Notes

Yesterday was hard, but I got through it. Its weird to think that my life has come to this, it used to be so easy i would be happy to go to school see all my friends learn something new get that extra knowledge into me making me feel smart. But now getting out of bed is the hardest thing to do everyday, depression is like a vacuum it just sucks all the happiness and energy straight out of you. I lunged myself out my bed the only thing and place i love, i rolled over to shut my alarm off, it sounded like a pair tires being slammed on a slippery, icy road. I slowly got up reaching for the nearest clean clothes scattered around my dark wooden floor. All i found was a simple black t-shirt and a pair of grey skinny jeans. I tied my curly blonde hair up into a messy bun and threw on my worn out bright red converse and made my way down the unbalanced stairs. My mum was cooking her usual scrambled eggs with a side of bacon, she turns around, her eyes were green as autumn leaves that hang from the willow tree, her dark brown hair tightly done up into a neat high ponytail my mum had natural beauty something i wish i got from her, i will never understand why my dad left us it was a really tough time for her i didn’t really understand what was happening as i was only four, looking back then life was still better than it is. My mum dragged me out of my day dreaming,
“ day dreaming again, blake? Seems like you spend more time day dreaming than in real life”
"And thats a bad thing?” i replied to her with a bit to much interest,
“ I never said that now did I?”
I laughed and grabbed my bag it was really old it kinda looked like a melted green and one of the straps was ripped but i didn’t really care i didn’t like to waste money i don’t know why, i feel like i owe it to my mum. I gave her a kiss on the check and made my way out of the house and onto the front porch, where little daisies spread around and the freshly cut grass sat. The bus pulled up insisting that i get up and leave the only place where i don’t feel like crap. I got up rolling my eyes and got into the ride to hell.

The school halls were a battle ground, i found myself out numbered day after day. But still, i walk the plain corridors where dreams and hopes are crushed like a bug under a shoe. Everyone just stops and stares and me like a hawk on its prey, eying it up in till they pounce. They think it’s so easy to be me, but in reality its so much more, words hurt more than physical it mentally sticks in your head, spinning around in till theres to much and thats how you become a target. An actually human target, where words are the arrows and they will always leave a mark on you, no one can see it but you can feel it and thats what sucks because no matter how hard you try, you can never get out of the cage which is called depression. See there are times when you really need someone to help you, there are times when you just really need to cry on someone and that even though they know it won’t be okay, they would still tell you, that your going to be fine and that everything is going to be okay. You know the saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” well its wrong you see people need to understand that a pound of plaster your bones get better- but once its been heard, who forgets the word?

My friend once told me, you can’t change a person without destroying who they were. I never understood this in till now my best friend did an overdose and if i ever lost her i don’t know why i would be here today she’s everything to me. Isn’t funny that we don’t want to die because we don’t want to hurt people but we want to die because people hurt us? Having a smile on your face doesn’t mean that your okay or that you happy sometimes it means I’m drowning in my own thoughts and your screaming at me to learn how to swim. It’s to late you’ve destroyed me without even noticing, you were always saying that i wasn’t good enough telling me to just give up, you made me hate myself and i still do so congrats I’m now always wearing jumpers and bangles it actually got to the suicide attempt. And then you pushed me to far that i walked over the edge. when will you realize what your words have done maybe next time you won’t let it get that far you’ll shut your mouth because you know what the consequences are. Your killing me i hope you figure that out. I will never tell you i will always keep it in. Why can’t you see how much you hurt me this time. I’ll never let you see through me, I’m never going to show you how broken i am inside