Notes

I have social anxiety disorder.

And it's the stupidest thing on the face of the earth, but yet... Something that has a power over me that I cannot overcome. Yes, my social Anxiety Disorder was self diagnosed... I was the one who (on my own) came to the conclusion that I was suffering from this stupid asf mental problem. But that does that mean that I'm wrong about having it, nor is it an attempt at seeming hip and cool like most these days do by claiming they have depression. Factly, I'd give anything to rid myself of this... Thing. Anything.

How do I know that I have social anxiety disorder?

Well. Imagine this.

Imagine that there is this female. A female you are madly in... Like... With. A female who you have extremely strong feeling towards. And there is feelings on her side too, meaning she likes you back. And you've known this female for years. Been speaking to this female for years. Surely, you'd think that talking to this person would be effortless right? There is no need to be anxious, no need to be nervous. Right? Surely... surely... You'd be completely at ease around such a person.

But hohoho, if you believe that... Then you are wrong.

It's the exact. What happens when I see this person is the exact opposite of what should be happening. What happens is my brain gets fried. I want to say stuff, but is unable to because my brain and mouth refuses to corporate. I want to touch her in ways I want to, ways I know I should... Or should've... But can't/didn't because it's either my arms and body refuse to move at all, or when it does... It's in awkward jittering motions. Imagine wanting to look someone in the eyes and tell that person how deep, how true, your feelings for them are... But can't! Because eye contacts sends your brain into overdrive and your brain refuses to give your mouth permission to say the words you want to. Imagine being so attracted to someone, but only when that person is at distant, not looking at you or something of the sort... Can you comfortably look at that person and say... "She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen".

That's what having social anxiety is like. It's stupid, and I fucking hate it.

Because of this stupid thing, and how it affects my behavior and relationships... I cannot interact with people I care for, how I would want to interact with them. Because of this stupid thing, I'm only able to have the people I want... Partially. Or I will lose them overall.

And to have social anxiety disorder and to be infatuated by someone is the worst possible thing. The worst. Because to that person... You become this... This... I don't even know. Somewhere in there mind, you become this nuisance. You become this pest, this sad thing, this broken thing. Even when all that is happening is that you feel strongly for someone but there is the barrier preventing you from expressing said feelings how you'd want. You become this needy thing in that persons mind, even when the exact opposite is the truth.

Imagine having friends who know your deepest darkest secrets, people who will not judge you no matter what you say or do... Who you can be completely comfortable around... But you aren't. You're just nervous.

Imagine the opinions of people you don't know, you don't like, or you don't even think matter... Mattering. Absurd, right? Yeah. It's fucking insanity.

Imagine if every, every, every thing in a social encounter sends your mind whirling. The smallest touch, the most unimportant of statements. Just imagine...

I have social anxiety. And it's driving me crazy. And I've been trying to battle it, cause I'm a grown ass man and this is a retarded thing to have to suffer from... I've been fighting it. Throwing myself into situations where I am uncomfortable, that I would not normally submit myself to. But sometimes I feel like this is a thing that will never go away.

Bomborassclaat man. Kmt. Sigh.

I have social anxiety disorder, and it fucking sucks.