Notes

I finally figured out why during HS I was acting strangely towards you. I've told you that among all my friendships I've never had such an issue and that you're a weird case.

It begins in 10th grade after I confessed my liking for you. You handled it maturely, telling me politely that you're straight. I respected you for that and because you seemed cool I wanted to at least be your friend, 'cause I don't fixate on crushes - hence why I confessed quickly.

But, I had become attached to you- I thought it was just a persistent crush or a oneitis, but something felt off. All the blocking and 'emotional' discussions started - but if I ever blocked someone they stayed that way, and the latter has only happened once with a friend, and it wasn't nearly as faggy as what we did; I couldn't put my finger on why that was happening.

You told me I had issues - I knew that something was off for a long time but I couldn't figure out the disorder.
Back to the present - you played with the friend that had been begging you - I felt hurt and abandoned, and thought this is the end, it's only a matter of time before I get totally replaced. But, I had sworn I wouldn't plague you with this type of shit again, and even if you were going to replace me, I made peace with that. It's the same feeling I had in Paladins when you were playing with your other friend.

I decide to get to the bottom of why I felt so hurt, I knew it had to do with me and not you. So after a few hours I come across the concept of "abandonment issues", and I hit the jackpot. The friend I mentioned before was the one I talked to about this nearly 6 years ago, but it came back 2 more times after that (you being the third) and now I figured out the pattern's cause.

My version is part of a larger symptom, a mild/more stable personality disorder (I'm not insane, just disturbed - I'm sure you'll agree). Its symptom first of all is abandonment issues - that explains all the shit I did to get your affection or try to make you act warmly towards me and all that - it wasn't love, just a fear of being abandoned.

You see there never was a person I actively tried to make my friend/keep them, so I never had to go through the pain of rejection - now I know what I meant when I said "you're the first friend I'm actively trying to maintain a friendship with" - all others are natural clicks and barely require effort for us to be true friends. With you I didn't feel like you could really want to be my friend, that's why I desperately clung to it, hence the reason I kept asking if you trust me or what made you want to be my friend. I wanted closure as a confirmation you weren't going to break it off. And that lead to doing stuff that was more likely to make you nope out.

The second one, which explains all the ignoring and blocking is that the personality disorder's other major symptom is seeing the world in black and white. That includes people - you're either my friend and amazing like the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, or low-life subhuman trash. And my abandonment issues reacted to all your teasing jokes and I went from 0 to 100 - you saw it with my mood swings while talking to me also. And when you'd ask what was wrong (closure) I saw you like Christ reborn. The blocking was also to distance myself because I couldn't figure out why I was acting so strangely around you, I thought it would help. If you got this far type the word "smile" in Discord and send it to me so I know you've read this.

So to wrap up, you can forget virtually everything you knew about me in the last 4 years - now that I was able to name the invisible enemy and deal with him I feel like a stone has been lifted from my heart and I must tell you all this to finish the cycle. What all my friends thought was a toxic crush turned out to be just mental issues. I could not be your friend until now because my friendship would not have been pure - I tried my best though.

Now you can meet the real me, not the one who's saying stupid shit just for affection like 'I look up to you' (I respect acknowledge and your gaming skill - I think that's what I meant- but let's not kid ourselves, those words will probably never come out of my mouth). So it wasn't a lie, just an exaggeration. I wouldn't say that (unexaggerated) to any of my actual friends cause that's gay.

So that's it. Thanks for everything until now - I'll try to forget the many shitty things you've done that you don't care apologizing for or acknowledging - I have no more ill feelings towards you, nor am I going to hold you in such high regard; it's been a weird journey nonetheless. So to wrap up these 4 years, I'm looking forward to being rommates, unless you fuck us over and ditch.