Notes

Yes I think I will Vy, thank you and happy valentines to you too. Now that I've been thinking for a few minutes, I've been piecing together deeper thoughts/conclusions over the past few months and ideas floating around my head. Yes, you are right...God has plans. I think the harder I try to make things work/figure out the book he has written for me, the more lost I get. I fell for initially katherine because she says Hi everytime she sees me and me being stupid just made myself available to talk to her because tbh i wanted to get closer to my ts2 peeps and understand them more and if there were more peeps like kat, i think i would find an easier time not worry about losing yall/making it easier for me to move on in college if i go far from SEAS (this is explained later below ) but if there was anything more with me and kat, i could probably come up with 500 reasons wrong with me that would kill anything even if it started. I noticed that I fall for people that ---do little things for me that I value or care about me or can relate/think deeply and perceptively like me .
Example: One time I had like a crush on Taylor because there was this activity we did for first impressions at SEAS and I know for sure she wrote it because she took forever to write it on the paper stuck to my back. but she said "I love seeing your smile every week" or something and I thought that was kind and then i figured out she had a boyfriend. Another thing is that I suck at reading people so idk if people trying to be friendly but i need to stop reading into things. Like on the one love retreat, mindy made me like a prayer bracelet which i really needed at the time so like i liked her a lil bit but then i found out she liked ethan ha or sum. Then mai anh hugged me and gave me like a candle so like i was like wow and we talked a bunch after retreat but then that died too for some reason. a few weeks ago, me and mai anh actually talked about the current retreat she was a leader for now (ts1 ts2 retreat 2019) and then we somehow came to talk about whether i ever had feelings for her. i said yes and asked how she knew and she said i used to txt her good morning everyday until one day i stopped and she knew i didnt like her anymore. she told me she asked because one day I was happy and personally snapped good morning to everyone and she got scared I hadnt moved on or sumthing but i told her not to worry because it was feelings only after one love retreat but thats gone. But like me and mai anh are close buds now but im afraid i might lose her in the future too. Seeing how things are going I think God's probably telling me that you fall for these people because you truly love them which explains why im not hurt but rather understanding of why these things happen...i just have some hope of maybe...lol i guess but god be like. dont risk breaking the bonds by taking it in another way.#OneLove Like I've never felt the bonds and camaraderie anywhere else before SEAS and although it may be deeper with some than others, I think I just want to keep y'all around in my life forever. Like can I please marry someone that is related to all of y'all so i can see y'all for the rest of my life. I just want to be a brother so I can hug and kiss yall on the cheek not like a weirdo because its all I want and it not being so weird....idk how to describe it except for #onelove. Im 18 now and i know I wont live past 100 but any amount of time up to 82 years is like so long without you and them. Like wowza what would i do if yall dont root me down and teach me something everyday whenever i get a chance to talk to some of yall. im worried cause like after high school, people spread away. after college, u only have a handful of friends. i read an article where the friend circles are 5, 15, 50 and when u older, u have a signiifcant other and 4 close friends u still have time for pplus family + kids. thats sad cause i dont want to lose yall in the next few years. idk if we can all meet together in heaven and how we do that either. what really hit me was Thay Johnny and how his Lo Duc class of 60, he only talks to 1 now...Co DeeDee aka Thay Steve's wife. We have a class of 38 so are u telling me i am talking to .63 of a person? I dont want to move on from SEAS and OneLove because it is part of me and who i am. i know we all gonna have different lives but can God let me drop in on yall and check up on how ya doing and if ya need help, please hit me up and pray to God my parents have given me enough freedom to leave the house. i dont know but that's all i have bc my brain is dead at 2 am. P.S. I think honestly think you're pretty cute but you're moving too arizona and i think you should slam my ideas shut on me too lol. just kill any hopes. ok bai. thanks for reading