Notes

Well since we aren't really a thing anymore, I have nothing to lose and if you do end up hating me it won't hurt as much since we already broke up. So I've decided to be open with you and tell you a bit about myself. So here it goes. before I went to Lebanon I was pretty good. My brother showed me dead people on the Internet but it wasn't bad. Then when I went to Lebanon I was bullied and beat up constantly. Literally humiliated. My parents cared a little I guess but i learned to get through it so it's fine. Anyways. About 2 years into living in Lebanon, things were better and I was happier. I began waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of my parents having sex. I'd just cry quietly in my bed. This went on for a while(lol that's why I have younger siblings.) Anyways I got over that but I obviously wasn't the same when I came back to Canada. My confidence was gone and I didn't really feel much. Anyways so initially what made me super depressed back in grade 8 was finding a letter my mom had written and she wanted to die. She absolutely hated my father for whatever the reason and she really only loved my younger sister. She said that she was going to kill herself soon(spoiler alert she never did it) in the letter and that the letter was for my sister and that my grandmother would give it to her when she turned 18. It would basically say that she loves her so much and always did and that even though she's going through so much at the moment, my sister was worth it all. Anyways after reading that along with things from the past I was done and slowly spiraled down. I would cry every night and skip school almost every day. I felt responsible and just seeing that the person I loved most wanted to die and doesn't really care about me was enough. I began developing my fear of dying in fear of not being there for my younger siblings if my mom were to die. And so I played with them and forced myself to smile around them. But by the end of grade I decided to just fuck it and I stopped giving a shit. Not sure why but something just ticked and I wasn't sad anymore but I wasn't happy, I just didn't care. That's when I started to grow physically and change through puberty and working out. I guess the puberty and sadness ended up maturing me but it did more than that. I was emotionless. Sooner or later in grade 9 I began interacting with girls. I never dated any or kissed any, I'd just lie to them. I'd promise them love and care only to manipulate them to eventually send me nude photos of themselves that I would later on save and compile. I felt no remorse or guilt and I did it over and over again. Slowly I was just lying none stop. Girl after girl, all of them believed I was sweet and charming and loved them but I didn't really care at all. I even hated a lot of them but it was so easy to just tell them how beautiful they were and that they're everything to me(of course these were lies). I just used them and then slowly stopped talking to them after I've gotten what I wanted or when they'd want more from me and would try to get closer. I'd string them on for months or even years just to accomplish what I wanted. I felt a little less worthless from the pictures I guess. And they did their job. My friends praised me for it and literally started calling me "nudes god" which is another reason I didn't want you seeing any of them( I didn't want you to find out anything from them and they weren't really nice so sorry.) Anyways I kept this up until this summer( when I met the girl from Ireland and basically for once in my life genuinely loved someone. I felt that that's what I really wanted and so I was finally happy. But now she ignores me for weeks and makes up some bullshit excuse even though she clearly never thought of me before falling asleep like I did, ignoring me completely after flat out reading it.) Anywho after falling for her, i vowed to delete every picture I had when I turned 18 and until then I wouldn't ever do what I had done again.Well then I met you. Whether it be by fate or who knows, I did and I'm glad I did. I still remember seeing you take a seat in front of me at that coffee place in indigo. My heart literally skipped a beat and just wow. Okay lol anyways (I've said anyways like 8 times dude my apologies) remember that one day where I asked you if I should delete nudes from a girl I had? You said yes. That night I deleted them all. All 500 and some pictures and videos from guys(yeah turns out gay guys are kinda similar to girls and way easier. Also straight guys and fake pictures but yeh anyways) and girls I manipulated. And for that I thank you. Now I was going to do it soon anyways but well hey you made it quicker. Not to mention that you confirmed something for me. You confirmed that there are good people in the world and people can change. You really are my beautiful inspiration, I meant what i said that night. You were everything I wanted to be and everything I wanted. So seriously thank you. You made me believe that even though I really was a demon I didnt need to stay as one and I changed. What I did in the past was nothing but me trying to find a reason to live, a reason other than me being there for my siblings. It was my life, not theirs. You helped me more than you might think, a lot more. You've made me feel happiness and joy and now sadness. I haven't felt that in a while but I do now. Also anger. I'm angry at the woman who brought me into this world for doing this to me. For turning me into a demon and now taking my only solace away by being ignorant. It sucks because no matter how many lunchless days I'd go through to save money for your gift, skipped workouts to be with you, late night studies just to spend a little time talking with you, and hours of practice to finally play you a song that you'd like it wouldn't matter because the same fate that brought us together also decided to break us apart. And so you also confirmed something else for me. Sometimes no matter how much you sacrifice and how hard you work, somethings just aren't possible due to being born in certain circumstances. I don't want you to look at this as me complaining though. It only takes a few clicks to get to a video on YouTube where you can see kids just like I once was having their lives or innocence taken away far worse than me and so I am thankful don't worry. I just hope you can understand that even if I lied to my mom a thousand times over for you, it won't be anywhere near as much as I had already done in the past. Not to mention that after everything she's done to my life, I really do not care. You made me quite a bit more emotional so I guess that's why I began feeling a little sad over it. Well anyways apparently through fucking magic or some shit these emotions made me feel love I guess eventually. I fell for you. I don't even know if I'll ever show you this. I'm just sitting here. 5 am and I cant sleep( don't worry it isn't your fault, my A (sutism)DHD medication makes it hard for me to sleep ). My finger still hurts from the cut and whenever I play the piano it stings. It's a reminder and I'll think of you whenever I do something until it heals. I'm happy I met you. Oh and thanks for the raid spray faggot. BTW don't get sad if I do end up sending this, you can get angry and hate me or whatever but don't get sad. There isn't anything to be sad about, I'm still going to be talking to you and I only sent this because you deserve to know how I'm not actually a good person. Still working towards it but yeah please don't get sad.