Notes

A Letter:

This week had started with me not making All-Region for the first time in 6 years. It started with me crying alone in my car to coming to terms with it, almost. Oddly, I noticed a lot of people asking me if I was okay. Every time I had to lie that I was.

Obviously I did something wrong. Obviously I could have made Region. Obviously I had everything in my power to easily make Region as I always have, and no one can reasonably say otherwise. The truth is that I didn't practice enough. If I practiced enough I know I would have made it. I know I didn't practice as much as I used to. I know that I got overconfident.

The issue is why didn't I practice as much? Did I really only get overconfident? Did I stop caring? Did I spend too much time on the internet? Did I make too many excuses? Did I spend too much time with friends? Did I put too much time into other commitments? I don't know.

This week I tried to be nuclear about how I spent my time. I completely avoided Youtube, avoided Instagram, avoided Facebook, avoided Reddit. I wanted every waking moment to be productive, whether that be getting work done, reading a book, or relaxing in the most efficient way possible.

It kind of worked? I got a more work done than before, but it definitely wasn't a crazy amount. I know that I've had days when I've worked from 5pm to 4am essentially non-stop. I know that I can, but I don't.

One of the problems with this week is that I didn't get as much work done as I wanted to. The other problem was that I was completely miserable during the whole process. And I guess it showed. It wasn't fun. I didn't enjoy myself. I stressed about every little thing that I did not being productive that I ended up spending a fair amount of time being indecisive. And the real fact is that I am a lot happier when I spend time with friends and don't worry about getting work done. Bonus points if I spend time with friends while getting work done. But that's beside the point. The point is that I was not happy.

Maybe I'm still sad from not making Region and it will all go away soon. I don't know. I don't know a lot of things.

So I need something else. I need to figure out what I need to do to not mess up again. I need to figure out what I need to do to be happy again. I need to figure out what changed.

The bottom line is that I'm hot happy with where I am now. I need to change something, and it might take some time to find out what that is.