Notes

I know this is excessive and a life story might seem like a bit much but I need to just throw this out somewhere because I've got nowhere else to properly express all the shit I've been feeling for the past few years.

I started uni about a 2 weeks ago and I've been hit with feelings that I thought I was finally rid of.

A couple years ago I was dealing with the fallout of confessing my love to a girl that I had known and cared about ever since I was 5 years old. At the time I knew 100% that she didn't like me back but some shit happened when I was trying to deal with the realisation and I ended up cutting her off because I couldn't deal with the pain of talking to her knowing she felt nothing for me. It got to a point where she basically didn't even like me anymore as a friend and I would constantly tell myself that she might still like me even though it was obvious she didn't give a rats ass about me. So yeah, when I flooded her with messages it wasn't to beg her to go out with me, it was me telling her I was sorry for fucking her about and telling her how amazing I thought she was and that I was properly going to move on and let her do the same. I needed some form of closure because it was about 10 years worth of emotional buildup that I needed to get rid of. Sometimes I regret sending her that shit but idk, nothing I can do about it now. Anyway, after that mess I went into a complete depressed state for around 4 months straight. I wasn't doing college work or talking to anyone and I was completely miserable. All I wanted was a proper, meaningful relationship with a girl that I cared about but in my 16 years (at the time) of being alive I'd only ever liked one girl. My college tutor eventually decided I needed to open up about why I was so down all the time and I told him everything about how I was feeling and he told me I needed to talk to a therapist about my social anxiety so I could try and make new friends and feel better. The therapy didn't really help but at the same time I was doing that I joined a small community online in an attempt to deal with this anxiety and through there I met a girl that I ended up going out with long distance. This was huge for me and even though it was long distance I was still happy to have someone. The relationship only lasted 6 months. I don't know what happened but something just switched off. She didn't feel the same anymore, like she didn't seem to like me as much, her sense of humour shifted and she generally just felt different, I couldn't talk to her properly like I could at the beginning of the relationship. That mixed with the long distance ended it. At the time I dealt with it well. The break up was respectful and mutual and I felt like I could move on and get on with my life knowing I had healthy closure and there were no hard feelings. This was around 4 months ago meaning that in a few months I would be starting uni and I felt like I could make new friends and start fresh. Well around 2 weeks ago I started and I quickly realised that nothing has changed. I'm still the extremely sensitive, anxious, lonely kid I was two years ago and I haven't spoken more than a few off hand words to anybody since I started. Every time I've tried to get involved or talk to anyone I've either frozen up or mumbled some stupid shit and fucked the whole interaction up and all the while I'm still obsessing over the idea of finding a girlfriend. Honestly, it's all I care about. The times when I was with my ex were the literal greatest moments of my life. I can't remember the last time anything or anyone has managed to make me feel like that. I miss it so much. The cuddling and kissing. Being able to talk and vent about my shit and have someone actually care. It was amazing, and now I have nothing. I can't imagine anything happening from this point on that'll make things ok and uni's been a huge reminder of how unlikely I am to find someone. The part that made me think so much about this is the fact that there's a girl at my uni that I can't help but notice. She's in one of the related courses so there's a slight overlap between our timetables and I can't stop noticing how beautiful she is. She seems so nice and I want to say something and get to know her but I'll just come off as creepy since there isn't really any point where the two of us are in a situation where it would be easy to casually start a conversation. I'd have to really go out of my way to talk to her and that would be a dead giveaway that I'm looking for something and she'll just think I'm a loner creeping on any attractive girl I see. Worst part is the more I think about it the more I realise that if she was to think that it honestly wouldn't even really be wrong.