you do. Without trying to use me, without trying to manipulate me. Without trying to use this as a stepping stone for something else. It just...exists. Placed in my arms and my heart because it was enough. I was enough. And you were enough for me.

You look at me with your mind, your heart, and your soul. With the gentleness of a lover, not the hunger of a lion. You’ve never once tried to get sleazy or push my boundaries. You are always such a gentleman, so kind and respectful. You are *such* a tease, but it steals my breath away every moment, every time, because I know how much *love* and *affection* and *genuine care* lies behind each and every word. Hearing you take in a sharp breath every time I say the words, I love you, was the..most genuine compliment and best feeling I have ever felt in my life. It was..so reassuring. To literally be able to *hear* that this is *real* and you *truly care for me* and it’s not just an *act* or *manipulation* or *anything*. Your heart skips a beat, just like mine does. Your breath gets stolen away, just as mine. Your tongue sits still, mind racing and falling apart, unable to form coherent sentences due to the sheer emotion, drawn to speechlessness because the other person *exists* and *how is it possible*.

It’s..it’s real. It’s *real*. You *really* love me. And I *really* love you. And it’s..it’s not going to abandon me this time. It’s not going to change it’s kind, and leave. It’s not going to back me up against the wall and threaten me. It’s not going to manipulate me. Not going to maliciously and purposely hurt me, or break my heart. Not going to expect me to change, and belittle and threaten me, otherwise. It’s not going to force me to give up who I am. It’s not going to hate who I am. It’s not going to angrily and painfully chip away pieces of me, or rip them from my very being. It’s just..

It’s going to be there. It’s going to love me. It’s going to allow me to get distracted by beautiful things I notice in the cityscape, and watch me in amusement as I get too worked up about something dumb and small that I’ve gotten so excited I may as well be a little kid again. It’s going to hold me, steadily, when I’m too weak to stand from either sickness, or tears, or both. It’s going to draw me closer when I’ve had a nightmare, or simply because it likes to hold me and remember that this is real, that we exist, that the future is bright. It’s going to be proud of me, see my determination and intelligence and not be passive aggressive, or condescending, or manipulative. It’s going to tell me it’s okay to be human, and remind me to be human when I work to hard or won’t let myself feel anything or take a break. It’s going to support my hopes and dreams, and be as equally ambitious, with me. It’s going to love and cherish me for who I am, even when who I am is someone too obsessed with the universe, and all the knowledge and existences within and thereof, and writing 1200 word essays over the littlest of things, and talking so much on a tangent I can’t breathe or get too loud with my words - and then the times I’m too emotional, and speak too softly, to shyly, too quietly, if I even can speak at all. It’s going to love me for the laughter and smiles, but also for and through the tears, and swears, and literal crippling moments where I feel too much to be able to move - and it’s going to tell me it’s okay. That it’s here. And it’s not going to leave me.

You’ve...you’ve no idea, my love. what that means to me. What you mean to me. You, all of you. Your attractive, character filled face and adorable curls that I want my fingers to get lost in, the eyes that I’m infinitely positive sparkle with intelligence, and passion, and excitement, your soft, cheeky grin that I want to kiss every time I can just *feel* you smirking at me. Your infinitely astounding mind, and all of the knowledge and reasoning and intelligence, within. The way I can get lost in your words, for hours, and my excitement for what you’ve to say or do next never dwindles, nor ceases, like an eternal flame of anticipation for what I can learn from you next. The way you share your heart, so softly, so vulnerably, uncertain of just what to say or how to say it, because as much as you adore this as I do, it’s so insane and unlikely, that you’re just as scared as I am that one day, you’ll wake up, and it will all have been a dream. And you just..want to reach out, and touch my soul, to remember that it exists - just as I do, yours.

The way that we are so different, yet so similar. Vastly varying knowledges and passions, and yet, utter equals in each other’s eyes. The way we can always learn from each other, talk to each other, encourage and motivate one another. The way you inspire me, my love. You inspire me each and every day. You inspire me to be a better person. You inspire me to hold on to the future. You inspire me to make it through every moment of sickness and pain. Every struggle, every uncertainty. You inspire me to learn, to grow, to become. You just..have truly had such an infinite impact on me, and my heart, and my soul. There will be a thousand ways I could try, and I will, in fact, try them all - and yet not in a thousand ways will I ever be able to portray nor express nor articulate, just how grateful I am, for you.

You are my heart, Sen - George. You have brought laughter, and joy, and fun into my life. You have brought passion, and love, and meaning. You have bought intelligence, and inspiration, and care. You have brought the world and given it all to me, already. And already you insist on conquering the entire universe, for me. When I don’t even feel I deserve a mere flower within that world.

You will never know what I see in you. The utter talent, the utter potential. I see...so very much light and hope in you. So many things you’ve become, you are becoming, you can become. And you will become. And I want..nothing more. Absolutely nothing. Than to become it all. Alongside, and with you.

I love you..so very, very much. And I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life, showing you that. Each, and every single day.