Notes

I wish life was better, i wish my girlfriend cared . or loved me like i love her. today is our one month. and for some reason i feel like she's hiding something from me.. hopefully its nothing big like cheating . i gotta keep my head up but fuck its so heavy. i keep telling me to wish for the best. but how can i ? Everyday we agrue . there not just little agruments either .. it hurts bad. but i love her with all my heart. this is the only way i can express my self. there is no other way. these cuts on my arm doesnt proove anything i guess. maybe god abandoned me . maybe hes just watching me die slowly . he enjoys it. he enjoys watching the blood drip from m arm.. the weird thing is.. it makes me feel human i know its weird . but no one can judge exept my self. i wonder if theres someone else who has the same problems as me . i wish i could meet that person to see how they deal with there problems . maybe theres a more healthy way to deal with my anger? or my depression. im happy sometimes, then i sleep.. i have horriable dreams .. like sometimes about my mom.. sometimes my dad. even sometimes my girlfriend.. i had this dream last night of ally. in my dream she was kissing someone else. i was trapped behind glass. i couldn't do a damn thing. i woke up fuiled with anger.. i took it out on here.. i bet she wonderd what she did wrong.. ugh. the pain i feel. i don't mean to hurt her with the words i say. i don't mean them i swear to god.. theres someone else who controls me sometimes when im angry . call me crazy but its true. like i can't control myself. its fucking crazy. have you ever sliced your wrist to see if your still alive? or if you can still feel pain . other than emotinal pain ? its fucking crazy how much iv'e changed from a heartless lil thug. too an emotinal teenager.. this girl changed me . i swear on everything she makes me happy. and sad at the same time. i know she's hurt too. but i don't understand why she has to take it out on me. all i ever do is try to make her happy. if i fail at that .. i don't know what i would do. like what would life be? what would i do? i ask myself these questions . but i never have an answer for them ? sometimes i swear im crazy. im not sain at all. my family won't even let me around my cousins for the shit i used to do. don't get me wrong i would never hurt my family or anything. i don't see why they would think that. last night was the first time i popped a pill in over four months.. i feel bad. why couldn't god make me perfect. flawless . i remember the first time i cried over ally. it was last month in march. i don't see why i cried we were only dating for a short period .. but i guess it was because i havnt liked anyone like iv'e liked her. since kayla. but shit happens right? ugh. sometimes i can't control my feelings. sometimes i feel like a jerk . an unlovable jerk. hopefully someone out there loves me... my life seems meaningless to some people