Notes

Hey...sorry to annoy you by writing this. If you have time to read it and wanna do it, please do so.
How do I start...I don't have any issue with you. The person who hurts me is Ms. Perfect. Also known as my elder sister. I'm horrible at wording, I know, but...how do I explain it... To me, she's more than just my big sis. She was my first friend, and for a really long amount of time, my only friend. My best friend, my protector, my mentor, my...guardian angel. And honestly...she was like a mom to me. Or rather, she used to be. Now she's just a filthy liar and a traitor. She's just the sum of everything I hate. Yeah..the old her. I used to think my big sis loved me, but...there's always something. She always has some sort of reason not to want me around.
There's always something. Though...I think you could understand...because you're not like my sister. She's good at EVERYTHING, and EVERYONE adores her. And she always has time for everyone. There are 7,676,691,484 people living on Earth at the second I wrote this. One of them is me. One of them is her. The other 7,676,691,482 are people she has time for.
My father used to say she was born lucky, he says I was lucky to be born. He says she's a fighter, and that I'm a loser. Even though she's the adopted one, he's treated her like the favorite FROM DAY 1. Dad didn't even bother to be there for me ON THE DAY I WAS BORN, no, he was with sis's mom that evening. Yes, THAT woman, the woman who bullied me, who made my life a living hell, the woman who had the gall to claim me as her child and one minute later beat my mom up right in front of a frightened 8 year old me, without dad or sis, who were there, saying A WORD.
My dad is a fucking idiot, an imbecile, a playboy, the sort of man who claims that girls / women are nothing but instruments to pleasure the flesh, not that they're ACTUAL people, like myself and hi....no. I can't count that being among PEOPLE. "If 9 girls reject you, force the 10th one to like you, because 1 in 10 always likes you" - that's the sort of rhetoric that PIG uses. He's had cancer for 12 years now, but not even that could teach him even the slightest bit about HUMANITY.
My own father, for years now, thought I was a monster. He was right of course but it still hurt.
My sister has never had time for me. There was always something, some reason why she couldn't do anything with me. And now, after 19 and a bit years of my life, her and I have not even played ONE single game together. Not even rock paper scissors. You think she'd have time for that? YES SHE DID...but not with me. If I wanted to watch a movie with her, what did she ALWAYS do...? She went to that movie with her friends. The few times she did go with me...were far far too rare.
There isn't an ounce of honesty in the self-righteous way she lives. She's Ms. Selfish....wait..since she has a kid now, does that make her Mrs. Selfish? Whatever. To her, self interest is the one and only thing important. FUCK how other people feel, all that matters is for her to feel good, all that matters is for her to be satisfied. Fuck it if other people DIE, she just wants herself to feel good. THAT is her mindset. ALL THESE YEARS I thought she cared about me, but she never did. It's all clear to me now. It's why she abandoned me SO easily and then spent months without saying a single word to me. All because I wanted to spend time with her. I came to the sea with her, BECAUSE I WANTED TO SPEND TIME WITH HER, MY SISTER, THE GIRL WHO SPENDS HALF HER TIME ON THE PHONE, AND THE OTHER WITH RANDOM PEOPLE - SOMETIMES BOTH! She even had the time to dump her boyfriend (who had been with her for 3 years), meet a French guy (or was it Italian, idk) and let him PUT A BABY IN HER just 2 months later. But did she have time for ONE anime episode with me? No no no no no of course she didn't have the time for that, even though she watched hundreds with her BFF!
Growing up was fucking tough. Because of my parents, I lived with mom and mom alone. I had a brother in America and a sister right here, but to me it was like they had never existed. Would that be a problem...well...mom is actually a really good person, but there is one too big flaw with her. She's a religious zealot. Thinking I have to live out my entire life giving it away to some sort of god who, if he existed, WOULD NOT HAVE ALLOWED ME TO FALL INTO THIS DEPRESSED STATE. Thinking that if I eat meat on Fridays, or if I don't say some stupid prayer when I wake up, or if I don't wear a retarded cross on my neck, or if I kiss a girl before I'm 20 or if I have any sort of social life, if I do all that, I go to hell. Fuck that philosophy. I spent most of my childhood fearing not "God", but fearing mom herself.
For dad I feel no love, and for mom I do feel love, but a love built through fear only. And just as was expected...I grew up with absolutely zero social life. I couldn't talk to anyone. I had nothing to talk about. And I tried. But what did everyone think of me? "Crying Mircea", "Crybaby", some stupid nicknames, "wimp" and so on. I was bullied day and night. I was easily the scapegoat. Everyone could mock me. Everyone could make fun of me, and the teachers NEVER did anything. But if I fought back, it was ME who was threatened to be expelled, NOT them.
I only had like 2-3 friends in all of school, from kindergarten to 12th grade, but those went away too. I liked some girls too, but none ever liked me back. Either because I was super annoying, borderline creep sometimes... or because some others told me "SHE LIKES YOU, GO BE WITH HER" before humiliating me and turning me into more laughing stock....just like the last one in high school. All except 2 guys constantly make fun of me, even some of the girls, then one girl defends me and tells them what they're doing is not okay. I start developing feelings for her, and since I'm shy, I ask one of those 2 guys to help me, and WHAT happens? She ends up with him, he gangs up with the others and continues to humiliate me and make fun of me even further. I couldn't even go a day to high school without those bastards spitting at me or throwing stuff at me.
It's safe to say...all that left me massively unstable. I...fell into some sort of deep depression. Then in 10th grade I met some of the few "friends" i had in kindergarten again. One of them was cutting, and after more humiliation in front of everyone, I started cutting myself too. Then the guy threw a can filled with literal piss on me. Yeah...rather not talk about that one. But like I said, I felt fucking terrible after all that.
And..yeah..I genuinely started considering killing myself. And on the day that guy betrayed me and took away the girl I liked...I fell into despair. And I was going to do it. I was THIS close to just opening the window and jumping out. But a thought went through my mind, to seek help from the one person who still meant some sort of social life to me. My elder sister. She told me it wasn't worth doing over anything in the world, and that she'd always be there for me and support me, that she'd do ANYTHING for me. Those were her words. The one time I felt she genuinely cared about me.
BUT DID SHE? NO, SHE DIDN'T. SHE FUCKING DIDN'T.
Maria always lies. Maria always lies. Maria always lies. It's some sort of mantra for me now.
Like I said, for the longest time, my ENTIRE social life consisted of sis and sis alone. And even so, I spent very little time with her.
I thought she'd keep her word, I legit thought she'd do that. But she didn't. Whenever I went to see a movie with her she always brought her BFF....and spent the entire time like I wasn't even there. I trusted her for so long. Whenever I liked a girl, I told her the very day I started having feelings for that girl. Sis was the one person from who I had no secrets, the one person I felt any sort of trust for, the one person, besides mom, who I felt any sort of LOVE for. Then...last summer we went to the sea with...me...sis and her BFF. On the first day, she ignored me, and later saw me all depressed and came to talk to me about how i needed to enjoy my time there. And she promised to go with me to a psychologist when we returned home. So I tried to do that - and I kept asking sis to do things together. She kept ignoring me, day after day after day. Whenever I talked to her she just replied: "What do you want?" - not even bothering to exchange a pleasant "hello!" with me. And she did those things, but no, not with me. With random people or with her BFF. Didn't want to watch one Naruto episode with me but watched 5 with her instead. And then the devil himself, yup, dad, came. Sis was complaining to him how annoying I was to her. So what did dad do right in front of her? He accused me of loving her incestually. WHAT. A. FUCKING. PIG. I told him what i genuinely felt about him - that he's a pig and that I hate him. A few days later on facebook he makes a post basically calling me a criminal and a barbarian, and everyone likes it. Even sis.

That one moment was when I completely lost it. Oh yeah and moments before that sis accused me that my depression was just something I made up for attention, that I had a "make-believe" illness.
I couldn't take it anymore. So I hopped on the first train and ran away back home, after having an immense mental breakdown. A week later, I went to Italy. Sis didn't answer me on the phone, or anywhere. I still bought her a gift, I think I told you about that before. When I came back, I had to deliver it through her BFF. Not even today did sis tell me what she thought of the gift. Anyway...then came my birthday, on September 9, yay. I thought that was the one day they'd care about me. So I got a message from dad and from sis. But it was a lame, standard, generic message that everyone makes on birthdays. So I called them. No answer. Tried again. No answer. And again...and again...and again...no answer. They didn't even want to talk to me on my GODDAMNED birthday. But...we did see each other 2 days later. Sis just went on a rant about how much she's angry at me and how annoying I am. So yup, my ties with her were completely destroyed from that day on, on 9/11. Maybe she's Bush in disguise...idk..
Then yay uni started...and I met you and all the others. Rather not talk about that since you already know what that time was like. But I will talk about the things I didn't want to let people see - me falling apart more and more and more. My head was trembling, shaking violently like a lot. I started hurting myself more and more, punching, biting, cutting...I was going desperate. I felt like I was losing my own mind. I'm not sure if you ever saw that though. I didn't want people to see, so I tried to hide it. but it happened at home too. For the past 4-5 months, I've had very little sleep. Many many nights were spent with me not even being able to fall asleep, from all the stress I was feeling.
For all these past few months, I tried to hide all my pain behind a mask. The mask of a happy-go-lucky idiot who acts like he's 9 years old and always tries to cheer everyone up with juvenile jokes.
And then one day, right after I had another of those rampages, I found out that sis gave birth. She had a random French boyfriend (or italian, idk) all this time and he got her pregnant.
Like I said, I told sis about every girl I ever liked, starting from the moment when I started having feelings for that girl. Even for you. In contrast, when did she tell me about her mystery boyfriend? After she already gave birth to his child, and it wasn't even her who told me, it was mom.
Sis is a liar. All the trust I ever had in her is completely gone. Who cares about trust anymore.....The one who promised she'd do anything for me, the one who promised I could always talk to her. All her promises were nothing but PETTY LIES. I once trusted her, but I clearly was mistaken to do that. Am I happy for her? Honestly, I don't know. I told you - I'm barely figuring out the feelings I have for you, and I've known you for just a few months now. It's a whole lot different with sis, who I've known my entire life.
Then, two and a half weeks after she gave birth, sis finally messaged me. Almost exactly 3 months since I had last seen her...she apologized to me, and said that she didn't want me to be concerned about her, and that's why she didn't talk to me all that time. Not even a single word. I couldn't believe it. That day, the rampages I had..pretty much went away, because she actually came and apologized to me. Still.....I was angry at her...for my birthday, for...everything really...
Ever since that day, I kept contacting sis wanting to spend some time with her, because I really believe I SHOULD be making up for all the time her and I didn't spend together when we were kids. Yeah...I still believe that. Super childish of me, I know. And she always told me stuff like: "It's too cold I can't go outside the house." (next day dad posts a photo with her at a restaurant), or "i really don't feel good, I have to stay inside" (next day she posts a photo at the ice rink with one of her new brothers), or "I have to study" (next day she posts a photo of herself in Cluj having fun).
I'm...really tired of her excuses. She never had to make those for anyone else....why did...sis...do that? She's made excuses for not spending time with me her entire life. Did...she ever want me around...? Did I ever mean anything to her? Was I really her brother or just a bother?
Oh and for the record...her mom remarried and she now has 7 BROTHERS. Those new ones aren't my brothers, just hers. She's still my only real sibling. Yeah, I have my brother too, but I'll explain immediately. Yay she's got 5 new people, besides me and my brother (who I had only met twice in my entire life and who lives half a world away, and who blocked me on facebook because I asked him to talk to sis for me) who she can spend time with. She replaced me as a brother.

You...remember that manga I gave you? Near the end, there is a quote by Kabuto. "All I ever wanted...was someone...to be there for me...to appreciate me....to acknowledge me...tell me, where is the mistake in that?!?"
Honestly..that's exactly how I feel. It's just a coincidence that I happened to give that exact manga to ya. But really...you could say it's true about me. All I want is to mean something to someone. That's all.
For so long, all I wanted was for sis to love me, to accept me. For so long, I thought that if sis accepted me, I'd be happy. She's back in the country now, sis talks to me. She even thinks I got more sociable. Everything should be perfect now, right? I should be happy now. But I'm not...I'm angrier than ever and I don't know why. Just...who am I angry at....dad? no...sis...you?...no no no no no. I'm angry at.....myself. I...don't really know anymore who and what I am, who and what I'm meant to be. Sis once told dad that all she wanted was for me to feel like I meant something. But that probably was a lie too.
As for you...I don't particularly want anything from you. Yeah, I think you're a really nice and sweet person, and I really really like you, but that's that. I'm not gonna go back to how I was with other crushes I had and creep you out or anything like that. I really wish you and I were together, that's true, but it doesn't hurt me at all that we're not. You can be with whoever you want - be it me or not me, I respect that. So you don't have to worry about hurting me, or breaking my heart. You are not hurting me. The only person doing that, is my elder sister. You are not guilty at all for how I am right now, and I don't want to get you involved in all of this mess. I just wanted to tell you everything because I feel you deserve to know the truth about me.
You said you don't like that I don't have any confidence in myself. I'd...like to explain that. You know all about sis now. She basically raised me into who I am right now. She's pretty cynical...like I said, she doesn't care about people's feelings. I told her every single time I liked a girl. And she always told me not to get my hopes up, to expect to fail, so that I wouldn't be disappointed, or heartbroken or whatever. Was that..her caring for me..? I don't even know...but for so long I've lived my life based on what she taught me. I genuinely do not know what to think about her... Either way, it's okay if you and I don't end up together. I mean, I really want it to happen, but I'm nowhere near that one-dimensional. I don't wanna give up on ya, since I've been giving up my entire life, but I don't wanna turn into someone you dislike, someone who annoys you. Obviously those feelings aren't going away, and I still have that little bit of hope you'll give me a chance, but I don't wanna pressure you into all of that. Still...if you still wanna remain friends after reading all this, I'm really glad.
That..was about everything, really...sorry it took so long
De abia acum mi-am dat seama ca am scris totul in engleza...cred ca am obiceiul sa gandesc in engleza si doar scriam ce gandesc, nu stiu...mda...oricum, asta e tot. Daca ai ajuns pana aici, mersi mult ca ai citit. Si..scuze daca te-am plictisit sau deranjat cu toate astea. Daca vrei, spune-mi ce parere ai despre tot ce ai vazut aici. Nu e nevoie. Oricum...mda...see ya later.