Notes

The empty feeling awakening by the emptiness. I opened my eyes and once again i woke up alone staring at the ceiling what this day will bring me. I come out the room and see my dog curled up on couch looking as alone as i did. I walked up to him petting him kissing his little forehead. I proceed to walk down stairs to go watch my grandson wondering where my second half was. I knew which room he will be in so i didnt bother to go check. I continued to walk down the steps seeing my little sailor eating snacks on the high chair. I smiled at him but didnt want to pick him up because didnt feel to good. As i wait for my daughter to come back i freeze for a moment feeling sad inside knowing is just another day. I look up at the ceiling thanking God for another day when many didnt wake. The guilt of being sad about just another day feeling was hitting me hard asking God for forgiveness when many didnt wake up today. I stand up and try to make the best of this day so i grab the precious little one hoping for warmth in my heart. My heart was as cold as ice but i had to pretend to be happy because it was another day and i have all i needed. Wait but no it just didnt feel that way deep inside so i blame myself for the selfishness and after conversing with my daughter for a few i realized that she could never help the emptiness i felt because she looked as empty as i did. Horrible right ? Yes within seconds we get into it i say ok this is my cue to go back upstairs and hide in my pain. I go up slowly peeking at my spouse there he was sleeping in a heavy sleep with his phone by his side. It was interesting to me how we cannot live with out our phones even as we sleep waiting for that text that could entertain that emptiness. Funny we could all care less who it is but we ok with entertaining the crappy nonsense. That text that will make you smile eventhough we know is all bullshit but hey the smile should be all worth it. We all need to smile i guess. In curiosity i just walked back into my room closing the door and once again staring at the ceiling saying oh gosh is just another day. A day of fakeness of all those around me pretending to love me because i hardly ever get a hug from anyone. Once again i had to repent for my selfishness of the another day thing. God was not to happy. I decided just like that to just sleep off the feelings i was having and just hope that my second wakening was going to be different. Opps woke up but hardly slept the heart not only speaks for itself but the mind is always awake. Atleast mine is. Oh boy here ago get up come out the room and eveything felt just the same. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day!