Notes

3:38 AM,8-14-18,mindfulness
hey, its me again. its been a long time, hasn't it? i missed you. you know why i'm here. lets write out some motherfuckin' feelings.
Tonight I deleted twitter for the first time since I got to college, maybe even earlier. I cleared out a lot of stuff on my phone, too much clutter. I learned about this new thing recently called "mindfulness". The Trauma Study I took had a therapist-in-training that told me about it. I really like the idea of it. Instead of dwelling in the past or being anxious about the future(main reasons for depression and anxiety, in that order), mindfulness is the idea that you should be living in the moment instead. Its all about taking in the things around you when they're happening without passing judgement(taking them for what they are). I really like this idea. I like to dwell in the past a lot. This honestly causes me a lot of grief and pain and I want things to be different but obviously can't change that. yet. jkjk. (keep that sense of humor dude, its cheesiness like that that makes you who you are). I want to learn to truly accept my past, all of it. Not just the stuff about the girls, but the mistakes i've made, choices I didn't make, and people i've pushed away and everything about MYSELF that i've never chosen to accept. How i'm fat. How i'm nerdy. How i'm brown and sometimes people that I want to like me don't. Thats a whole other issue I need to work out tho. These are all a part of me that shaped me into who I am, just like how the weenie heads, jacob, ricardo, and even bree, all shaped the person that I am today. If I can accept all of it, truly everything, then I think I can get a lot closer to not having these depressive lazy episodes I keep having and have a much more positive mental state going into the rest of life. this ain't it man, I know its not. getting high every day and lousing away the hours made this summer completely useless and I don't like that. I'm not happy with where I am currently but I want to change that.

Ya know, this was originally supposed to be an update on how i'm feeling about bree and the girls but I feel like what I need now is much bigger than that. I loved those girls a LOT and I still do think about them. Truthfully, I still do regret my decisions so I know I haven't moved on. But I am capable of moving on. And I can't let myself be stuck in this spot of regret for the rest of my life. I want to move on. And thats the truth.