Notes

Hi, Caroline.

Long time no see.

I just think I have to get this off my chest, hopefully for the last time to put my heart to rest.
I will be content, to say the least, if my letter after this does not matter to you. But I will still let you know because it matters to me a lot.
It matters to me this time.

I owe you an apology and umpteenth numbers of thank you. So I'll go with the one I assume sounding less ugly to begin with. Thank youㅡfor being my friend, for your patience, for bearing with me over months, for the butterflies between kisses and made me feel exclusive eventhough it's probably a lie. I regret nothing.

And I'm sorry if any of my actions ever left wounds on your part. There are things I want to keep buried forever but in order to let the bitterness go I need to voice my thoughts out and let it healed over time. Hoping you don't mind. You can stop reading if you do.

Rewinding the tape back to months ago, sometimes I wish I am not so assuming but I can't help but to trust my guts the most. It was my fault at first, obviously. I was the one putting distance from you and it happened so fast after as I noticed you slowly faded away. I noticed it in your gestures, in the lack of volume in your voice and your slowly fading presence. I never knew was it because of my mistake or was it a normal thing to happen when we leave our flowers away for too long. I am never taught about that. All I am taught about is my pricked thorn of assumptions always save me from unnecessary heartbreaks. So I trusted them and took another leaving in silence, hoping my departure will never leave the slightest bit of scar on your part. I was right. I wish I was right.

But I forgot I still have a beating heart to be heard, and it missed you so much and filled with guilt that I came back again, it's so ugly with despair and impatience during its waiting that the last time we talked I can only show you disappointment and anger.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if it angered me to know it didn't affect you as much as it did to me.

I'm sorry if I was upset when I realized you indeed deserved a brighter love story.

I'm sorry if I wasn't ready when you love me and when I already did you've done better on your own.

My biggest fear is if I have turned out to be a trash taking itself out, a toxic you're relieved to get rid of, and I will be one of the regrets you leave behind the closed book.

Is that the truth I need to hear? Are you really happy and unbothered with unsaid goodbyes and have found a better place to rest?

I'd be happy if you are.

All I want is just for you to be happy.

Thank you, Caroline. I hope wherever you are the sky is clear blue and it sometimes makes you think of me.

Happy late birthday, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year in one sentence. I hope all the unfortunates are left behind in 2018 and there will be only happiness holding you close this year.