Notes

(warning cringe post because finsta is where you post cringy stuff NOT TWITTER)
As the salutatorian said, and as Tony Stark said, part of the journey is the end.
Graduation day marked the end of quite a few journeys of my own. Of course, it ended the journeys of countless others in their own ways.
I said goodbye to the many seniors I've interacted with and had classes with as well as the insignificantly few seniors who actually gave me grad cards. Unlike last year, when I didn't know why some people even gave me grad cards then, this year I actually felt connections to those people. It was quite, uh, concerning (?) to see them go, although I promised that it would not be the last times I would see them.
I said goodbye to the years and years of life in choir. Although it started out because Mr. Williams of drama gave me an 88 and I heard that choir gave free 100s, choir has been a part of my life since 7th grade. Regardless of my talent level, I did manage to get to the Ambassadors, the highest tier of choir in SIS, and I did meet lots of cool people and enjoy fun times. The graduation ceremony marked the last of my performance as an Ambassador, and potentially as a choir member. Next year I will no longer participate in a regular choir class, and adjusting to those changes would be hard. I will miss choir a lot - the people, the opportunities, the experience, and everything in between. It felt very empty after the very last concert; it feels even more so now, in that I will no longer wear those Ambassador tuxes and no longer be a part of SIS choir.
But those are not the most important goodbyes and ends I went through today.
As I was sitting on the bus stop (just like how a few people saw) drinking water from the bottle like a drunkard, I.. contemplated on my life choices(?)
To be helpless when others were in times of distress and despair, being only able to observe from far away and be wrapped around in my own turbulent emotions...
And to see how me being beside them never made them happy or positive in any way, but rather being a big nuisance or an obstacle in their own journeys
To see positivity, which was never seen when around me, arise when they were around people other than me..
And realizing that I'm harming everyone around me in this wasteful process,
as well as me being an "emotional ass bitch" as directly quoted from someone
And to consider all that and realize (albeit being too late) that I'm hurting the other as well as myself in this vicious cycle of hallucinations,
I was wrapped around in the hallucinations and mirages while constantly making self justifications.
But after what happened today, I've come to finally realize that it's not working.
Nothing worked out from the beginning.
To wish someone the best, one must learn to let go.
I'm giving up.