Notes

I'm so fucking lost. I'm so stuck on my college applications. This shit is so retarded and gay. I know what I want to say, but I just can't seem to find a way to transcribe my thoughts onto my computer in an eloquent and insightful manner. It honestly makes me want to give up. I know I can't give up. I keep telling myself I can't give up. But for the last three nights, for six hours each, I've just been staring, scribbling, and backspacing on my fucking Columbia and Harvard supplemental essays. I haven't even touched my other ones. It's 3 AM on Thursday, December 27 here. The January 1 deadline still feels so far away. I know it's not a lot of time, but it feels like a lot of time. Possibly because I just don't want to do this shit that bad. I want to Facebook my brother, to tell him about this internal conflict, but I know he's just going to tell me to stop being a little bitch and do the fucking work. To be honest, this shit sucks. I don't know why I've been so unmotivated for these past few weeks. Like, I know I want to go to these schools. I want to be accepted into these schools. But I'm not putting in the work, because I've just found myself stuck. I don't feel like I'm making any progress, and it's annoying the fuck out of me. Right now, I'm just constantly tired, constantly stressed because of these essays hanging over my head, it's been so hard to actually enjoy myself when I go out. i just want to let loose. But I know I still have to keep grinding. Even if it's just for a few more days. But this shit is so boring. And so repetitive. And so unproductive. I feel like I'm at an impasse in my educational career. I want to push on. I really do. I want to show people I can thrive under pressure. But these applications, they almost seem like the ultimate challenge. Fuck whatever I've done before and what I've accomplished. I'm pouring in so much of my time and sanity into these essays, only to be compared to other stellar individuals. Look, I know I've got a decent resume. I know I can get in if I really tried. But this shit right here, this shit tests the fuck out of me. My brother won't be readily available to support me quite possibly after today. After that, I'll be like blood in the water. I honestly don't want to bug my brother about this shit because it'll take away from his shit. But I need someone. Right now, I feel like all I got is myself. I can't masterfully craft these essays by myself. But I know I have to be able to. I know, ultimately, that this shit is up to me. I just feel like these essays are costing me my life. Even if it's only two weeks of it.