Notes

Dear Gavin,
I guess you could say I relapsed today. I've been clean for a while and then two major events have happened. First, I had a dream about you. And I thought it was good because in the dream I was sort of making fun of you and I didn't really feel anything towards you in it. I thought it was a sign that I could be getting over you completely. But I think it was the opposite. I think it was to show myself that you're not out of my head. And I can choose to block you, and throw away everything that reminds me of you, and delete every text and DM. But the truth, I cant just ignore you and hope this all blows over. No. Its going to take more than that. Because today in gym Logan was telling me and Sophia about her weekend. How good it was. She told me a little bit about it previously, how she went to the yacht club and hung out with some of our friends. She failed to mention at first that you were there. It kind of shocked me to hear the words come out of her mouth. "Oh.. and Gavin was there." I have to play it cool in front of my friends. Saying "he's ugly anyways." or "I don't even care at all." But the truth is I do care. A lot. And I haven't figured out yet how to stop. After dressing out we went into the gym and started to walk around. I asked, "So what's Gavin like..?" Logan laughed while telling me you're fucking hilarious. I should've known. I try to convince myself you're not funny, or outgoing, or totally fun to hang out with but you are. And it kills me to think about you hanging out with my friends making memories and snapchats and getting closer because that should be me. It should be me at the yacht club with you laughing our asses off and doing stupid shit. If I would've been with Logan on Friday, for some reason if it had worked out, I would've seen you. It would've been me there. Maybe we could mention what's happened to us. The friends we used to be basically before everything happened. I can't keep numbing the fact that there's no way you can be back in my life. I literally blocked you for the third time and you never will understand. I cant just keep hiding the fact that I have such strong feelings for you. I cant keep pushing the truth away, hoping if I don't say it out loud it wont be true. But I don't want you out of my life. I cant accept the fact that you're nothing but a fantasy I want to come true. But I have to. I have to move on and just see where life takes me. If it takes me to you, well then congrats for me. But I cant just keep sitting around here wishing for us to magically meet and hang out and have the best night ever. I choose not to. If we're not meant to be anything, good. That's the best thing for me then. But I'm not giving you another chance hoping that this time it will be different. Because it's never different. It's never going to be different with you. And I'm just going to have to accept that.