Notes

Sarah,

I will start out by saying, I am not here to deny any of the above. I blatantly did and have done, everything mentioned. I am not here to seek forgiveness. I am not here to fight for anything, for justification, validation, or honor. I have none.

Today I was angry. Today I hadn’t slept and went online to find out people had been banned and drama had been reignited. Today I found out people who had never done anything wrong in LL were banned from there and any other servers. Ben was upset he got ousted from draw when it was his first server, and he’d not done anything in it, and wasn’t allowed to talk to you about it because he had been blocked. It reminded me of merc, and I was angry. I hadn’t said anything. I told him I would talk to you, and planned on it. But then I felt slighted, accused of something hurtful to my character, in staff chat. And I was angry. I hadn’t said anything. Some situations happened today, and my emotions got high. I knew they were high, I knew I shouldn’t have been on in that moment, due to it. I did anyway. when I saw things being discussed, about the whole situation, alex and you both, I lost my cool. I did. Blatantly and directly, I found an outlet and evaded common sense, and shot off. I shot off that I was hurt and angry that you insinuated a lack of trustworthiness by where or who someone is around or associates with, that you had directly and blatantly reflected merc, that drama had started up. I shot off that alex was petty and accused nova of shit she didn’t do, and that everyone was acting on feelings and assumptions instead of talking. And that it was toxic. And then, oh god, you called me untrustworthy. And that hit me worse than anything, and in a moment, I shared it, because I was talking to nova and out out and venting and I was pissed. I was hurt. I was angry. And in that same second, Nova slapped me with a what the fuck do you think you’re doing. And I realized what I had done. I deleted within the same instant, but what was done was done. In a mere second, a breaking point I allowed to happen in my anger, I set fire to everything.

I didn’t message you. I didn’t message Alex. I didn’t give a shit. I didn’t care about any friends, any care. I disregarded my morals, my values, my principles. I disregarded everything I care about or hold true to or believe in, because I was angry. And I was *hurt*. And I pulled the one rule I know most and swear not to. Do not be the monster that they think, or are afraid, you are. Because nothing can hurt me more than being called or insinuated I’m untrustworthy, especially when it’s in association to me doing things to try to be friends with or care about everyone. And in that moment, i ran on the adrenaline. I said, fine, I’ll be untrustworthy. See if I care. Because apparently no matter what I’ve ever done or said, it doesn’t matter in this moment anymore. Why should I care.

But this is obviously and blatantly, so fucking vile. Had I really, been thinking, had I seen past my own white hot emotions, I would have never let it happen. But I blatantly chose not to care. I blatantly chose to disregard everything and blatantly slander because I felt like it. Because I let myself go. because I chose to say fuck it. Nothing matters. No one matters. And in a moment, in my own superiority complex, I turned into every aspect of every monster I’ve ever verbally and mentally crucified. And of all people, I did it in your name. And the moment I realized what I had done, i rid it and felt, overwhelmingly ashamed. I was coming to confess to you that I had done it, when I got banned. And I blatantly deserved the ban, because everything you said in ban and in that moment, was true.

I was still in haven because i just, hadn’t left. I hadn’t touched it in a while until the recent political discussion. Since it was familiar, and is an unfiltered void, I got active in it. you’re right, I shouldn’t have. I should have dropped it long ago. Bens server wasn’t a split off to cc, it was already existent and it became a split off from /haven/ because of everyone being tired of drama, and I hadn’t been active in it in weeks upon weeks. Mages server I was in before, and before sen and I started officially dating, and he knows already that I told mage how upset he was over haven stuff that time — we already had a long fight and reconciliation over my fucking up there and I was honest with him in that.

He knows that’s where I was before and for cat photos and that we don’t DM, he’s never asked me to leave and I’ve never lied to say I left. He also knows that we’re still somewhat friends, though my recent chatting more in the server has caused me to be more of a friend to mage than I should have been. However, you are right. You are fully and completely 100% right, in that I messed up and have been, by not being blatant and transparent, that I hadn’t left and wasn’t fully letting go, and that with him gone more I had become active again in mages server and in haven. However, he does, now, and he also knows that I’ve left. The truth of the matter is up until recently I’ve stayed on the fence in all my friendships and especially my relationship, I wanted everyone to be friends because I was their friend and I wanted there to be peace and I wanted to pretend that I could keep everything or have a fall back plan and friends in case everything fell through. And I’ve realized over the last few personal moments and conversations that he and I have had, that I don’t want this to be like any other interaction I’ve ever had where I’ve held the whole table and have a backup plan for when it inevitably falls apart. I’m truly in love with him and that means making choices, being transparent, and not living my life with a shadow. Being a communicative and mature adult if I want a shot at a real adult relationship. You’re completely right that I’ve disserviced and demeaned and remained that bit of uncommitted and fearful, by refusing to stand by my partner. I’ve resolved this issue, now, because you put into words what I’ve been feeling like for a long time, but hadn’t faced because I didn’t want to lose my normalcy and comfort. Even though I don’t consider myself blatantly friends with mage, and certainly most anyone in haven, I had grown comfortable there for what it was, now. I knew I could exist and that be acknowledged. I was attention hungry and lonely. And I let that be my highest priority. However, not once have I ever been unfaithful or unloyal to sen in terms of allowing flirtation or of flirtation or anything to another man, or woman. Merc, we discussed, sen and I. As to what to do, what was the right course of action, and he knows we never outed ourselves, either one. He also knows I blatantly turned merc down. That was when we were still friends and I still felt obligated not to hurt him. But honestly it’s disgusting that I was like that, that I wasn’t willing not to “hurt” people or not get to be friends with them, over sen. Because that makes me unloyal for what we had then, and you’re right. I don’t want to be that person. And I’ve been honest about it, and I am being fully transparent, now.

I’ve allowed my loyalty to a pseudo peacekeeping and order, and really just fueling my insecurity and desperation for approval and validation, to keep me from being loyal to anyone, except myself. Even with the people I most cared about, I convinced myself I was loyal, I care and that’s why I wouldn’t leave anyone. But that’s not fair to anyone. When you try to please everyone, no one is pleased. I refused to acknowledge the worst faults of some people, or rather, I just shrugged them off because that was expected of them. It’s who they are. But the moment the people good things are expected of, do something that even seems bad, I jumped ship without a second thought. And that’s so vile and hypocritical and unfair and disgusting. and I needed called out on it. I needed to realize what I had allowed to happen and chosen to let myself do and become. I deserve the consequence and the forced recognition of how hurtful and vile that really is. Because now I can choose to fix it, or at the very least, apologize for it, and become less a monster than I’ve become.

I told everyone in mages server that I am in a relationship with senry, and apologized if I had seemed untrustworthy and broken their trust over that or anything else. But that my choice is senry.
I apologized for being as toxic and vile and bringing up a situation that wasn’t meant to be shared at all, much less there. And I left. I left haven, and even left MF, despite it just being a friend server. When I realized my own actions, both in that moment, and by you and nova, I realized how wrong I truly was. I opened up honestly and fully, there, to nova, I confessed fully to meri, I have been honest with and am talking to sen, and now to you.

I broke yours and novas trust tonight. I let a mere moment, where I was emotionally vulnerable and broken, where I saw the past show up and hurt feelings take over, control my actions, and I spit in your face, in the face of your trust, in the face of our friendship. I was mad because I saw merc in you. But instead of treating you like an adult, like my friend, instead of being a friend or an adult, I chose to be a petty child, and let my emotions affect me. And because I had felt so personally betrayed, I let myself betray you personally. And I hadn’t even realized, until it happened. Until nova called me out. Until I realized just how sick I actually was. Just how badly I fucked up.

I disregarded my morality for my emotions. I blatantly did the shittiest thing, I could have possibly ever done. In direct response to feeling like you had done the shittiest thing that you could have ever done. But unlike me, you were responsible. You were mature. You came to me directly. I felt hurt by a lot of insinuations, but you kept it to me. And I didn’t. I hurt you callously, coldly, unabashedly. I turned off. I door slammed. and I was disgusting.

I will not ask for forgiveness. I fucked up so directly and intensely, I would never dream of asking for your forgiveness, or anyone else’s. I haven’t asked, and I won’t. I will not ask for you to forgive me, to stay my friend, to unban me, anything of the sort. I caused an effect and I earned the consequence of my vile actions. And they were vile. I know that. I am not denying it. I am not pretending it’s not as bad as it was and is. I know how bad it is. Like I said, the people you trust to be good, turn out to be bad. The people you trust as your friends and family. They betray you. It is the worst sin imaginable. And I know it. I won’t validate it, or anything I’ve done. I know that I am in the wrong. I messed up. I deserve the consequence. I know I am no longer your friend, I know I am no longer apart of your server or any server in the circle. I know I am no longer novas friend. I know in a split second I caused a nuclear reaction that cannot be resolved. I accept that. I accept responsibility for my actions. I understand and directly see why you did what you did and why you chose to do the things you’ve done up to this point. I was angry, I was being messaged by people, I was seeing things on all sides. But in the end, I know you’re right. I had no real reason to stay except my own comfort and unwillingness to confront people or be uncomfortable. And the fact that I wouldn’t leave anyone or thing shows my lack of loyalty and trustworthiness, despite genuinely trying to be that, for all.

I really was trying to be everything for everyone. It wasn’t malicious, it wasn’t targeted or blatant manipulation. I have always been and tried to be all things for all people. I’ve always wanted to be “the perfect friend” until I can no longer handle the responsibility or something causes hurt or betrayal and then I will 180 so fast, like a true hypocrite. In this case I was everyone’s friend until I felt hurt by you, and then I blatantly chose to speak emotionally and basically fuck it. I directly be a monster and hurt you. I don’t have a validation for that. I emotionally shot my mouth off instead of choosing to just talk to you. I had a petty drama moment instead of an honest friendship moment. It triggered a nuclear land mine, and I should have known better. I did know better. I wasn’t supposed to be a human, and fall to a moment of emotion like that. I was supposed to be more mature, more stable, far, far kinder. A good fried. And I wasn’t. I wasn’t and I obviously haven’t been in a long time. By being hyper tolerant I’ve betrayed the people I truly care about, daily. And that’s the most hurtful thing I could have ever done.

I’ve turned around and made amends to the things pointed out to me. I deleted the things I said right away when nova called me out. I left the servers when I realized how bad it was that I was staying. I stated honestly that I was dating senry because I’m not ashamed of him and I plan to keep him. I apologized to nova, I’m apologizing to you. I told Meri everything I did. I realized that I’ve, blatantly messed up, for a long time. And I made the effort to fix it as soon as I realized. I’m willing to make the effort to fix things. I’m willing to see and admit when I do wrong, and do what I have to do to change and do better. I may can never fix it, like I can’t fix this. You apologize to the plate but that doesn’t mean you didn’t slam it to the ground and shatter it in a moment of anger.

I’m not going to pretend I didn’t shatter the plate, and I’m not going to pray or beg the consequences away. I’m not going to bother you anymore, I’m not going to keep talking. I left all the servers. I won’t spread shit. I haven’t spread shit. It’s not really my ideal existence, it’s stressful and hurtful. I just. I got angry and shot off. I didn’t have the right. You didn’t deserve that hurt. Nova didn’t. Meri didn’t. No one deserved what I did, it was vile and painful and classless and tactless and blatantly evil. I wish I never had. I wish I hadn’t fallen. I was so..hurt. And I hurt in return. And I’ll never be more sorry for it. I’ll never be more sorry for this moment of my life. I can’t make up for it. But I’ll forever be apologetic for it.

Thank you, for being willing to be honest with me. Thank you for being willing to be blatant and cold and forcing me to face a consequence and the reality of my situation and actions. Thank you for being my friend when you were. Thank you for being honest and making me realize what a child I was being. Thank you for making me realize how hurtful I had become.

I’ll forever be sorry for hurting you. Please understand that you were my friend and I never meant to allow myself to be in that position or do what I did. I wasn’t treating the situation as a friend, I was in a dark angry mindset that said no one cared and drama was inevitable and adrenaline rush and fuck it. I’m going to die regardless. And that’s not valid. That’s not justified. I was an absolute dick in every way. And I’m so, so sorry.

I’m not going to ask your forgiveness. But I will let you know your words were not unheard. They were listened to. As were novas. I said what I had to say, I apologized, and now I will move on. I promise I’ll actually learn and grow from this. I promise I’ll never forget how my actions caused horrific consequences and how much you and nova and everyone involved, deserved better. I promise I’ll never stop making an effort to be better. I promise I won’t join any more servers involved with this community and I’ll never say another word in regards to it ever again.

I’m sorry.

That’s all I’ve to say, and I know most of it was redundant. I just, need you to know I understand I made a mistake, but I understand more so that mistakes aren’t excuses, and I’ll never be more sorry or willing to fix myself or grow because of a situation. I became everything that hurt us both. And that will never be okay. Ever.

I wish you and everyone on LL the best life.

Thank you for speaking with me.

Goodnight, Lanean.