Do you know how badly any of this sucks for me? I'm trying my best not to break down as everything collapses around me. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but I feel more broken than ever. I haven't been able to feel an actual emotion since the retreat. Since everything started to become more ruined. I feel worse than when I realized the situation I was in with Andy. I hoped that I would never experience that pain again, but now i'm here feeling it, and it's the worst thing I've ever felt. I really shouldn't be sharing any of this with you, but here I am. The retreat wasn't the first time I've gotten into a huge argument with my parents, it's happened so many times before. For some reason, this one hurts more. Why? Idk, but it's also the first time I thought my friends could help with a personal problem, which was really stupid of me. And it's worse that I didn't go to you first, I went to him. I know I spent the retreat near him, but we only talked like 4 or 5 times. Yet, I asked him for help. After the first day, I told him something happened. I didn't tell him it involved me. Just that something happened. Then I told him if he could help me by asking his parents to sign me out. A leader told my parents that I'd be going home with a friend, so he could've. But my dad decided to come anyway. I apologized to Emmanuel, then went home. Peace lasted maybe 2-3 seconds after we left. That's when I got into the argument and got kicked out for the day. What was it about? I showed an unmanly emotion. Yup. I showed anxiety. And it was really bad. Ask Karla, she knows all about it. Worst part was probably that East knows about it to, because i accidentally texted him instead of Caitlyn. Anyway, I asked him, and he couldn't. It wasn't his fault, but a lot still changed. After that. I've felt empty. Faking my emotions more than my anxiety ever could. When I'm anxious, I can't control them. If i'm sad, i'll cry. If something makes me smile, I'll be laughing till I'm on the floor ( sound familiar? ). Little feelings turn into huge things when I'm anxious, but now, I've never had a good reason to care. Sure I'll laugh, or smile. But that's been me trying to feel happy, when I can't feel anything but emptiness. But it gets worse when I'm with either him or my family. It's obvious why I'm worse with my family. They're cold heart people who give no remorse to those who do anything that can be considered feminine; literally any emotion. But Emmanuel, why him. Sure he was there, but I know that's not the only reason why. We both know how i feel about him, and maybe that's the reason. Maybe it's your relationship with him. I mean, you were the only one who seemed to care about me last year, and you've been trying to make me talk to him. But that's just not possible. The only thing that makes sense is that I'm overreacting again. Remember Andy. He did little compared to what others did to me. Now, he still did a lot, but I reacted a lot worse than i should've. Unfortunately, it's a thing I know i do. Also, Andy made me blame myself a lot, and instead I blamed others who deserved it because i would've gotten overwhelmed. That's what I think is happening here too. I'm trying not to blame myself, since I know I'm not at fault here, but because there was no way he could've helped me, I managed to dislike him. I'm trying not to, but my mind still does it. I feel so bad for doing it too. I haven't done anything, but I feel bad for thinking it. He's one the best people I've met, he hasn't done anything wrong to me, yet I still found a way to dislike him. Never have I had a better reason to hate myself...
