Notes

On septemeber 21st i met marc iniguez. my first "love" and heartbreak. i was so in awe of this kid it was crazy. i thought he was my perfect guy like PERFECT he was all i wanted and more at the time. He made me the happiest person in the world before he made me the saddest. every morning i enjoyed waking up because when i checked my phone i'd see a message from him. every morning i woke up to "good morning loser" with a heart. every night i would fall asleep with my last message received being " goodnight princess" or "goodnight my everything". i told him that i loved him every chance i got. he was the only person i wanted to take to and be with. i would see pictures of him and find something else to adore. i got butterflies every time i was near him and whenever we talked i would smile. he was always my 11"11 as i was his. as soon as i would turn on my phone i'd see him because he was my wallpaper. no one made me happier more than he did. we stopped talking due to him. we would talk about us not talking anymore and he always assured me we wouldn't. i believed him. he promised me he wasn't going to date anyone for a long time and that he wouldn't stop talking to me. i wasn't hurt because we stopped talking but because he broke his promise and i lost my favorite person in the world. i remember wanting to cry for weeks because of him and even talking about him made me sad. that was the case for 8 months. no boy pleased me and made me happy the way he did. i would talk to other boys through snapchat and instagram hoping for that again but i never found it. i got into trouble for it and when my parents asked why i did what i did i said "i dont know". that was a lie. i do know. i did it hoping that i found someone just like him. i did it wanting to find another person who made me feel the way i felt with him. no one was able to do that. marc was a romantic he always told me cute things that made my day and he was the cutest boy i knew. in my eyes he was the most amazing person in the world. he wasn't. we were never together but we were exclusive. or at least to me we were. i didnt want to talk to anyone else and up to this point in my life not talking to him and getting over him has been the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i know because i'm a "little kid" i wasn't in love but that was my interpretation of it. and i never want to feel that heartbreak again. i wanted to shut everyone out when we stopped talking because when something was wrong i talked to him. i lost that. i talked to my uncle who became my favorite person ever because i trusted him. after me and marc didn't talk things went downhill. i wasn't as happy as before, i started smoking and talking to other boys in ways i shouldn't have been. and not once did i mean whatever i told them. saying 'i love you' is one thing but meaning it and showing it and doing anything to prove that you do to someone is a whole other thing. i can say i love you but meaning is something else. currently it is May 3rd and i'm okay. I stopped smoking which was a habit i got into right after i got my heart broken Lol. I learned to appreciate my friends and adore all the people who are there for me. I'm questioning myself as of right now though. i ask myself why i would smoke and i say i dont know but when i tell an adult this they always reply saying "what do you mean you dont know?!!" and i genuinely have no clue why. I need to focus on myself and bettering myself so that i can be the best version of my self. One of the biggest things i need to fix is my attitude & the way i am towards my mom. i treat her horrible and she really doesnt deserve it. i dont know why she puts up with me but she does. I dont deserve a lot of the people in my life but for some reason i have them. Im a happy person now and well im over marc, thankfully. Im about to leave my school and begin a new part of my life. Going to De anza probably isnt the best for me due to my smoking habit but i need to have self control and remember im going to get caught and remember that that's not me and i do not enjoy it. I need to have self control and learn to not listen to others regardless or what they'll say or think. I need to focus on 3 things right now. Myself first of all, My attitude, and the way i treat others, my mom mainly. I play softball and it helps me as a person because it helps me too balance things out. On April 29th 2019 i realized and came to the conclusion im okay again and im over marc and no longer need him to be happy. At one point i thought that i'd never get over him and i'd never be happy but i now know that i was just sad and only thinking about the bad things. I was wrong, i was able to do both of those things and now im better than ever<3.