Notes

I have a crush on Chiya. It's hard. First, I'm sure she just thinks of me like a little sibling, or a plain friend, or maybe she doesn't think of me at all, but I'm too much of a heart player to acknowledge that. I have a bad crush on her. I have the worst crush on this girl. I helped her figure out she's a lesbian and I'm watching HXH with her, and we talk over Whatsapp and sometimes it's good, but other times, when I'm not talking to her, I'm suffering because dear God. I want you to say that you want to hold my hand. I want you to say how much you'll kiss me, how much you like me. I want you to fall for me so hard that I'm all you have in your head, that you're unable to focus because I'm there. I want everything to remind you of me, I want you to compare us to pop culture couples and want you to fall in love with me, and I want to fall in love with you. I want to make useless plans for meeting that will never come to life, I want you to confess at three A.M. on a saturday, or in one of those sleepless nights that we have. And it's awful. Everything I feel, it's awful. I'm only 14. I'll have so many crushes ahead of me, so many girls to like and dislike and fall for. I'm sure this is a one week, one month thing. I'm sure this'll go away. But for now, the feeling's strong and I can't shake it off. I'm writing this, writing for the first time in probably a year, because a goddamn wikiHow article told me to, so you know it's bad. Chiya, if I ever show you this, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I like you hard enough to write, and write, and write about you. This is awful, and I hate it. Liking you is a chore, a curse, because you have other friends, other crushes and people in-real-life to like. But here I am. Writing about impossible things, that'll never come to be. Good night.

You just texted me. Fuck off.