Notes

I have no drive, no motivation, no confidence. I have no work ethic, bare minimum social skills, I am uncomfortable in my own skin almost all the time now. When I think about my life i feel ashamed, embarrassed and depressed. I am stuck living in a basement and I don't function anymore. I can barely/rarely bring myself to leave the house or talk to people. I have been here for over a year now, and I am no closer to a solution. I don't understand why I am so broken. I have been lucky with so many circumstances in my life yet every day is still a struggle. I sometimes think that I know what I want but I soon lose confidence that I could even do what I want or if I even truly want it at all. All of this gets in the way of me getting out and working out to try and become more comfortable with myself. I tend to have thoughts of just getting in the car and driving somewhere quiet to be by myself. I feel weak and I doubt I have any willpower. How did I get this broken? Have I always been this way? Who's fault is it? Does it even matter? I was hoping writing this down would help, but I am still without answers. My parents question the advice of my therapist and psychiatrist. I feel the clock ticking down. My sister is going to college at the end of summer and I know I can't stay here after she is gone. I am always tired. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to commit suicide. Are my friends only there out of pity? Maybe to make themselves feel better? My days essentially consist of eating sleeping napping videogames netflix. basically 7 days a week for the past year. What the fuck happened to me.