Notes

here we go. i'll start off before i was even born.
my mother was married to a man named Scott. that's all i really know about him. she worked in a hospital and a psychic told her to get away from him while she could and that only bad things were coming her way, but she refused to listen to her. the psychic passed away three days after that. my mom should have listened and believed her. she had a miscarriage months later, and after that, she got pregnant with me, which should have been impossible. she was told by doctors she would never be able to have children, so it makes no sense that it happened. even so, when she found out she was pregnant the first time, doctors said the child would die, and sure enough, they did. so i don't understand why i'm even here.
when she announced that to my biological father, he stole all of the money from her account and left her to fend for herself. why was i the trigger? why was i the one who finally made him up and leave?? i'll never know i guess. a while later, she got together with my stepfather, who promised to not leave her even though he assumed the promised baby, me, would die during birth. but that didn't happened. i was as small as i could possibly be to be considered healthy and they had to jab my foot with a needle to make me cry, but other than that, i was fine. i was normal. they said i would die in a month though. but i didn't. i don't know why, but i can't help but wish i died right then and there. i mean, why me? why was i the miracle that managed to overcome death in the face?? why not some other kid destined for great things? i'm a nobody. a worthless woman destined to live a worthless life.
years passed, and everything seemed perfect. i had a step brother who was always there, my mom and "dad" got along perfectly fine, and i was taking dance classes i actually enjoyed. i enjoyed every moment of life. even though i was abnormally tiny, got sick easy, and had a few issues with my heart, but i was still happy. by the time first grade rolled around though, that's when things got rough. i was transferred to a private school called Ellison because of my academic achievements. i'd be stuck with 11 other kids until 12th grade, but that wasn't a big deal. my mom told me to do it, so i would. i didn't think i'd be such a target though. mainly two boys constantly ganged up on me. i didn't have many friends, so i didn't think that i'd be too big of a deal. no one would worry, cause i was just always happy. lonely as ever, but happy. or so i though. it made me sad. sure, but words didn't hurt. it started taking a toll on me when they physically fucked with me. trapping me in soccer nets, flipping me over their shoulders and knocking me out, chasing me, and slamming me into trees. i always said i was fine. this kept going until the end of second grade, a new bruise or cut gaining no questions. the only one who really cared was my "dad" but i brushed it off as clumsiness. they bought all of my lies. eventually the last straw was when they brought knives into the school to break off a stick and sharpen it both ways. they pierced my one elbow and ripped it up. i have a hot scar there now. i finally spoke up, considering i went into a suicidal frenzy once i was finally caught. in the summer i was able to get in touch with a therapist for only an hour. i was diagnosed with adhd, and hearing that didn't exactly help with me being the depressed mess i was. after weeks of just keeping up with dance classes though, i was fine. the studio i was at was great. now, though, i was going to head into a public school again. Olivet.
third grade was mainly spent practicing dance routines and trying to find friends. i didn't find any that year except two guys named Cade and Carter. i didn't talk to them every single day, but they made the effort to talk once a week at best. school didn't bug me much though, what started to get real was my home life. my step brother moved to college, leaving me alone with my mom and "dad". it was tough not having a playmate anymore, but i could handle it. the one thing that started to get weird was my mother. she started swearing at me constantly, using vile words that pierced me right in the soul. i couldn't fight back though. she was my mother. a child fighting their mother is never okay, so i just followed her rules. "listen and do". at that point, my safest place was my dance studio. the teachers liked me, the kids enjoyed my presence, and i was a competition beast apparently. by 4th that place was ruined though. the dance teacher flipped on me out of nowhere. she went from praising me to sitting me out nearly every single class for nothing. but no, i had to keep going through it until the year was over. at least i was making my way into the cool kid crowd. i had friends! they were petty as fuck, but friends nonetheless. after that year, i managed to slip into a new dance studio and yet another year.
5th was when my home life progressively got worse. my mom went from shouting a few swears here and there to demanding me to do one thing after another after another, you get it. she hit me every now and then too, but it was whatever. i was growing numb to pain. i was more mature than most other kids so they started to steer clear outside of school, but that was that though. everything was fine. i broke the summer before 6th though. that's when i found out about my mom, "dad," and dad, and about how i was supposed to die. it hurt to hear, but the lies were becoming so frequent that i just stuck through it. whenever i was in my room though. i could hear my mom and "dad" fight constantly, screaming at each other for reasons i still don't know. my mom ended up moving out of there with me, breaking it off from him once and for all. i was still in new jersey though, still stuck with small minded bitches. i think that's when the social anxiety in me was born. i don't know, really, it's just a guess. i managed to stick it out though. 7th is what really counted anyways.
in 7th, that's the year when i just threw everything away and gave in to my desires to be free. i started to fight against my mom, getting battered around because of it, but it was worth it for the taste of freedom that flooded my entire being. at some point though, i knew i had to go to the city to discover more of my own truths though. i found a job that was a complete copy of my mom's current one online, so we made a deal. if she got the job, we could move, but if not, then we'd stay. i continued to lie and defy though to the point where my mom dragged me by my ankles across bare wood. i had splinters and cuts in my back for two months, but i just kept moving forward, lying more and more not only to others around me, but to myself and my own happiness. i was still the lone, yet somehow cool, wolf in the school, but i didn't care.
on april 1st of that year, someone completely random accidentally added me on snapchat. his name's drew. we talked despite being states away from eachother, and sure enough, he told me to download discord. i did, creating my account on april 30th. he introduced me to his friends, and i cried over that for the first time in ages. they all cared about me. they all liked me. and sure enough, my mood skyrocketed. i was genuinely happy that year. especially when i heard we were moving to new york.
when we moved in the summer though, for good, the only people who actually talked to me were the five people i had friended on discord. it was fine though. i was content with that. the summer passed by in a lazy haze, and sometime by then, i joined public servers in hopes of making friends, including crackner's server. i felt horribly alone, but i was fine. it was just so weird not having anyone but people in a chatroom to talk to. 8th grade finally rolled around though, and i met a good group of people irl that loved me. or, should i say, my lie. by that point i was nothing more than a facade. my mother yelled more and more at me everyday, hitting me whenever she got the chance. we lived in a studio apartment, so it was pretty hard to avoid her though. that's how i started roleplaying though. i was in the bathroom, crying as much as i possibly could, when i just decided to go for it. i used aislynn, my first ever character, and met teal, fin, yuno, and everyone else. that server starting changed my life really. i got to meet you and those guys who were my best friends for a good chunk of time. you stayed though. i don't know why, but i wasn't complaining. i spent most of my time alone in real life, but online, everyone just stuck to my mind, like honey.
until it turned to shit, that is. i got myself a boyfriend on december 29th irl, but he ended up cheating on me with some other girl. that wasn't important compared to you getting into a coma though. when i saw the news, i felt my heart stop beating. i went to the bathroom, the same one i had joined the server in, and cried as hard as i could. my mind was clouded by horrible thoughts, screaming at me that you weren't okay. that you were dead. it took a toll on me, but in school, i kept lying. saying i was fine and falling for it. my boyfriend at the time didn't even notice. i tried to connect with people around me, but they neglected me, telling me that they had to go home immediately when an hour later they're all together at a starbucks. it hurt so bad. all of that on top of my mother just made me break. one afternoon, i tried to drown myself. i don't know what made me lift my head though. i cut my wrists, enough to hurt me but not enough to inflict scarring. that way no one would have to be worried. to this point, it's only gotten worse, this week being one filled to the brim with loneliness and not being good enough for anyone out there. every day since i put my face in the water, i questioned everything, mainly asking why i couldn't just die already. why i couldn't be enough. why no one would love me in any sort of way.
i cried tears of joy when you came back though. it sucked that everything else fell apart with the old server ghosty ran, but i had you to be with me through it all again. so i couldn't be more grateful.
this has gotten so long. i have more to share, but i think that's enough for now. sorry to bother you with so much shit. just please don't leave me.

love, grace aislynn nelson.