Notes

i move out in two days, on 12/29 to my new spot. its my first time being out in the world by myself entirely supporting myself. im feeling a lot of different things. this is the most fulfilled i think ive ever been from life, just from all types of emotions. i feel sadness for the distance i know comes between my parents and I. I feel joy at the thought that I can grow to become independent. I think about the work I could put in to grow my self and my confidence even more. I wonder about everything I can learn and do, and the things ill have to do even though i may not love it. Maybe I can even learn to always have love for those things too, who knows. I haven't written anything in a while now, and it looks like i was 9 months out from my last breakup during my last writing. I missed my ex for a lot longer after that. Its been two years now. I was in love with her back then, but I learned that I wasn't treated with love, and I cried a lot more after, but I changed. I changed and grew, I grew and made new friends, and I learned to be more than the person I was then. I want to keep developing parts of myself that I always wished I could. I can finally use all my time and space to grow whatever I choose to. I want to learn to love cooking!! I want to hook up in my own space, and walk around naked if I want to, when I want to. I want to learn how hard it is to keep my fridge full, body healthy, and mind always moving. I want to become a pillar of learning at all of these things, and the thought of my own growth excites me to my core.

I still hurt sometimes and I do still get lonely. Its been nice making girl friends again, and its been comforting to know I really am capable of being better. I don't wanna overdo it with their time either, because I feel like I've been down that road before and it took away from the individuality I want to keep working on. Its a barrier, but I don't think that'll stop me from wanting to connect more with them. I'll see either way! I hope I do get some bitches out there, its been pretty lame knowing i havent had any consistent sex in sooooo long. maybe one day.
Work is gonna be challenging soon, and mixing that responsibility with my apartment is nervewracking, but I know I can do it all. I just have to think through how. I live for a lot of things, and I realize that I want to make my own sake more important. do i want to give more to the world, or be one that consumes? can this choice be right and wrong? can i decide that? who knows. all I know is that I can find the answers I need if I keep looking.