Notes

My dad married my mom just to have kids that will be like him and he hated her since he met her...
I mean this is nothing special to blame him for, almost every guy is like him, you know the "normal" guy...
"Normal" guy is a guy that after being a pervert for few years and after he is done with destroying his life he pretends that he is nice and he marry a "normal" girl just because "he has to" and he has kids...
"Normal" girl one that was or maybe wasn't perverted but wasn't nice of course and probably was a bitch, prostitute, whore, slut or something like that and of course that was destroying her life too but she also has to marry, pretend, get kids with someone and other things...
Most of the people destroying life like to call having fun and enjoying but whatever i hope you get it...
My mom was a lying and cheating bitch so she actually deserved everything that happened to her...
Well it was still kinda harsh and everything but her problem not mine...
My dad is an ass and i do hate him so fucking much...
Well not as much he does hates me but anyway...
I do hate my mom too but less than him of course...
Yes i don't want anyone to feel jealous i hate you all guys if you are fake of course!
The truth is that about 60% of all my problems i ever had and i have came from him so...
Since i got born i have problems with pooping and peeing, that never changed, even now sometimes i do poop in my underwear and i pee in bed when i sleep...
Those might be caused by the fear i got from my dad and all those traumas but i can't be sure...
I had and i still do have a lot of problems with my health and it's not going to get any better at all...
But wait that is not all i also have a lot of mental problems too!
I know that i am just a big baby and that i forever will be but it is not my fault at all!
If you can't accept me for who i am just simply leave right now don't bother to pretend that you give a fuck about me...
I mean i know everything is mostly my fault and i do fuck up everything but my body just sucks in so many ways...
Well that is at least what fake people always were telling me and made me believe in...
I do make mistake because no one is perfect, but because of fake people i thought i hate myself...
I was always blaming myself for everything and i still do just less...
I thought i hate myself but now i see that i hate all those fake people but sadly i don't love myself either...
All i know is that i am not going to let fake people do this anymore to me...
I am not going to trust them and listen to them ever again!
I am being myself and i am proud of myself just the way i am!
When i got born and my dad realized that i look like my mom he started hating us both even more...
I do hate everyone and everything, i don't trust anyone and i never will but at least i try not to hurt people like him so i stay away from them all...
That is just one of the reason why i am way better than all those fake people and i always have been!
After i got born he started to beat us up, abuse her and do a lot of bad things to us both...
About two weeks after i got born she left him to live with her parents...
If you can't get it why it is because she was done with him, his sickness and him being fucked up...
That is what almost everyone does to me, they always just leave...
She probably left so she can actually cheat on him because he knew that she will do it so he was very jealous and he was always checking her...
They haven't trusted each other and that is it fake love...
Yeah i won't lie to you i am fucked up kinda like him, i am sick and because of my life i got even more fucked up, broken and sick...
I don't expect people to understand anything of this but i want you to understand that it is too late for me, no one can't really help me so please don't even try to do so...
Because i am actually doing way better than you all...
If you don't agree with me and think that i am wrong about any of those okay but then don't come to me at all!
Don't try to help me and change me just simply ignore me, avoid me and forget about me...
That is so nice if you want to help and everything but no thanks i am fine, i learned how to live like this and deal with everything on my own...
I love being alone rather then being with fake people...
My feelings are just so fucked up...
Well they are actually fading away these days but no one gives a fuck...
I have a lot of mental and physical issues like i said...
My mood can change easily for no reason or for stupid reasons...
I shake and i am lost most of the time...
I am nervous, scared and worried almost all the time...
I am not interested in anything, i easily get bored and tired...
Anyway we lived there for few weeks and then my grandparents (dad's parents) and few neighbours came to ask my mom to go back to him...
They did that only because at that time they kinda liked me, no one of them didn't cared at all for us but yeah she "loved" him so she came back to him...
"Loved" means that she needed a fool to use after everything she has done...
Okay so his parents "liked" me only because i was their only grandson at that time, you know someone who they need turn into someone who they could actually like...
Usual fake family things...
Again if you wonder why, well because at that time i was the only one who they could leave everything that they have...
They aren't rich but there are some things that are worth a lot but only here...
Another funny thing is i won't get anything, except the hate of course...
About one year later my grandfather (mom's dad) died from cancer...
Funny thing is that if my mom die from cancer i can be sure that i will too!
Chances for me to get a cancer are really big because everything is getting fucked up, i mean my health and everything so yeah i might die!
Everything was same for few years my dad hated my mom and me, he did a lot of bad things to us but since my mom's dad died she knew that she can't go there anymore, her mom wouldn't let her so she didn't had where to go but at the same time she believed that he will change...
I mean she was trying to change him or let's say that better she thought about everything and made a smart decision...
Why the hell she would care about me!?
She is more important and she doesn't give a fuck about me so why not she will be on his side...
He hated her less and she started hating me...
She never really wanted me at all so of course she never really liked me...
I had a surgery when i was about 3 years old, i had some problems with my balls...
I got born with one of those too in my belly and now all that i have left of that one is less that 20%
After surgery doctor said that chances for me to have kids are really low, i guess then my dad was happier because i never will have kids...
December, 14th, 2003. i got brother and my mom was right my dad changed when my brother got born, he hated us even more and his parents started to hate us even more too...
My brother is same as dad, he is like younger version on him (sadly i guess)...
My dad loves my brother since he got born and he started to hate my mom and me even more, he thought my mom will leave again with me and leave my brother to him...
My parents, brother and i moved to our own house...
We lived with that parent's before that, i forgot to say that...
We lived there but nothing ever changed...
Well i wanted to be dead at that time and i was telling them that a lot but they never really cared...
Since i started going to school i just got a lot more problems to deal with, i got bullied all the time and i never had any friends...
Well i didn't had any true friends of course just few fake friends...
I mean who has true friends anyway!?
There is a true friend and that is but i haven't find mine...
So they can't be and shouldn't be called friends at all but whatever...
But all friends are fake as fuck anyway...
I mean i always call them fake friends to show that i am talking about evil and mean people...
I know i should call them all just friends, family and strangers because those are actually bad words...
Friends are enemies that you keep close to yourself, you trusted them and listen to them...
Family is made of friends that are related to you and that you have to live with...
I don't have to explain what enemy is but anyway we all can have boyfriend or girlfriend...
I mean we all can find true love, our other half and we shouldn't be fake with them like almost everyone is...
I don't need anyone at all, i love being alone because that way i don't get hurt at all by fake people...
When i was about 12 years old i had 6 surgeries, something were wrong with my kidney and it got complicated...
I almost died, i was in hospital for 6 months and at that time i realized how much am i depressed, suicidal and fucked up...
After few years we moved again and at that time i had my first and only "girlfriend"...
She was just fake friend that was "closer" to me than other people and we did some "things" that usually friends don't do but she wasn't really my girlfriend...
When i say "things" don't get that wrong i am still a virgin and proud of it!
We just kissed and hugged few times and that is literally it...
She lived about 2 minutes away from our house, i dated her only because she said she likes me, i thought it is true...
I mean i had no experience in anything so i thought fights are okay, loyalty is bullshit and that we don't really have to talk about anything or to be together at all...
That is what she and my parents made me believe in...
She was like my owner, master and boss she had her life and i haven't had mine at all...
She was always controlling me and telling me what to do or not to do...
I had to listen to her because i was too nice...
I know that i made mistake and being to nice get me here so yeah it is just dumb to be nice with fake people...
All day and almost all night i had to listen to my parents fight and talk about a lot of stuff so i thought it is better for me if i date this girl just not to be forever alone...
She also made it clear that i am worthless as hell and i should be some kind of slave to her...
I have to accept and agree with the fact that she is way to perfect for me and that she can and should date other guys besides me...
But i was actually wrong it is better to be forever alone then to date or hangout with fake people!
I mean what is true love anyway!?
True love is really rare and very hard to find...
There is no true love for me and my life sucks as fuck!
Before i "dated" her i kinda liked her younger sister that was 6 years younger then me, she did liked me but she told that to her parents so they told me to stay away from her...
Well my "girlfriend" was younger then me 1 year, since we started dating i didn't know who she really is but later i found it out...
She lied me, dated a lot of guys, did "stuff" for money, used and abused me...
She was almost like my "family" and they knew that, that is why they loved her a lot...
They wanted me to date someone who will treat me like them or even worse...
We broke up after some time and after that i again didn't had anyone, i had a lot of online "relationships" but yeah it was always same: girl cheated on me, lied on me, used and abused me...
Of course some of those "relationships" ended because i wasn't good enough, because we were so different, because she can't really understand me or i don't even know i do something wrong as always and they just leave me after some time...
I don't know what to say about this i mean i always meet fake people and i don't even know why do i even bother with all this, why do i even try!?
I am also like Alan Harper if you ever have been watching "Two And A Half Men" after some time with me everyone start to hate me...
Of course that is only in case that they don't hate me already...
If they don't it will just take a little bit more time for them to start hating me but they will do it...
My grandmother died (mom's mom) and soon after that my parents got divorced...
My brother and i had to live with our dad but we got back to grandparents...
My mom lived with her brother some time, she had a lot of boyfriends, she never talked to us, she forgot about us...
She finally was happy, she was free and she enjoyed her life...
I wish she never really had kids that will destroy her life...
She got married after 6 months and divorced 1 year after that...
At this time i was drinking a lot to get away from this sick world...
I started stealing, being a bad guy and i had a lot of fake friends...
Yeah fake people would say that i actually had only few friends but that is for me way too many fake people!
I tried to kill myself for the first time, sadly i failed...
My grandfather died very soon after that...
My grandmother got even more fucked up because of that...
Before 7 months my brother got killed...
Well he was grandson of my grandfathers (dad's dad) sister...
He got killed in Vienna, Austria...
I tried to kill myself again, sadly failed again...
My great grandmother died soon after...
She was my dad's grandmother and mother to his father...
I met my dad's girlfriend and i thought she is going to be my stepmom...
The worst part is that my dad is pretending that he is nice and he makes up pretend too!
I hate to pretend that we are normal family because no one in this house is normal or family at all!
One thing i forgot to say is that my mom got rid of me before few months so yeah i am not her son anymore and she is not even my fake mom anymore...
We don't see each other and we don't talk to each other so yeah it is amazing!
One fake person less, i just love it!
Well it seems like my dad got what he deserved and by that i mean on his girlfriend...
She used him for money and she is now gone...
Another new funny story it was just one regular day and my dad just woke me up...
He told me we have to go somewhere and i like always was no way, not now, leave me alone etc.
He grabbed me and pulled me little bit until i finally got on my legs then he was pushing me all the way outside...
I was like half naked outside and i started crying...
He was just looking at me and said you have one minute to get dressed or i will beat you up and you will go like that...
Anyway that days i was in some kind of agency that finds jobs and that helps you to actually get hired...
Anyhow after all that shit there was done i got a date when to come out there again...
I wasn't lucky i got there she asked me am i looking for a job and i had to say yes because of my dad...
Anyway she sent me somewhere i talked to people there and they said we will call you...
I got home really scared like what if i get really in all that shit, they called me same day and told me to be there tomorrow again..
I was there and again we just talked and they asked questions, i was super shy and quiet tho but again they will call me...
They called about 1 day later and said to come again but here is where shit starts...
I haven't showed up because night before i got drunk with some fake people...
I woke up in the morning like i know i should go but who cares they won't do anything, i will ignore calls and that is it...
Before my dad left he asked me about all that were i there and i lied that i were...
Anyway later that day he calls and asks me are you normal?
They called him and he got so mad...
He said call them and then tell me what happened...
I knew that he told them lies about me and that i am in shit so i just left home for few hours...
I got home and i was less scared i thought it is nothing important he won't do anything...
I went to sleep and when he got home he just there looking at me and when i looked at him back he asked why do you act like a crazy person...
Anyway then he grabbed me for my neck and started choking me, he pulled me up like that and threw me down to ground...
He was yelling at me, he told me that he will kill me, etc.
He even pushed my grandmother in the bathroom and she hurt her hand...
So yeah next day i decided to kill myself with sleeping pills i stole from my grandmother few days earlier...
I got ready my bag and everything, i left it all outside...
I called my mom i mean she used me for help i guess she will at least try to help me...
Nope she just said she doesn't gives a fuck, i should call or talk to her at all, etc.
She told me she was pregnant but she had abortion because she already had too many worthless kids that she never really wanted and that she wishes never even got born...
She is actually on his side now and they are both against me now...
I was so scared, worried and i was crying so hard...
No one understand me and no one ever will i don't even know what to do anymore...
My grandmother was going through my bag and took the sleeping pills...
So yeah i trapped here right now in all this shit...
My life sucks since i got born and it just keep getting worse and worse...
So yeah that's all about my life i guess...
My life sucks and i will try to kill myself again and again until i finally succeed...
There is no more place so here is the link of the third part: http://notes.io/4pvm