Notes

After I broke up with Allie, everyone suddenly wants to comfort me, from college acquaintances to high school people. Caring about how I live, what I feel. Do they really? Honestly, I don’t know. They may or they may just be pretending to feel good about themselves. I only know that it makes me feel like a big, pathetic junk of pity. And even though I appreciate all the “support,” I hate it at the same time. Paradoxical. Have you ever been thankful to people because they do something you hate?

It is already 8:01. After standing for 12 hours, I finally leave the 7-Eleven. Twelve hours a day, seven days a week, I stand behind the cash register, smiling, wishing everyone a good day. Does anyone care about my day, though? Probably not. I don't really mean what I say anyway, so. Worn out. I just want to get home and sleep.

Walking back, I realize it was Friday. Nice. My friend Sam invited himself over to my house to watch the Chelsea-- MU game. We were pretty good friends in high school. He went to Northwestern for college and stayed in Evanston ever since. I remained in DC because I... was used to staying in DC. We occasionally talk (texting counts as talking too), like once or twice a year. He remembers everyone's birthday and always sends a text on New Year's Eve as well. It's only courtesy to respond and exchange a few things when you get a text, right? I haven't met him for 5 years. And he happened to be in DC this weekend. So he set this meeting up. And I'm about to lose some sleep. Nice.

I decided to walk inside a nearby CVS after debating with myself for a moment. I have one loaf of bread and some three bottles of water at home. It would probably be even more boring if we sip water while watching. I actually have no idea what Sam likes. After all, I don’t really hang out with him since high school. Walking up and down the aisle for a good five minutes, I decide to pick up three bags of potato chips and a pack of ginger ale. He will like what I like.

Getting out of the CVS, I suddenly feel like I don’t want to go home. It’s funny. The thought of hanging out with Sam bores me. I don’t hate him by any mean. In fact, I think I really liked him when we were in high school. But, what will I gain from this? Had he contacted me a few months ago, I would be so happy to see him. But now? He probably just feels sorry for me and I resent that.

I walk to the park with all those in mind. The soccer game is at 11, and no one is waiting for me anyway. Sitting on a long bench, stargazing, listening to Peep, thinking about whatever. It feels great. The wind is blowing nicely tonight too. I'm certain the sound of leaves on the ground would be relaxing, but I prefer some artificial sounds.

I make it home barely 20 minutes before 11. My head seems clear. With my favorite song-- Brightside-- on, I head to the shower. Music playing in the background makes me feel comfortable. Focusing on the lyrics keeps me from overthinking.

“I gotta look at the brightside. I guess she wasn't the one, right.”

That’s my favorite line right there. The brightside is that people seem to care about me. Maybe it’s pretense, but well for positivity’s sake. And Allie? Probably she never deserved me. Obviously not.

At 11, Sam arrives.

“Hey Kenny! What’s good, my dude? Haven’t seen you in forever!” the boring greeting goes.

“Yeah, it’s been like five years since high school. Long time, I know.” I reply.

“Haha yeah, long time, long time. We have a lot to catch up on.”

We get inside. Just now I realize my room is ways too messy for anyone to see. Quickly, I gather all the empty cups, bags, and scraps of paper to clear the couch. Sam starts talking as I get the snacks and drinks.

“So how is everything going? I heard you graduated last year from Georgetown? Still looking for jobs?”

“Yeah I graduated last year. Still looking.”

“What are you doing now?”

“Cashier.”

“Uhm nice.”

The conversation goes on for 10 more minutes. It is awkward. Sam does most of the talking-- the talking about himself. He should've asked me more questions. I like to talk too. Anyway, we sit in silence for the other 80 minutes. The game seems boring even though it yields occasional “yeah” from Sam. God, I love this.

I am so happy when it finally ends. As he walks out, Sam says, “You know, I think we should hang out again. It's good to see you, but we really didn't talk much. I will actually be in DC until next Friday if you want to have dinner or something. And you should visit Chicago. It's a nice city and I can show you around.”

“Yeah, sure. Just call me when you wanna do that. Chicago's on my list.”

He leaves. To hell if I believe him. He’s probably on his phone right now, complaining about how he wasted his night with a loser. Know what? Maybe he wasted my time. I could have been asleep for 4 hours now if he hasn’t come. And what did he even come here for?

Allie!

Of course! That's what he wanted and still wants. I remember now. Freshman year, I and Allie started officially going out. It was also when Sam popped up from... somewhere.


Annoyed, I brush my teeth quickly and go to bed.
My phone rings. What a night full of surprise. Allie calls. I decline the call and text her instead. I never liked talking.
“?”
“Hey. How are you?”
“I'm always alright.”
“Nice. I want to ask you a favor.”
“I can do YOU a FAVOR? What can it be?”
“Laura has been acting up. She doesn't like me.”
Laura was our dog. It was only a few months before we broke up when I adopted her. I saw some cracks and thought a new commitment would seal them up. I guessed wrong. And now she is Allie’s. Even though Laura wasn't particularly fond of her, Allie insisted on keeping the dog. Good for me. I don’t like animals. I reply:
"Alright? You want to put her down?"
"No, of course not. You know I would never do that."
"What do I know? I thought I knew that you wouldn't leave me, but booooom you did."
The conversation takes a bad turn now, I think.
"You should know why I left you. Don't start me on that. I am only asking you to take Laura. If you can, please let me know."
Why did she leave me? I'm clueless. We never talked about why she wanted to break up. One day, we just had that conversation where she said she needed "time and space." And that was it.
"I don't know why. Care to fill me in? Did you have an affair or something?"
Her reply comes 30 minutes later. I actually wait for 30 minutes for it to come.
"Because you are inconsiderate. And you are an ass. Have you noticed it? No one sticks with you too long because you are not what you appear to be. You blame everything on other people. You blame everyone for not understanding you when you don't even understand yourself. I will keep Laura. Peace."
I laugh. She's saying that I am the pretentious person? The real pretentious around me, including herself, are they invisible?