Notes

Once Jeno’s tears had dried, Renjun ruffled his hair, before making them both dinner and tucking Jeno into bed. Renjun had crawled into the other side of the bed, holding Jeno’s hand until he fell asleep.
The next morning, they just laid there for a while, scrolling through their phones, not really talking at all. After a while, Renjun stood up, stretching and yawning.
“I’m gonna step out for a sec, okay, Jen?” He said, tugging his phone out of his hoodie pocket. “My mum wants me to check in since I told her I was staying the night.” Jeno nodded before Renjun slipped out, leaving Jeno alone with his mind again.
Had it really only been a day since he’d rejected Jaemin? Had it really only been two months since Jaemin’s accident? Somehow, it felt like so much longer than that.
Jeno’s thoughts swirled around for a while, the boy debating whether to get up and tug on a shirt yet. On the one hand, he didn’t want to get out of bed because it was comfy, and he was upset. On the other hand, Jeno knew that civilized people wore shirts, even if they were angsty teenagers.
Frowning, Jeno gave in and slipped out of bed, stretching, groaning as his back popped. What was taking Renjun so long? %Wow, I really need to clean up my room, Jeno thought as he dug through the heaping pile of hoodies and t-shirts in the corner of his room.
The door cracked open, making Jeno look up, finding Renjun’s head poking into his room, the younger still struggling to find a clean shirt.
“Hey, you,” Renjun greeted, raising an eyebrow at Jeno’s state of undress. “Sorry I took so long, had to make another call.”
“It’s fine.” Jeno tugged another shirt out, trying to discreetly sniff it. %NOPE, he shrieked mentally, NOT CLEAN!
“Although, actually,” Renjun continued, pushing the door open wider, making Jeno look up. “Someone’s here to talk to you.” The door swung open fully to reveal one Na Jaemin.
Jeno froze.

~
Jaemin watched as Jeno’s whole body stiffened, the boy’s bare back to him. A twisted part of his brain was drooling over the toned muscles, but Jaemin quickly snapped it back into place. %He’s not yours, he reminded himself. %You’re just here to explain yourself and then leave. No feelings attached.
“Hey, Jeno,” he murmured, eyes nearly falling out of their sockets when Jeno turned around, still shirtless. Seriously, was he really this cruel to leave Jaemin to suffer like this, just after their fallout?
“Hey Nan-Jaemin,” Jeno replied, equally as softly, looking at Jaemin with an absolutely stricken face. Jaemin’s heart constricted. %Again with the ‘Jaemin’? Did he really hate me that much? “Why did you come here?” %Okay, ouch.
“To talk.” Jaemin gulped. “Can I maybe...come in?” His toe twitched towards the door, making Jaemin’s brain temporarily short-circuit. %Wait what? Did that just happen? Surely it didn’t, right? He wrote it off as just another spasm, the action completely separate from the matter at hand.
“Yeah, just- let me-” Jeno rumaged around in his pile, pulling out a tank top and tugging it on as Jaemin wheeled himself into the room. Renjun’s thumb caressed the nape of Jaemin’s neck before the Chinese boy gently shut the door behind the couple, giving them their privacy.
“So…” Jaemin mumbled, staring at his casts. His friends had signed them in multi-colored sharpies, each person decorating in a different font. Renjun’s was smooth, neat cursive, written in elegant black, while Jisung’s was small and messy, written in the same color. Donghyuck’s a messy scrawl of rich blue ink, while Chenle’s was nice and bold, bright orange, and then there was Jeno’s.
Truthfully, Jeno’s was the one that Jaemin’s eyes had landed on first, the one that his eyes %always, landed on first. His characters were slanted sideways, a sketch of a finger heart right beside it. %Hwaiting, it read, inked on painstakingly in rainbow colors. Jaemin remembered sitting patiently in the hospital room, as his best friend switched colors every letter, tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth.
Jeno cleared his throat. “So…” he copied, sitting on the bed and not looking Jaemin in the eyes. They just sat there for a while.
“I wanted to apologize,” Jaemin blurted out suddenly, eyes darting up to study Jeno’s face. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“No, it’s okay,” Jeno replied, Jaemin watching his throat bob. “I didn’t feel uncomfortable.”
“I’m still sorry for asking,” Jaemin continued, eyes sliding down when Jeno finally looked him in the eyes again. “I won’t force my feelings on you or anything. I just wanted to apologize and ask if we could be friends?” He’d talked it over with Donghyuck earlier that morning, before Renjun’s call, and decided that not being friends was a little dramatic. The younger had agreed with him, saying that he’d have to move on from Jeno eventually. Hanging onto what he couldn’t have would only be damaging. After a lot of careful consideration, Jaemin decided to just take Renjun and Donghyuck’s suggestion and just get the conversation over with.
“Okay.” Jeno’s fists clenched at his sides, Jaemin’s eyes immediately focusing in on the motion. %Jeno never does that, he thought, worry starting to take over his brain. %What did I say wrong?
“Okay.” Jaemin’s heart clenched as his hands slid down to the wheels on his chair, fingers mindlessly tugging his gloves on. “I’ll just be going-”
“Wait,” Jeno blurted, fingers grasping at Jaemin’s wrist, halting the movement.
“Yeah?” Jaemin’s heart started pounding.
“What if,” Jeno paused, sliding off the bed and standing in front of Jaemin, fingers sliding inbetween the gaps in the younger’s fingers. “Maybe I-” Jeno voice was soft, stuttering. Jaemin’s heart was starting to skip beats now. %What if…?
“Never mind,” Jeno breathed, hands dropping Jaemin’s. “I’m sorry. I’ll walk you out.” Jaemin’s heart stuttered, fingers twitching, longing to be held again. He allowed Jeno to push him out into the hallway.
“Renjun said he went home,” Jeno announced, plucking a bright yellow sticky note off the wall and reading it. Jaemin had even seen it, despite being eye level with the note. The awkward silence was really messing with his brain.
“That’s fine.”
Once they were at the door, Jeno sighed. “Guess you’ll be going now,” he said, releasing the handles and standing next to Jaemin.
“Yeah.” Jaemin stared at Jeno’s arms. %Why did Jeno have to be so tempting and yet so, so unattainable.
“Bye, Jaeminnie,” Jeno murmured, meeting Jaemin’s sad eyes before dropping again. Jaemin’s hand clutched at the wheel on the right side of his wheelchair, out of Jeno’s sight, the grooves cutting into his hand.
“Bye, Jen.” Jaemin wheeled himself down the path, eternally grateful for people with flat doorways. His eyes welled up a little, Jaemin’s heart saddened again. He talked with Jeno, apologized, and yet he didn’t feel any better, any less confused. If anything, he was even more baffled than before. He was nearly at the end of the street, about to hit the crosswalk button, before he heard the door slam, making his eyes well up more.
“Jaemin wait!” Jeno’s voice yelled, nearly scaring him half to death. Jaemin twisted his head around to see Jeno running after him, completely barefoot, feet making slapping sounds against the concrete. Jaemin’s heart warmed, just as his brain recoiled. %Where are your shoes?! It screeched, going into full-motherhen mode. You’re going to tear your feet apart!
“I’m sorry,” Jeno panted, hand coming to rest on Jaemin’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry.” Now Jaemin was really confused.
“Why are you sorry?” He asked, voice trailing off at the end.
“For saying no,” Jeno clarified, making Jaemin’s heart stop for the second time.
“Why…?”
“Because it’s not true,” Jeno mumbled, inching closer to Jaemin.
“Then why’d you say it?” Jaemin blurted, hand immediately coming up to cover his mouth. %Oh shit, what the hell, why did you just say that, he mentally berated himself.
“Because we have a lot to talk about,” Jeno replied, coming closer still to Jaemin, leaning down a little. Jaemin was starting to find it harder to breathe. Was he even breathing?
“A lot to talk about,” Jeno continued. “There’s pieces of my past that I still haven’t shared with you. Things that I need some time for. And parts of me that I need to work on.” Jeno paused to take a breath, fingers stroking the side of Jaemin’s neck. The younger’s brain was shortcircuting.
“I didn’t want to burden you with it, with me.” Jeno’s breath hitched, making Jaemin’s heart hurt.
“I would never-” Jaemin started, but Jeno cut him off.
“Let me finish, ok?” Jaemin nodded numbly, as Jeno’s fingers tangled in his hair. “I didn’t want to hurt you more. But now,” Jeno stared him in the eyes, making Jaemin’s heart ache. Was this really happening? Was this what he thought it was?
“I want to try.”