Notes

I moved here because I wanted to be with you. I had a hard time adjusting and I feel like that changed me a lot. I don't really know how but it made me question a lot of things. How would I like a new place? How would I replace friends? How would you and I really get along after spending so much time together? Would we be compatible? Would we like the same things? Would we drift apart?
I proposed to you and now I am acting the way that I have been, and that's not really fair to you.

To be totally honest, I felt a little pressured to propose to you. It wasn't really my idea and I had gotten mad at you initially because maybe I wasn't totally ready. I wanted it to be something that I did, and to be honest I totally regret how it went down. I hate lying to everyone about the ring that I didn't even buy, and I would have really liked to do it on my terms, more than just in our living room really. I would've like it to be special and memorable.

Sometimes when you're feeling down and stuff, even though it's really not your fault, and I know that, it's really hard to see us being able to do anything together. And I feel weird suggesting things because of you saying that you think it's stupid or you don't want to do it. And that's hard, even though you tell me not to be afraid to ask, it sometimes is easier to get an impression about how your feeling about it and not base it on what you say. So that scares me. What will you be like on vacation? If we're in Italy or something and I want to go out and see the city and you just want to stay in the hotel, I won't be able to go do these things while feeling good about them.
Not to even as large of a scale as that. I really wish that you would come out to hang out with my friends from the Man Utd group sometime, I see everyone with their spouses and it's hard to answer when they ask about you, she's tired or something. And I am by no means saying that you need to come every single time, because you don't, at all. But I just wish that I could feel comfortable asking you without you just saying "nope". And that being that. I know you don't want to come, but I want to do things with you and share things with you. So that's hard sometimes. I know we're different people, but that's really what scares me, compatibility.

I want you to want to hang out with your friends, because these people are important to you, and I want to know the people that are important to you. I want to be a part of your social life, too. I'm not pressuring you to hang out with your friends when I say we should hang out with Liam and Helen, I just want to go out and do things with you and share that time with you. Have fun with you. Lately, it has felt like we have been living separate lives and then talking a little about them together when we can. Everyone is busy, and I feel like we can make time to go out and do new things, and try new activities, and eat at new places, and take trips. Small things that we can do together, that are possible even with the little money that we have.

I know I haven't paid much rent. I am going to prioritize to help you with everything, I will see about Montreal, and if it doesn't work with me being able to help you pay for stuff, then that's that, I can't go, that money needs to be allocated elsewhere. Do I want to go? Sure, but priorities must be set.

Sometimes I feel like it would be nice to have you initiate sex more, too. It's hard having to always initiate things. I feel like we should talk about it and get on the same page, and have a little intimacy, instead of just okay well we're having sex now, and now it's done. We could get a little adventurous and talk about it more, what we want and don't want etc.

The whole chores argument isn't about me telling you what to do. It's just about me telling you what's important to me, and that is having a clean house. It causes me a lot of stress when I see things not clean or not finished or cat litter all over the place or something. It's nothing to do with you, I just want to work together on that.

Lately, I feel like we have been missing, missing what each of us wants or needs, and missing communicating, too. This all makes me scared about compatibility. Do we match, and if we don't can we make it work. It's all about communicating to each other, we need to do it more and more effectively. You can't read my mind, and I can't read yours. I have been hesitant about marriage because of all this, I feel like working out the kinks is what we need to do, and if we can't then we need to come up with a compromise that works in the long term for both of us, and if we can't do that we need to decide what to do. I'm not trying to be defeatist here, I am simply being realistic, and I have felt very disconnected from you lately, we haven't done much together, and we seem to not be getting along as friends, but rather as people are supposed to see each other.

I love you a lot, but these are my hesitations, feelings and really deep down what I've been feeling. I don't want us to break up at all. I don't, but I want to make sure that you and I are on the same page with everything and we can comfortably move forward while doing things that we both want to do.