Notes

Have you ever stayed up past your normal bedtime? Whether it be 9:00 P.M. or 12:00 P.M., did you ever have a good reason to stay up past it? Some days you have more work and it just happens to take you past your bedtime. But this isn’t the reason. This isn’t the good reason, but then what is? You know that in the morning you are going to feel miserable. You know that in the morning you are going to be tired. And you definitely know that shouldn’t have stayed up, but you still do. Why?
You don’t regret those days that you do stay up though. You instead feel great when you wake up. You feel a brightness in your life. Sometimes it gets so repetitive that the only reason you feel like you are waking up is to stay up and talk to that one person. And there will be those days that they can’t stay up because reality catches up. Those nights are the nights when your nightmares aren’t just in your dreams. Those nights are the nights you realize how much you really need them in your life. And then, the complete opposite. You wished you never really met them because it makes you feel so lonely without them.
Today was that day. Today, I realized that I need to snap back into reality a little bit. Today, I realized she won’t be there for me because even though I saw her in my future she didn’t have me in hers. It’s a bit cliché, but most truths are cliché. And this isn’t the first time. This seems to happen too often, but I never learn. It was 2:59 A.M. when the conversation took a turn into the one-way street to heartache.
“Can I ask you something?” Lexa says, very nonchalantly. Nothing that seemed out of the ordinary so “Sure.” I said. Now, why did I have to say that?
“Tell me something that you wouldn’t want to tell me naturally,” Lexa says. She was just trying to get to know me better and to spark a new conversation. To set some things in perspective, I’ve been talking to her for only 49 days up to now, but we called each other every single night. So we have had many conversations and talked about so many things. I really didn’t have much to tell her because I told her all my most embarrassing stories. The only thing I didn’t tell her is how I felt.
“Why would I tell you something that I don’t want to tell you. It just doesn’t make sense.”, I told her. In retrospect, this was probably the worst thing to tell her because it probably just sparked her curiosity even more. “Oh come on . . . please tell me. You can trust me.”, she replies.
There was a lot of back and forth and I said, “But like, it’s probably not, it’s nothing, I don’t know . . . just forget about it”. She said she was starting to get a little scared and concerned. At this point, I had to make a decision. Whether I let her just come up with conclusions in her mind and keep her wondering or just tell her how I feel and get it over with. I’m a little upset now she couldn’t connect the pieces, but it’s hard to tell sometimes. I chose to tell her.
It was now 4:17 A.M and I said, “It might be just because we talk a lot, but either way, I want you to know I wish we were more than just friends Lexa”. After that, there was a long and painful silence. My heart was picking up speed. It got so quiet I could hear my own heartbeat. My stomach started to hurt and my throat started to become very dry. Every time I tried to speak trying to break this silence, I just couldn’t get myself to. It was probably the best and worst moment of my life. It felt like a boulder was taken off my chest, but then it felt like another one was about to drop. Really hard. Really, really hard.
She was at a lost for words for a while but at 5:16 A.M. she finally said, “You are a really great person, but we are great friends and I don’t want to ruin what we have right now”. It was 5:16 and we both were sleep deprived and didn’t know what else to talk about. She said she was going to sleep, but I couldn’t I was just up. Thinking about what she said the whole time.
Now, I just wish I could have gone back and not told her. But that’s just life. It doesn’t matter how hard you get hit. Only your reaction does. I'm trying to stay strong for her because I know she feels miserable for saying no and probably worse than what I am feeling right now. I know that we won’t be the close friends that we use to be and that fact simply breaks my heart.