Notes

!!!!!!!confidence~!!!!!!!!!!!!! I say i have enough of it but thats only theoretically which means I dont and i need more but its haaaaarrrrddddddd
because fear and bubblies and such is p big when talking about serious confrontations. Stupid meaningless jokes at the end of class dont fuckin matter, because as long as you know how to speak you're fine. were talkin about the big fish here. the questions. the requests. it's all a jumbled mess in my mind, ut i also have it all sorted out already. I don't need a pep talk. I have a decent plan. everything is basically sorted out for what i want, and what has to happen to achieve that. the trouble comes with executing it. and thats not something i can help, let along change. there will ALWAYS be holes in execution. things that can go wrong. things that sometimes do. but that strength lies in forgiving, realizing and fixing. then, giving it another go. and that's what we gotta try and do.
the reason im always so hesitant about requesting an outing is because shes said no a few times before. but, here's the thing about those times: 1) They were all over text, 2) They were all met with the fact that she's busy, and 3) they were too small, too unconfident. nonetheless, it makes sense that id have some doubts here. I was hit with rejection a couple times before. and I really have no reason to trust her answers in those times, but i also have no reason to say she's lying. She is pretty busy a lot of the time. It seems she's always working on something new. Thats why we gotta try something new, something we havent tried before: FACE TO FACE.
yes, that does mean confronting her. and that's scary. we know this. but, that's basically the only con. Some pros about face to face talk is: You can read her expression and feelings, you have the potential to appear A LOT more confident, and you can be sure about rejection, if it happens.
and ive had plans like these before, where i wanted to go up and actually talk to her, but i didn't. you could make the excuse that there wasn't a good opportunity, but in hindsight it's all because of fear, and unconfidence. literally, just do it. just ask her. no doubts, no fears, no stuttering. clear your mind, and ask her. it's actually that easy.

this is now a matter of convincing myself, of course. I will not try to do it, i will not "only" do it if the time is right, i will not back out if it isnt. THE SITUATION DOES NOT MATTER. I WILL GO UP AND TALK TO HER. END OF STORY.