Notes

This is really subjective and I wanted to know why I acted like this.
Because of me being like this, My siblings both hating me and it made me sad. Because i ignored them and being mean at them.
It was begun when I was a kid, I was born with personalities of defiance/disrespectful etc so I always talk back to my mother. My mother is ignorant, no worrieswart, sensitive, easily mad and not act loving mother. Not act loving means that I didn’t feel love from her. So when my mother lectured me, I always talk back and it made her really mad so she hit me. Well, she always hit people when that people pissing her off like me or my father. My personalities are bad from the core: talk back, selfish, easily mad, cheating, dont want to lose event to my lil sibling and always defying my parents. So it is not weird if my mother and I always had a fights and hitting keep happened. I was 4 years old when I started to defy my parents and that was the first time she hit on me. Because I was teached by my parents, hitting parents is unforgivable thing in religion. When she is mad because of my disrespectful acts toward her, she hit me again and again. It was hurt, but it didn’t cause any injury. Until at that time when I was 4 years old we had great fights which led her to throw things at me which one of it wes metallic key and it hit my head. Of course it hurts so I touched my head and it was bleeding. That is the biggest trauma I had, I don’t mind that my mother hitting me because indeed i was WRONG until that time. It slipped my mind “why my mother made my head bleeding? isn’t head is the fatal part of your bodies?”. Even though my mother who never apologized then apologized to me. Well after that, my personalities still not changed still a bad daughter, oldest one that is and the same is my mother she keep using methods of hitting to correct me without hearing reasons of why I did wrong or my complains about her. There were many things I want her to realize my feelings of all the treatments she did. Even until now, we still har fights and always led her almost hitting me (i ran away). So I am always dodging interacting with my mother. For 20 years of my treatments to my family made my mother to find faults in me even though i didn’t do anything which always led to a fight and hitting again. So yeah, I feel better when my mother is not around me.
My brother never had any problem with my mother because he was born mother-attached obedient and my sister who have a large age gap to me was treated lovingly and she was probably born with obedience personality. Seeing that probably crossed my mind “she never did that to me” “she never said loved me” “am i really that bad or a child?”. After that, I am distancing myself from family. Ignoring my sibling, Mean to my sibling (by words), etc then it led how my siblings treated me now which makes me extremely sad and I think is a bit too late too realize it now because since I was children, I never try to correct myself. I want to but I didn’t try it in the end.
So my questions
why i was born with that ugly personalities? does the trauma event where my head bleeding affect me this much? why i am still immature until now? why am i didn’t try to change? why i never care about them all?aku