Notes

So this is my thoughts right now. It's August 24th, 2022 and to be honest this has been the craziest last week of my life and I don't even know what to feel or think anymore. I'm in love with someone I never would've imagined, and guess who it is. My best friend... He's a guy and so am I. I'm not even gay I don't like guys I just like him. He's more in tune to his feminine side since he was mostly raised by his mom since his dad works a lot. I'm a Christian and as it says in the Bible, God created man and women for a reason so that they can connect and populate the Earth. So I know my feelings aren't right in the eyes of God, but I've never been so conflicted with my feelings ever. I mean I kissed back and now look at the mess I'm in now. I don't want to lose Hunter, he's literally the best friend I've ever had and he actually shows he cares about me and makes me feel loved and like at peace. He literally makes me so happy and I know no one is perfect, but wow he is just the best. Everything about him is just amazing. To be honest I want to be with him really badly, but I know how I was raised and I know what I believe. I've never had the strongest relationship with God so I'm surprised how conflicted that I am. Maybe that's a good thing I just don't know if I'll ever be able to move on from Hunter if that's what I have to do because I don't want him out of my life he's quite literally my favorite person in the world even before I felt this way about him. I literally feel my mood change when I leave him. I just don't see us working out, there's so much against us and he told me I'm worth going to hell for. If I'm being honest I don't think I could say the same. Hell is a place no one would ever want to go, I know that I've never experienced it and no one that's alive has either because it's only after we die. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my entire life. I get butterflies when I think of him and when he makes eye contact with me and smiles. I was already scared about the future before this whole thing happened. I go off to college next year and to say I'm terrified is an understatement. I feel like I'm going to be a failure in life in almost every way possible. I'm crying now and I haven't cried like I have in this last week in years maybe even ever. I kinda wish this past weekend never happened. I loved it so much but now I can't stop thinking about him. What has happened to my life. I have felt so many emotions in this last week that have made me feel so good but also so bad. Happiness, sadness, guilt, love which I never knew what it felt like till now. Who would've thought my first love would hurt so good. I can't even tell anyone because it's wrong. I'd get shamed and called names probably and it'd cause drama at school and none of my other friends would ever look at me the same again. If I could I'd run away with Hunter in a heartbeat. My heart is aching so much. My mind is spiraling and my stomach is in knots. I have no idea how I'm going to get through this and continue living. I promised Hunter I wouldn't kill myself. I have a knot in my throat. I can't even act how I want to around him at school. I'm losing my mind and I also don't even feel God. I feel so lonely and broken and sad and I just don't know what to do. This last week has changed my life forever and I don't know how to feel. I'm truly so broken and I have a job interview tomorrow and I'm not ready for a job, but my parents said that I have to have one by September or there talking everything away from me. I have to prepare for the future because life doesn't stop so I have to continue while dealing with this. I don't know how this story will end because I can't lose him even if we have to stay friends. He's my only true friend right now without him I'd be truly lost and lonely. I'd probably kill myself to be honest. I kinda want someone to read these thoughts, but I don't have anyone but him I'd trust to show this. If you showed younger me what I am now and what I'm dealing with he would've regretted saying he wanted to grow up. I'd go back to being a kid in an instant. I miss the freedom and the true happiness that didn't change so often. I experience happiness at my age now, but it's not the same as when I was a kid. I feel like I used to see the world with different eyes. I used to love school and I had so many friends and I had a great relationship with both my parents. Now, today I don't even know anymore. The fact in less than a year I'll be a legal adult literally makes me wanna sit in a corner and cry. I'm not ready or mature enough. I couldn't live on my own or survive. Going to college and leaving my only true friend and lover behind makes me wanna hug him right now and never leave his arms. This dual credit class is just making me feel so stupid. I shouldn't have taken it. It's the first week and I already could quit. Without Hunter in my life I probably would be dead right now. I may be sad right now, but I have him. He always makes me smile and just being around him changes my mood. I literally thought about him till I fell asleep last night, dreamt about him, woke up in the middle of the night and instantly started thinking about him again. Zach Hood is a really good artist. Hunter actually introduced me to him and I haven't stopped listening to him since. With how I feel right now I relate to every single one of his songs as if he was speaking directly to me. I've never had someone that loves me before. Hunter literally said that if we don't end up together he doesn't think he could ever love someone else and if I'm being completely honest that is exactly how I feel right now. Especially since we've both said that no matter how this ends up we'll stay in each others lives meaning I'll always have him in my life. I just wanna hold and kiss him forever and look into those eyes. I've never had someone that makes me so truly happy.