Notes

from that first moment i laid eyes on you
little did i know that my feelings would be dealt
a harsh dose of reality
something inside my small heart grew
i tried my best to hide these crazy thoughts
believing it to be only the foolish ideas of a few
young kids who didnt know better or think anything of it
lets rewind and take a spin back in time
as i tell you a story..
of a girl i used to call mine
see i met this girl back in high school
first time i laid eyes on her had me thinking
who can this girl be
then as she got closer and as she walked up to me her cousin(my friend) introduced her
and in my head im thinking shes not that bad got a pretty face nice eyes and soft lips
heavens sent you would think
but the moment she opened that mouth
ohhh lawwdd have mercy
something came out of that mouth that can only be described as loud and chaotic
something im not too familiar with i guess
because it was the total opposite of what i was expecting
see now im typically a shy type of person and pretty laid back
so you can imagine my surprise when this opiniated person came onto the scene
she introduced herself as liandra
i gave a normal greeting with the usual hello nice to meet you routine
and after that we continually ran into each other
so eventually we turned from strangers into friends
started hangin every day to the point of always bein around each other
the time turned from days into weeks
eventually that day came where
she wanted to cross that line
and in my mind is wasnt the time
i wasnt ready for that next step to make it official
put a name on it or a label
maybe i was scared or too young to realize but i deifnately knew it wasnt in my mind
so friends we stayed throughout the weeks
until one day it all changed and lines were blurred
our feelings for each other came out and it was a constant struggle of tug of war
one day i wanted her and the next i didnt
but believe me everyday i wanted her but for some reason doing the right thing didnt always seem like the good thing
i never thought it would hit that point but we fell and we fell hard
she basically had my heart at that point special delivery
but as usual events happened to where we would cease to talk
almost as if we never were
but throughout the years we always talked on and off
so as we talked randomly as usual on the phone one day
a conversation full of i miss yous and how you doing
only to be followed by quick hang ups and calls being ignored
i saw her again couple years later and i got this weird ache in my stomach
the feeling of butterlies jus floating around had me on a cloud nine high
the moment she told me her feelings were the same as mine
man you couldnt imagine how i felt
its like i was first in line
imagine buying tickets to your favorite concert
oh that feeling had me on a natural one
see our relationship hasnt always been fairytale perfect
because for some reason weve always been backwards
shes the first person i gave my heart too
and the first person to also break that same one into two
always on my mind and fillin me with different feelings
should i chase or should i let you go
damn fuck that my pride tells me to let go but
my heart still reeling from the wounds still wants another go
see the situations not perfect but it was real well at least to me
i gave her my heart my mind my soul
i gave her all of me
but little did i know what would befall us with time
people grow and change with time and lets jus say things happened
but even throughout all that i still find myself to this day
wondering what i couldve done to prevent all this
i miss my best friend my lover my other half
the part of me that makes me strive for the most and reach for the highest
the one i can share my dreams and failures with and know that its a progress
the main one who showed me love was anything but a dream
i found it..here..with her..in this lifetime not next
it was real and i had it within my grasp
you bring joy to my life
even with the extra baggage of strife
hell why do you think i even went through with it
i made plans to make you my wife
but alas for you it was no longer the right time
my opportunity had slipped through my fingers
and with it i felt i lost you completely
see i know you say alot of things and so do i
we say our lies to keep the other from going through that pain
better to not know then to find out what ppl been saying huh
this journey we took is a long one with the hopes that it dont take us on one
but at the end of the day even though youve moved on and youre long gone
i cant help but to sit and wait for the dust to settle
and wonder when youll eventually turn around and come back
and when you do ill be here waiting as i have been
fighting my pride everyday on whether i shud jus keep goin or keep waiting
i dont know why i only want you when theres plenty of fish in the sea
maybe i have different taste buds but i do know that what i want is what i cant have
and what i cant have is what i want
so no longer the process ill be here waitin till the dust settles
why? because i choose to or maybe because i have nothing else to do
maybe im waiting around because im trying to see if it was real
these last couple years..gone..like that..
can we find our way back?
do you need me to light the way or must i move on and let you find your own path back
must i put my faith in a higher power and believe that you will eventually be there
or am i set for disappoinment and must throw in the towel and admit defeat
my heart cant take anymore
ive gone back to a small heart no feelings locked away
because i dont want to feel the pain of you not coming back
so everyday i make a choice and i choose to sit here
and preoccupy myself with thoughts to keep me busy
so for now that is all i have and can do