Notes

Jennifer Kramer <[email protected]>
10:20 PM (13 minutes ago)
to me

I’m writing this letter to let you know how your drug use has negatively effected my life. Your drug use took over the sweet funny boy that has been tucked away for many years. It effected me mentally and emotionally. I always saw the potential that you have for the person you will become one day. Mentally it effected me with constant worry, fear and heartbreak , everytime you called you ask yourself is it an accident ? Or is it an overdose ? Or I need money ? Some nights I lived in fear that the sheriff department would come to the doorstep to tell your dead or seriously injured or locked up. Or when your girlfriend would text and tell when me your high and making dumb decisions. Constantly thinking I needed to bail you out of some type of mess you got yourself into. Seeing you mentally widdle away to a half functioning person. Watching the way you act as your high as a kite on god knows what or having anxiety just to get your self anything you can get your hands. When I would talk on the phone to you and your slurring your words and you say oh no I’m fine - when in reality I knew you weren’t - just killed me inside so many nights worrying and worrying - crying my self to sleep because anything I said or did you always did the complete opposite. The drugs took away my kid and caused a huge riff in our relationship. The drug that caused you be such a hateful angry spiteful person, when I knew that sweet funny kid was always in there somewhere. It killed me everyday killed my heart to see the person I love so much become a person I barely even knew anymore . The lying the sneakiness the disrespect of not following the simple rules of the house that were laid out. All we were trying to do was steer you on a path to become a successful adult. Hurt to watch the drug make you give up on life when you have your whole life ahead of you , granted it could be the depression is part of that also. Hurt to watch you disassociate yourself from family , to let the drug take you away from me and not being the big brother role model for younger brother. Mentally knowing that you can’t fix your kid even when you took him to therapists and made appts for doctors, that his love was to self medicate. Knowing that you tried to give him tools for life and you let drugs control your every thought , action everything in life, makes me feel like such a failure , that somehow I failed this kid in life and now he is in this situation. The pain I felt when you would say that you didn’t want to live in anymore - I would have to hold back the tears because I don’t know what my life would be without him, knowing that the possibility of that could happen, I would picture this little boy full of life at 1.5 years in his onesie on standing on a 5 gallon bucket of popcorn seeds holding his little baseball bat with his favorite Barney winter boots. My heart breaks for you, but I’m so proud of you for taking the steps to fight this addiction and getting off that hamster wheel you were constantly on. I love you so much and want you to succeed in life.