Notes

i know you are angry or upset because of my that day text and i was really tough when wrote that and later said sorry if you remember.
Actually soumia i care more about religiousness even it's a small thing than other thing even i am not a Muttaqi. I never thought about my marriage until i really engaged with you and you know, because of my situations. i told you maximum of my problems and you said you accept them but my fear you will feel cheated when you see those problems by your own eye because it's more tougher than you can imagine from there. Really i wish i can be your husband but my fear is your life can be ruined because of me because nowadays people don't have patient to face any struggle like before. i can never express my sorrow to anyone and even can't cry because it's odd when a guy cry. No one helps us in any problem because if they come to help who will laugh? though my parents were always in first line to help people.
One of main problems is farhana apu, no i am not blaming her but it's truth . definitely she was best of us but when she became ill like this she did many things which down graded us a lot . i don't know what is actually happened with her . She is too stubborn and used to be aggressive. We took her to hospital, did ruqya so on but she isn't ok till now sometimes talks at home alone little bit aggressively, sometimes do misbehave. Mom needs to put medicine in food secretly because if she comes to know she won't take. She even doesn't say mom dad. I can't take my friends to home by fearing that if she say something what will people think and will be ruined our image as you know nowadays people, who love discuss, criticize people's weakness and she did this types of thing before . Once you said you accept this but if you really face this you will run out your patient and want to live separately. As you said you wont marry me ,OK, then i am talking in general do you think anyone wants to marry me or anyone wants to give their girl to me by knowing all the things? no soumia i know there isn't any girl who will jump into this hole even if she good and all aren't good like you . When i think this things i really become upset. sometimes think if my parents die what will do with her? i deeply believe my other sisters won't help me and i have this confident very much . People's mind is like boiling water or like a feather which fly when wind come and my mind and heart is also same . i also hope to be with you but when i realize reality then i feel shame and lose my interest.

i wanted to say many things but can't say . and pleasssse you know me for 16 months so judge me with whole time not just what i recently said . i never wanted to insult you rather i tried make you believe what i believe in . you really misunderstood me . how i can make you understand what i want to meant . my this tear too won't make you believe what i tried to say .

i am asking your forgiveness without any conditions. i know i am not like your status and you are a highly educated what i am not . so take my faults lightly like how an uneducated person do mistakes and forgive me. and please judge me by thinking whole time not just based on one text