Notes

Dear, Jackie My Love

Hi Jackie...
So I understand how frustrating I am. I understanding how I can be sometimes. Sometimes I bet you just want to punch me in the face. I would just like to explain some things first. About that terrible night when I said those things. When I told you about my grandmother passing, it happened recently. When we had got together, I already knew my anger was going to be a problem because of what happened with Hana. I knew I did not want the same thing to happen again. I took every opportunity to not mess up this time. I saw a doctor and online therapist about it, later saw a doctor about my head problems. I did not receive my medicine for these things until recently. That night, when you said you planned on leaving, I felt so hurt and destroyed and something snapped inside of me. All I could think of was "you're going to be alone, she's going to leave you. You're going to have no one. Do you want that to happen again? No? Then stop her, do what ever it takes to stop her! She can't leave! Don't let her leave, convince her to stay! Do whatever it takes to get her to stay!" so I did. I said the first things that came to mind, cause I didn't want you to leave me, I did not want to be alone, I didn't want to be miserable again. The suicide thoughts, the constant nights crying myself to sleep, before you I was miserable. Then when I dated you everything change for me, I became happier, I did my best to make other people happy and did my best not mess this up again cause I love you so much. I am sorry for teasing you and making fun of you those times. In all complete honesty I thought we were just joking around and just teasing. Had you told me earlier I would have stopped way earlier. I am not trying to make excuses for what I did and I am not trying to deny any of it, that was the old me. I know what I did and instead of making excuses and instead of denying it and trying to argue like I did with Hana, thanks to her and thanks to all of the things I have done and learning a lot and how to be a better person, instead of making excuses and denying and arguing, I am accepting what I did and admitting what I did was wrong. I hurt you and was mentally not there to realize it. That was not me and you know it was not me that night. And I am saying, for the very very bottom of my barely alive heart, I am so 100%, genuinely, unbelievably sorry. I am beyond sorry. I have been crying non-stop, punishing myself and thinking about my actions constantly. I have not played tekken, have not talked to my friends or family, I have just been working, laying down and thinking about what I have done. You have been the nest part about my meaningless life right now. You inspired me to make friends with the people who can't stand me and told me to kill myself. You inspired me to be a nicer person, you and Hana. I would give my life for you, Jackie, I would do anything for you. You became my boyfriend cause you knew what you saw in me, you saw the good in me. You who I really am and that night was not me. I humbly ask, no beg for a second chance. I will never treat like I did again, I will never make fun of you even if it is just for teasing, I will be kind to everyone, everyone. You are the only one I love, you are my whole world. You are my soul and I would give up Tekken, give up an arm, my home, my money, I would give up anything just for another chance with you. Please jackie, I am begging you, I never felt like this before for anyone in my life. I am begging you to please find it in your heart to give me one last chance. Just once chance to show you I have chance. We can talk and work something out if you want. Please jackie. I need you. I love you with all of being. I love you, jackie. I love you.


-Love, Crystal