I don’t have a lot to say right now, merc. you broke a lot of hearts. Sarahs, kats, and mine *as your friend*. You didn’t listen to me when I did let you down, or the times i did confront you about how you treat others. Like lily for example. how you would say you learned, then never did. How you, slowly unraveled the person you tried to, paint yourself as, to me. How you, didn’t actually care for people. or, for the importance or intimacy of sex or relationships or people. how you, didn’t actually care about or mean the things you said, the things we talked about. from how you treated people with the mirror realm, to after, to how you used kat, and played along with Sarah, and still kept pressing me by flirting, and either not listening or not catching on to my evasion. and I know you’re going to tell me “but kat did xyz” and I know, I’m not saying I support or agree with her decisions in the situation or in life. but, you still had the upper hand in the power dynamic. You were still almost a decade older. You were still using her without any feeling or attachment. You knew she had developed feelings because Sarah warned you. you still didn’t break it off kindly. you still hurt a teenager. And I also know you’re going to say “but Sarah knew I didn’t like her like that. so did you.” And yes, but. I still watched you, be pretty flirtatious in interaction. I still noticed you play along and kind of toy with her. you like the attention, from both girls. Whether you realize that or not. you weren’t actively trying to put a concrete stop to it. you’re lonely. I know you are, but, that doesn’t validate anything. and I know you’re going to try to spin it, or defend it. Say “I made a mistake”. You did. But you were pretty consciously aware of the things you were doing. you still acted everything you swore you were against. you still lied to me, merc. you showed your true colors time after time and time again. and when you were confronted, you had, such a victim complex/mindset. You would either, get defensive, play the victim, get upset/angry, drink, not listen at all and stay stuck on your point, or, pretend you listened, you learned, and then, do the exact opposite of what you said. of what you claimed to learn or agree with or see now. Same as claiming to think as or believe in something, and then acting completely otherwise. Completely. You lied to me merc. you didn’t listen. You treated my friends like garbage. like things to be used, or played with for your benefit. and then to have the nerve, to come to me and pretend to be fully honest and transparent, without actually addressing anything that happened, without respecting me, clearly showing you never listened or cared about my actual feelings or what I had to say, and, to, have the nerve to come to me and *tell me how* **i** *feel and have felt about this whole situation and you*, not only putting words and feelings in my mouth, but, clearly showing you never really got it - even when I told you directly. Not dropping it, in respect to me, and not even dropping it but rather, utilizing it to hurt others. utilizing it to validate your actions. People I cared about. Teenagers even. I’ve felt, so guilty. So sick. That if I had just, let you have and use me, to fulfill yourself and fill the void you’ve been filling with other things and people, then other people wouldn’t have gotten hurt, the way they have. There would still be hurt, but it would be different. It would heal easier. And then, maybe, I could have influenced you, to not hurt others in other situations, and you would have actually cared, actually listened. that you acted like, you were so genuine, so caring. and then you just, used everyone. The fact that you have the, nerve, to say how you set up this power dynamic and I was too weak because of it, in the situation, because of you and your power, and how helpless I was to confront you - when in actuality, I continually confronted you, even in the clap back you offered, on multiple issues. From mirror realm, to haven, to myself, Sarah, to this. and especially in regards to, my feelings towards you, and especially the lack thereof when the initial pique, resolved. Because I cared about you, merc. you were my friend. A good friend who I genuinely trusted and cared for. And as you were, flirting and still trying to be involved, I became more and more vocal, about how I felt, or rather, didn’t feel. And how I cared for you, but we wouldn’t work or have worked. About all of that. Because I cared enough for you that I didn’t want to lead you on. And I didn’t want to destroy our friendship. And yet, you persisted. And still were persisting, even as you treated my friends this way. And you dare look me in the eye and say that you didn’t understand why I didn’t say anything. Why you didn’t know. And it was probably your power making me helpless. I wasn’t scared of you merc. I am your equal, and was on the server - as a person. as a friend. no matter how you see yourself or try to reason with yourself in this situation. I had and gave no problems telling you what I believe in or how you are wrong in a situation, and you know that. what made me “helpless” was the fact that, you never listened. you never cared enough to. It went, in one ear and out the other. And you never really believed or acted like or planned to act like, any of the things you claimed, to me. you tried to lie to me to get to me. just like my exes did. you knew my honesty and integrity and my thoughts on things. and you can’t say I was too worried or scared. you were too stubborn and selfish, merc. I gave up trying because I had nothing really left in me to try. you were gonna flirt regardless. you were gonna tell me you believed in treating people one way, and then treat them any way you wished, especially opposite of that belief, if it benefitted you, regardless. you were going to tell me you had listened and been changed or changed and felt you needed to do something in your life or to better yourself or whatever else, and then do anything but, regardless. you weren’t going to work. you were going to force your methods and ideals to work even if it killed you, your server, and/or your friends in the process. and I knew that. I tried to help until the end, even on the littlest things, because in the end-you were my friend, and I wanted to believe in you. but in the end, I realized the friend I thought I knew, isn’t the friend I had at all. and I’m not really sure the friend I had, in the end, was ever my friend at all. just someone who wanted to use me to try to fix himself, instead of, actually trying at all. and I think that, merc, is the most painful thing of all. I thought you were my friend merc. I thought you cared about or at least understood how much I cared. about you, and about my friends. but in the end you hurt yourself. you hurt your friends. and you hurt me, merc. you broke my heart. and I’m not even sure you’ll ever really understand that. And I don’t know how to try to get through to you. Because I’ve never been able to. You never see where you’re actually wrong, and thus make no effort to fix it. And thus, in the end, the world burns. because you lit and dropped the match, merc. and I hate. I hate. having to watch your world burn. because in the end, I care about you. you were my friend. and I never wanted your world, or anyone else’s, to burn.
