Notes

Today

We could conquer the world if we tried. We could generate the best of conversations, whenever we talked. We could solve any trouble, and create all the joy in the world.

That was us, a rock in an ever-changing world. I will always be here, and you would alway be with me.

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You were far away

A beautiful alien, forged by incidents and experiences. Strong but trusting. Determined, yet allowing and forgiving.

You were simply taught to be suspicious, cautious, by none other than Life itself. Skepticism has found its way into your heart, and opted to stay. Both your power and your weakness.

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And I

The very first time I laid my eyes on you, a spark kindled... something.

Numb, muted and raw. I was a machine with an astonishing number of features and abilities, but without a proper manual. Using which I have found through experimentation.

As time progressed, as our paths crossed, my confidence grew stronger. Until one day, our eyes linked, and and a great flame burned me, started cleansing me. I was hooked.

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I imprinted.

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Didn’t ask you why, what could I say?

You seemed to have found my manual, with a score of never-seen-before features. And I obeyed, without question, religiously following you, my shaman.

Always looking at you when things were tight, asking for quick and smart solutions.

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I was far away

Habitual life, religious beliefs about us, my own nurtured nature. I was simply dulled into a frightened shadow. Hiding behind a wall; not knowing it is there, and it is formidable, and it is despairing. My own prisoner.

In a sense, I knew what you needed, what you craved. You made sure of that wonderfully. I feebly attempted to keep up with some.

You were trying to give me all the tools to keep your dark passenger at bay, inside.

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You just walked away

But it prevailed. And cravings are made to be fulfilled, one way or the other.

At first we chose together to outsource some needs. It started as a lazy motion, disguised as thoughtfulness. Make you whole using other people, so that you could still be with me.

The start of the end.

Thinking you are content, I was neglecting more of your needs, and they started all being automagically filled by others around you.

You, previously uninterested in a network of connections, attached yourself to your environment, to make up for the one you wanted.

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And i just watched you

Seeing the consequences frightened that shadow, behind that wall far away. And I just watched you. I reacted with all the wrong moves, at all the wrong places. Maniacally, relentlessly maddened about incidents and my own sorrow, instead of the underlying rationale, and your own.

Then we embarked on a new journey, seemingly together, only us, but apparently alone.

Where I was excited you were anxious. My high hopes, contrasted the gaping black hole in your chest, each of ours growing every day.

Until...

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Slip away

Alas, you fell out of love. You fell in love.

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How close am I, to losing you?

Denial, anger, grief, depression, bursts and out-bursts. A range of mixed emotions scattered on a spectrum I had never known existed. There was a big bang inside, resetting every aspect of me. Do machines think they’re dying when we reboot?

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How is it possible to never want to touch a person yet to need it right here, and right now?

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Hey, are you awake? Yeah I'm right here

Well can I ask you, About Today?

We didn’t try, how could we conquer the world?

We didn’t talk, how could those conversations come to fruition?

I was a very willing, but equally absent companion. You cannot talk alone, there can’t only be one present in a couple.

Endless opportunities are meaningless, if that is all they remain.

You came at me with a mallet. You broke me completely, disassembled chunks of me scrambled on the floor.

I asked for more. I needed redemption. It started with a resolution.

I will do everything in my power to be a person you desire and ache to be around.

I’m a Warrior.

I finally saw that I merely squired you on my personal journey, without taking charge.

I took the needed steps to always remember, in detail.

That mallet went through that wall.

You helped me pick up part by part, by myself, trying to explain them, discovering new underlying mechanisms, understanding the wiring underneath.

Over the years, you gave me countless moments. This time, you gifted me with the worst thing I had ever felt, witnessed and even dreamt about. At the same time, that same time, was my best experience, most I felt loved and loving.

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I missed you.

I truly, genuinely, with all my aching heart, missed you.

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How close am I, to losing?

I started a new manual, written and owned by me. You always have permission to review, and suggest, but I hold the ink.

I will now be my own master. I will be the best version of myself. But I wish you to be my lady.

That great flame, slowly reduced, has turned to a blazing fire, not contained, but everywhere, all the time.

And without meaning, I slowly lit a torch with it.

That torch, given to you, meant to stay in your heart, right alongside that dark passenger, is yours to do as you desire, and see fit.

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Through thick and thin,

I will always be here.