Notes

Dear Babyboy,

I've been crying for hours and I self harmed to punish myself because I can't believe I said so much hateful, damaging shit to you. I love you so much. I miss you so much.

You're not a fake, basic person. I know you're trying to be good to everyone, I was being jealous and unreasonable. Yeah, you have a persona, but so do I, my third fragment Gabriella is who I rely on to get people to like me.

I wish you would've communicated better. Whenever I was upset about feeling alienated and monstrous, when you ignored me it made me feel like you were agreeing. Luciel didn't even have anything to do with my actions today, and she was very disappointed in me.

I talked to Chi, Des, Riya, and even Han about it, and they gave the best advice they could, Des upset me because she thinks I'm being controlling, and I despise that. I don't want to control your life, I just want you to be free and happy.

When I said "I'm tired of feeling like shit because of you", I meant the several friendships you have that may or may not be good, I worry about them constantly, it's not a personal attack, which is what it looked like, and that was really fucking stupid and hurtful of me to say. But it hurts to see you defend people who are hurting you, like Ryan does, and it's not right and I refuse to be nice about or to him.

When I noticed you had left, I was so afraid that I couldn't move. Afterwards, I was seriously going to hurt myself, very badly. But I thought of Aubrey and couldn't do it.

When I said if you think I'm a shitty person, to leave me, I didn't mean to deactivate, and I said that without bitterness. I mean it, if I'm toxic to you, please be free. I just want the best for you, even if I'm an insane bitch who can't get a grip.

It's hard for me to see people I don't know as actual people and not just enemies. Whenever I act like that, please do what you did about Ellis, help me understand they are humans. Humanize them and tell me who they really are. I can't feel anything for someone who I met who barged into our conversation with sexual jokes or whatever.

Tyler commented on the feed wondering what happened to you and I just broke down crying, because it's my fucking fault.

I understand if you hate me now, but I hope I can get this note to you somehow so there can be closure between us. I love you with all of my heart. Truly.

EDIT 1:

I'm so tired, but I'm afraid to sleep. I feel so empty right now, and I'm very worried. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I don't want to wake up tomorrow.

I drew some Kokichi art for you, and one pic of Tenko tolerating her degenerate while he holds her braid.

Me and Logan are talking and her first ex literally messaged her the other day asking for nudes, or to literally fucking hook up because they live in the same town. He's dating someone. I can't believe people are like this. She offered to show some of her art, and he honestly said "that isn't what's on my agenda".