Notes

LUIS PAZ
- DRINKING IN BAD COMPANY FOR TO LONG-
what does it all mean?
am i just another failed attempt of poetry and writing?
another drunk that will write about whiskey, gin, vodka drugs and worship Charles Bukouski? some other dumb old drunk fuck.
another heart broken addict piece of shit? what a fucking cliche. id love to fall head first in a concrete jail from a seizure due to alcohol withdrawals; hit the back of my head and die.
i guess the theorie is not to far fetched.

im not mad about it, survivable of the fittest; at least thats how i see it.
the starving artist at its best, we dont die untill we find something worth dying for.
writing is something that has never been my strong suit.
i guess the worst thing about this life is the "not knowing" factor.
the doubt, the self depreciation, the "oh, all you do is cry and do drugs" factor.
i wish i could write something profound and meaningful but, thats not me.
I am the one who will write about whatever comes to mind now; and with that being said. fuck you.
however i chose to live this life I chose to be mischievous and chaotic. careless; i like it that way.
i wake up having to clean up what i wrote on a messy drunken night and on a good night my own bodly fluids.
with that being said welcome to my life.
24; unemployed and worst of all madly in love.
women are my downfall, skinny, fat, tall, short, light, dark, crazy, sane, funny or not.
women, they are every hopeless romantic downfall.
well let me speak for myself, my downfall is beauty so all women are my downfall.
im not sure what life is going to bring to me in the future, however; i think that not only is this going to continiue to be a pattern in my life but i think that its not really such a bad thing.
women are what we all need, if you really stop to think about it
women are the only reason why we all exist, there would be no human being on earth if it weren't for the bite of that apple.
which brings us to the next question
a blessing in disguise or sin in such matter?...
whatever it may be its there and we either have to embrace it or run for the hills about it.


Chapter II

I grew up with 3 beaturil women, they thought me everything i know about being a "man"
all-though i didn't agree with some of their methods and or ideas of what it meant to be a woman.
my sister and i grew up catholic, like, very very catholic.
nothing creepier than being forced in to a religion that forced you to get on your knees every 10 minutes...
no joke intended on that one i guess..
i hated every creepy second of it
bloody ceramic figures being worshiped as if they had actualy done something for us
i never thought i would start writing something about my life because i never thought it was that intresteing but when my mother got arrested at my young age of 19 for murder for hire is when news casts started contacting me, TV shows where all the sudden intrested in who i was, well this small book and story is just for me and for you as well, so every one knows how the system failed us,
My mother was hard working very confused however, she always followed the rules of the land so this is a bit difficult for me to talk about, she was easily influensd by people around her and she was always kind thats the one thing i remebmer very very well, she would always go out of her way to help or hear out others and she did what she could regardless of what difficult life she had going on.
she had gotten married to a puertorican man named Ramon, it was good for a while.
she had introdused my sister and i to many boyfrineds of hers in the past but someinting stood out about Ramon, it almost seemed like she actually loved him and i have no doubt in my mind that she did.
for the first year or so at least.
we would go out and hang out and have a great weekend together, the boardwalk, ice cream, movies, his familys house to dance, cooking; you name it.
he started to grow on me
the summers went by,
i got older
my sister did as well
Ramon started to get more and more demanding as far as his standards went,
i was no longer allowed to wear skinny jeans, i was to cut my hair and i was to call him sir
things got weird around the house
my sister HAD to go away for a summer to Mexico city, Where we are originally from.
and the next summer it was me that had to go away.
Sure, i wask born in Mexico city, however i never really grew up knowing the laws of the land
i moved in to an apppartment with my aunt which at the time wasnt doing so well, she had gone broke and needed somewhere to live so her exit was me.
my uncle paid for my rent and my aunt paid for the other half.
that summer i worked at my uncles restaurant pouring beer for Narcos and drunks
nothing agaisnt drunks, some of my favorite people actually.
and well narcos as well, fine people that love to grab life by the balls.
violent or not
they are real
they are all running from something
so right off the bat you know they are running from something
much like myself.
i worked my ass off for pay that is the equivlient of what you make in a few hours for a few days work
it wasnt fun
i was woken up with gun shots on the street and hours and i repeat HOURS later by the sirens picking up the dead bodies,
just to go to work again after a few hours of sleep.
working at The restaurant wasnt that bad, i made a few good friends and a girlfriend
i dont regret the experience, not easy but glad i had it.
after that summer i came back to the USA
to find out we had a brand new house in a upscale part of the suburbs and a new buisness which was a boxing gym
Ramon use to box ammaturely when he was younger, he had a passion for it
i think it was mainly because he never got to do anything as far as professional boxing goes,
, i came home to new cars, a buissnes, a few new toys such as motorcycles
and a different mom
Lulu (my mom) became different in the way that she was no longer sweet loving
she became a product of Ramons ideal image of a wife
oh yea, they got married.
i forgot to mention
anyway
by that time i was trying to find myself,
not very easy for a teenager in highschool .
i was doing drugs by then
getting kicked out of the house for little to no reason
was homeless at 16 (that was fun)
i was "adopted" by a family close by
all i had to do was clean the house and drive the woman around
the woman was the mother of a friend of mine which allowed me to stay in there home
sweet lady
however a bit out of her mind
i didnt mind
it was a place to lay my head
i would run in to my mother in the gym every now and then
i could see in her eyes that she wanted to take me back in
but pride is a funny thing
my sister would put a back pack full of snacks outside of the house once a week and she would write a note for me telling me to sollow my pride...
haha, only if she knew who really was the proud one
i feel for Karla
she had to see so many things that no 12 year old should ever see or hear
thruth be told, im porud of her, she has become a beautiful and smart human being
she is still a dumbass though
anyway
she would leave food clothes and sweet notes outside of the house for me knowing damn well she could get in a hell lot of trouble
i will always be in debt of my beautiful sister for those kind gestures
to this date i want to belive that that was not my mom doing these things to me
but it was
maybe blinded by love or blinded by abuse (but we will get to that later)
not to far after this family drama... lucky for me; i get arrested with a controlled substance;
pain killers... (no wonder why)
any way
a few friends and i started snorting them outside of the cafeteria of the High School that we went to
next thing you know a cop pulls up
it was the school cop lady in a fucking god damned golf cart
what a fucking joke; and way to go out to Juvenile Detention Center for a few months
anyway we get arrested
and for some reason i was relieved that i didn't have to go home that night, until i was asked to strip naked and cough...
i did 2 months in a cell by myself thinking. "this is fucking whack and jail is not all that"
until one day it was brake time and all the "1 monthers" where playing dominos at the table
this skinny white kid walks in and has this dorky... more like dumbass look on his face.
"messy' was his nickname had gotten a phone call from his girlfriend
so he gets up and takes the call, well this kid that had just walked in fresh
decides to sit on "messys" chair and asked to play.
no body said anything at all we just continiued to sit in silence beccause that is just the rule of thumb when you end up in a shit house like jail
but if you are a dumb fuck from the suburbs you dont know any better i guess
well long story short, "messy" looks over at the table and hangs up the phone and slowly starts to walk towards it; with his left arm and the mighty power of rage anger madness and god knows what the fuck else he swings at the kid knocking him off of the chair and straight in to the ground back of the head first
all of the sudden lights go flashing and you hear on all officer radios cal "code red"
code red means you have to get the fuck on the ground
keep in mind, im 16, not really a criminal, just a misunderstood kid with no friends but a really good one which is opiodes.
i thouyght to myself "i dont belong here"
so i did everything i could to get out
and i managed to do so within the next month
it wasnt that easy
i couldnt go back to school, i had to complete a few more months in JJAEP
basically what JJAEP is
is as if a Jail and a High School had a baby together
in other words "not fun"
completed that and got out
at this point i was using again
more that ever.
my mom sent me to a rehab
those places dont help at all
its weird.
they are supposed to do so right?
well as i type this i have downed at least a pint of whiskey
smoked at least 14 cigarettes and jerked off at least twice
any way fuck off
untill next chapter.